Wednesday, December 15, 2010

HOLY CRAP

So, I just posted about mice-and an add pops up for "controlling mice".

Let me try something.....party dress party dress fashion party dress fashion sequins shoes jacket jeans party....

I will report back.

How about

I make it a goal to come back and set some goals.  Little steps.

On a happy note-the cats finally dispatched a mouse.  This is not happy for the mouse, but it's been cold for several weeks, mice come in every year-and I was beginning to worry.  I'm not sure how one goes about setting traps with cats loose in the house.  Out of three young cats I hoped one of them would figure out the drill-and finally one did.

To be honest, I hadn't actually seen any evidence of mice-so I may have judged the mighty hunters harshly, but at any rate I'm glad they figured it out.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Still swimming

I seem to want to post, I write, then erase.  So I will just wave and say I'm still here.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Lessons from Pac Man

Sometimes life gets so complicated and hectic that even giving a backstory is just too impossible and draining.  At least for me-I know there are people enjoy sharing and that's ok too.  But right now I feel like discussing Pac Man.  

Did you ever play Pac Man?  You may recall that the little guy would eat power balls or power pills or something powerful and the monsters  would freeze and he would run as fast as he could to make headway while the monsters were frozen.  I seem to be frantically looking for power pills and finding none.  If you played Pac Man you may recall that if you looked too hard for the power pills you often overlooked a monster and would be eaten.  Wooooooooooooo woooooo (sound of game over).    

I honestly don't know what lessons I learned in Pac Man that are resurfacing today-but I will enjoy thinking "wocka wocka wocka" as I go through my obstacles de jour.  Maybe that's the lesson-not everything is a "sign"...sometimes it's just another white dot on your way to finding a power dot.

Or maybe it's just fun to think "wocka wocka wocka" instead of "I can't do this any more".    

Monday, November 1, 2010

John Steinbeck-you old trickster

After discussing my plans to recreate your route in "Travels with Charley" I find you didn't actually camp all that much.  So-NOW I get to tell my father that my crazy dream I shared with him is just that-a crazy dream.

I was pissed, John, really pissed.  But hey-the book was good enough to get me and several other people in various stages of wanting or doing the same. So good on you.

Still-I won't be doing the epic journey now-at least not that way.  I travel with my dog and sleep in hotels now-so making plans to do what I already do just doesn't seem, well, epic enough.

It was a good dream though-and I'm glad I had it.  I've had that on the bucket list since I was 14 and read the book in Jr. High.  And I'm not mad-although I was for a minute.

The book did what you needed it to do-sell and entertain people.  It gave me a long lasting dream-and then the realization that I need to dream my own dreams-not follow somebody else's.  The dream is about finding adventure in familiar places-not about a road map and a camper.

It's ok John-I'm not mad at you.  Let's both keep dreaming.

(It's ok to anyone who is reading this-I know John Steinbeck is dead-but I talk to dead people sometimes).

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Home Again

Actually I came home on Thursday night and left Saturday morning to take my folks on a tour of the fall foliage and to meet my brother in Arkansas.  My brother doesn't live in Arkansas, he's working there for now-and we met in Ft. Smith.

In the past week I have raced dogs, moved couches, backed up giant moving vans down curving driveways, took a shit in the woods, eaten world renowned burgers, talked about dreams and life with my parents and watched a lot of spooky old movies.  It's been a good week.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Geeking out

I am in a seedy motel charging batteries on cameras, setting up iPad and drinking coffee. I have three dogs with me. Tonight we go to Austin to help a friend move, the past weekend was a flyable tourney,

I am liven the dream....my dream.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Random things

I have been on turtle rescue, dog search and find, business junkets, vet visits, legal missions-all since waking up Tuesday morning after driving home most of the night Monday.  It's been one strange week.

Ok-it's not THAT strange-except that range of life experiences has been unusually broad, even for me.  I actually delayed legal research to go drop off the turtle in a safe location.  The legal crap got handled AND the turtle got saved.  For me-BOTH were equally important.

I think that illustrates something about me that many people just don't get, and it's nothing I can explain.  They were both equally important-that's the best explanation I can give.  I can go as far as to recognize other people would have different priorities-I just can't always buy into those alternate priority lists.

I got to revisit a bit of how corporate America thinks and runs this week-and I still don't care much for it.  I got to contemplate what is legal vs. what is moral-and how the two are often not the same thing.

Sometimes people are like turtles-basking in the road, oblivious to the dangers all around.  I think both deserve to be saved.  That's how I roll.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Home Again

Texas trip was awesome.  Good friends, good food, a wedding and no funerals.  Lots of road time.  Naps on the road in truckstops-side trips-all the stuff I love and more!

Came home to a few wrinkles that developed while I was away-but hit them hard and worked it out.  My life is so strange-in one day I saved a turtle from himself (basking in the sun) and saved my father from himself (didn't set up a business structure quite right).  It's all good now-and it's all important stuff-businesses, turtles, dads.

I'm still wiped out-but in a good way.  Face hurts from laughing-big deep belly laughs.  Some tears and real hugs too.

Oh, and we had an earthquake this morning but I didn't feel it-guess I didn't have enough coffee in me .  Go figure.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Just checking in

I've had some wins, some losses and so it goes.  I'd like to think I am holding my own and making a little progress-but at times I can't be sure.  Eh-that's life, isn't it?

I'm very much in a one foot in front of the other phase-no grand plans.  I like plans-I really do-but I can't seem to form one at that moment that I can have any faith in at all.  So I am just doing what I can when I can and we'll see how that works.  I think it's far better than doing nothing at all.

In an effort to keep moving-I do move on.  If I can make a decision-I save it for later-BUT I move on to something else.  Cause there is always something else.  I call it creative procrastination.  It sounds fancy, doesn't it?


My head just can't deal with a lot of absolutes and etched in stone things right now.  So, I look at the current crop of possibilities-pick one that looks promising or interesting-and just keep moving-one foot in front of the other.  I'll let you know how that works.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Try try try

I'm working on the decluttering dehoarding thing-it's slow going and painful.  Honestly though-if I were to be completely frank (like I ever am anything else BUT) it's not really any harder than any other hard task.  When I get overwhelmed-I sit back and try to evaluate-is this on a 1-10 scale really THAT hard?  I'd give it a 7-and and 5 or 6 if I'm really working well at it. 

Even what has become my standard wailing point-"It just takes sooooooo long"...isn't really a valid point.  Grad school took 18 months-this is taking a few weeks.  Well shit.  I'm getting really good at overcoming my own objections-without-and this is key-turning around at attacking myself for having them.  Lazy, good for nothing, stupid....nope-just stubborn and offering my opinion-kind of like several dogs and a horse I know of.

Oliver is helping too-when I find something I go "OH Look at THIS" and he's delighted with whatever I find-even if it's garbage.  He just likes to feel involved.  His favorite response is "GOOD LORD" unless it's something he wants for himself-then it's "oooooooooooh" and he proceeds to make himself as charming as possible.  We have a lot of boxes and bags around right now-but there are plenty of paper sacks I can spare for him to shred-so he's a happy guy right now.

The kitties are off for their surgeries-and he's NOT happy about that.  He saw them leave (one was using his special carrier) and he doesn't like that at all-no no no.  He keeps asking me "You want a kitty?" and he meows a lot.  They'll be back Monday and all will be well.  For some reason, in his birdy brain, the kitties belong to him.  I don't know why, but it's clear he believes that they are his and my job is to clean up afterward and feed them.

Casper is going on pasture rest and maybe permanent retirement-and I have leased a gelding to ride for now while this all plays out.  It really kind of bothers me because Casper did not like Socks-but Socks was available and he's the right size, training level, etc. so I try not think about that part.  Socks thinks he's hit the mother load because I don't ride that much or that hard-so Easy Street suits him fine.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

If you Get a Chance

I've never introduced anyone to anyone in blogland-I usually just let people wander over and introduce themselves.  Lithia is new to blogging and new to altered books-and I was wishing I could introduce her to some of you guys-so, what the heck, I just did.

I doubt I will ever become a social butterfly-but who knows?

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Hopefully I am smarter than the bird

I really am concerned that Oliver might be awful if someone ever started crying in my living room.  Worrying about things like that keeps me from doing anything productive.

Anyway-we were watching some reality show that involved bawling and he started in with the jeering and it just hit me-so I said, nicely "Oh No NO NO....Mister BIRD-when someone cries you say "I'm Sorry".

Then I proceeded to make crying noises and then say brightly "I'm sorry".  Oliver tipped his head and watched and listened intently.

Finally-I bawled and bawled and asked "Now, what do you say Mister Bird?" and he puffed up importantly and said "You want some POPCORN?"

I choose to see this as step in the right direction, because he didn't shout OH BOO HOO HOO CRYBABY.

I know exactly where he learned this in the first place-the last season we watched The Biggest Loser it was a big cryfest and it annoyed me.  Now when he does it and I'm crying it makes me laugh and feel better but I'd like to teach him a more appropriate default behavior just in case someone is upset and not so inclined to think everything Oliver does is perfect.

Yesterday it rained and we watched a remake of Night of the Living Dead.  He started laughing and laughing and that made ME laugh and I thought there is no one on the planet I'd rather watch a zombie movie with than Mister Bird.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Falling Falling

Letting go of things is so hard to do.

I'm dealing with a couple of big gorillas my living room.  Agility makes MY feet hurt-even training is too much for my ankles.  Riding makes my horse's feet hurt-even an hour, with a lighter rider than me.  I hate this physical limit stuff.

I hate not being able to do everything I want to do and I hate hate hate no knowing what to do.

Right now I'm going to sit and cry.  A lot.  And loud.  Loud enough to make Oliver the parrot screech "OH BOO HOO HOO crybaby".  That bird is so inappropriate sometimes......he cracks me up.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Please Be Safe

All you East Coasters-Earl's a comin.  Be safe, warm and dry.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Update

I will post more later.  Lots of fun and insight and wonderful things and hard things and all the usual magic when friends get together and just let the walls down and BE.

Friday, August 27, 2010

On the Brink

My friend Misty is coming today to help me with my clutter.  I'm scared and that's all I can say today-I'd like to be able to write a long and eloquent list of thoughts with a happy outcome-but the truth is closer to this: I'm not at all sure about this.

I AM sure about my friend-no doubts there-but this whole sharing of problems thing-it's a little new to me.  This is my test case of vulnerability-sharing something without knowing if I can cope with the outcome.

In fact, I wanted to share this is happening right now and ask you all to send clean and orderly thoughts my way.  I am making the sidebar on this blog happen-but damn it's not easy for me.  I always seem to go right straight for the hard stuff.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Second Guessing Game

As part of my trying Ritalin (or any drug that is any how related to mind or mood) I was on a hiatus from any big decisions.  I tried something new this time-no decisions-but I examined a lot of stuff in my life.

One thing I immediately noticed was that I was able to look at things without a lot of anxiety because I didn't have any decisions to make-I was just looking.   I also just typed and erased "we can't always go on decision hiatus".  The truth is-most of life's decisions don't have to be made overnight-we just think they do.

Even the animals like to sleep on it.  When training a new behavior, I introduce the behavior find a stopping point and let it go.  Usually, after a little time to rest and reflect-the critter gets it.

How many times have you ramped up for a diet by binging on sweets?  That makes me laugh right now because it makes absolutely no sense.  I am going to instill a new behavior by doing the opposite....and we all know how that usually works out.  But, it's actually no different than saying to you "I am going to train your dog to come to me by slapping it every time it gets near me."

Right now I'm revisiting several new insights a week or so later to see if they still look good.  This is a huge change for me-as I usually rocket off with each new idea.  What a concept-testing and thinking about an idea before acting on it.  Yet, I would do that all the time in business-I rarely did business things based on a "hunch".

I feel better as I've come to realize I do have the skills to get the life I want-I just need to apply them in new areas of my life.  

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

No Rain but it's pouring

This seems to be a year where death pops up everywhere and in places you weren't expecting it.  I don't even mention it here every time someone dies because after awhile it gets to be almost unbelievable.

I got word of a friend who passed away yesterday and I'm shaken to the core.  Another one?  REALLY?

It never gets any easier does it?  The expectation that some of life's challenges would be like learning math or a new hobby-easier over time-is just wrong.  Loss never gets any easier and it never will.

Monday, August 9, 2010

More Random

 I slept a lot yesterday-really good restful sleep-so I just assumed I was tired.  During that time, my biological clock reset itself and I am now up an hour earlier than normal.  It was fun waking the dogs up for a change.  Hopefully the reset will hold-because my dogs will no doubt wake up an hour early tomorrow-they reset faster than I do.

It's been so hot they are probably glad to have the extra hour of cool time-I know I am.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Thinking about Luck

Pumpkin is the the little yellow boy kitty I chose from day one-before his eyes were open.  He was all orange and looked just like a pumpkin.  He has always been pumpkin.  Patches is the second brother. When the rescuer was looking for homes I said that I would also take the last boy-just rehome everyone else that people chose and give me pumpkin and kitty X.

What's really interesting to me is that Patches is a perfectly wonderful kitten.  He's very different from Pumpkin-shorter fur, louder voice, and a bigger ego.  But different is not always a bad thing.  He make me laugh and he doesn't cuddle often, but when he does, well you know you've been cuddled.

Thinking of the two really makes me think about how random life is.  Two wonderful creatures, but one who was taken only really out of pity.  But the irony is-BOTH ended up in the same place in life-and none of it was of their own doing.

Life really IS that random, isn't it?

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Better

Ok-if I am going to chronicle my ADD efforts here I had to get rid of the orange.  This feels better.

From my reading and thinking, my first insight is that I need to apply structure but not get trapped by the structure.  So, I am picking a few things to add structure to.

Last week I tackled the absolute number one eating problem I have-the one thing that is consistent no matter what else-I don't eat fruit regularly.  This sets me up for other secondary issues-like eating sugary sweets, etc.  More importantly-it has always been my achilles heal-so after it I went.

I have eaten two fruits a day for almost a full week-and trust me, that has never happened before.  I've even had to resort to bribery-you MUST eat the fruit, then you can have anything else you want....but I've done it.  I'm sure it's helped my health-but helping my mind overcome something that has been chronic is HUGE.

So this week I went for bigger game in the eating/body image realm-My MOTHER.  I joined Weight Watchers-(one of her all time food guru triggers) and I told her-and I told her what day I was going to weigh in and asked her to hold me accountable.  Well shit fire-you would have thought I had given her the keys to the Taj Mahal.  And I got a glimpse of how shutting her out has hurt her.

I'm not going to dwell on that-it's just an insight that what matters to someone else might not be what matters to me.  What mattered to me was having control over what I eat-but by including her I have made her feel, well, included, but I've given up nothing.  She just wants input, and what I do with that is my own business.

In the clutter hoarding area-I have invited a friend down to help me with a garage sale the end of the month-and told enough people that I can't back out.  So I am going to focus on that for the rest of the month.  It's too hot to go outside anyway.

I also want to get back to the art I do best-writing.  I've experimented and will continue to experiment with all manner of visual things-but I'm not a visual artist.  Well, not a very good one.  I write-it's what I do-it's who I am.  I feel like I'm finally saying it's ok just to be me.  And that feels pretty good.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Ugh stuck.....

I seem to get some momentum for a bit-then I get stuck again.  Most likely this happens because I take a little momentum-declare "now I have it" and add about a zillion things onto my to do list......get overwhelmed and stop.  Yeah-that's an ADD thing.

I guess my new mantra should be slow down and get there faster.  Would anyone buy a T-shirt that said that?

I guess this is going to become an ADD blog for awhile while obsess on this new label.  I hate labels.  I like the new clarity my brain has with the Ritalin-but I dislike what the fogginess has done to my life while I avoided the label.  OH well.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Oh wow

A few months ago I had a facebook virus that sent weird links to everyone in my email list.  I deleted all addresses and such before finally resolving the issue.

TODAY-for no reason-an email from April popped up.  Apparently my daughter had been e-mailed and she was asking if I wanted further contact.  WOW-just wow.

I emailed her back and explained I had only just now opened the file and asked how she was.  That is all-we'll see what happens next.

It's hard not to indulge in WHY today, WHY not THEN, WHYWHYWHY.  But, it's easier and ok just to say I don't know why and move on with my day.   Sometimes things just happen when they happen, and I'm ok with that.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Waving Hello

I seem to be very much in a transition of sorts and I'm trying to pay attention so I can get my lessons I need to get and move on.  I've recently started taking Ritalin (for adult ADD) so maybe that will help.  If nothing else-it makes for one funny paragraph.  Boy-that would suck if that's what your life ended up being-one funny paragraph!

Oh, I know, it could be worse, a 6 word tragedy.  SIGH.  I never seem to win in the one upmanship of bad luck game-someone is always worse off.  I suppose that's a good thing-really.

I shared a blue slushy with Casper.  At first he was put off by the icy texture and declined further sharing.  THEN the barn cat came up and had a bit and it was ON-the horse became a slushy drinking fool.  Give the golden boy his due-it takes skillz when your nose is larger that the diameter of the cup-and the cup is sitting in your blind spot.

The new kitties have reached the age when most kittens are taken to the pound.  I keep reminding myself this will pass soon enough.  Pumpkin and Luna have reached an accord.  Patches must keep testing limits.  Then he has to retest them to be certain.  Later on, he must return to the scene of whatever crime he committed and recommit to fully understand the impact of what he has done.  Either that-or he just likes to tease Luna.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Thanks for Checking on Me Mim....

I'm trying not to perish in this heat.  Today it was 90 before 11, and it stayed in the 90s until after 9 am or so.  Sometimes it feels like I've done nothing but complain about the weather this year-whining about the cold, the ice, the floods and now the heat.

I haven't blogged much lately and I'm not sure why.  Maybe when I figure it out I can blog about it...ok that made me smile.

There are two new additions to report-Pumpkin and Patches are brother kittens.  Pumpkin is a fluffy yellow tiger, and Patches his brother, is a short haired yellow tiger with, you guessed it, patches of white.  They are brothers from the same litter, but it looks like they had different fathers or at least took after different sides of the family.  Pumpkin is laid back, fluffy and square, like a persian.  Patches is long and lean....but both have siamese voices.  Patches is the instigator and Pumpkin is the diplomat.  Luna is not sure what to think.

Oliver the parrot is delighted to supervise the kitty introductions.  He chatters and fusses and bosses them around.  If someone hisses, he says very sternly "QUIET" and if they move where he can't see them he hollers "Kitty Kitty KITTY-come here NOW"  The best news is the kittens are not at all freaked out by it-so that is one worry I can check off the list.

The kittens came from a friend on a message board-she hand raised the entire litter until the Mom tamed down enough to come in and help.  I had picked Pumpkin out before his eyes were open-but then decided I'd take the final two boys.  It turned out that they were Pumpkin and Patches-so I got Pumpkin anyway.  Everyone scooped up the cream colored and siamese marked siblings and left the two yellow boys.

People are CRAZY-because everyone knows that there is nothing on earth that is more snuggly than a fat ginger cat-and now I have two!  Ok they are smallish yet-but fat gingers they will be in no time at all.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Random Post

I am not sure that you can call this an update because I am pretty sure I will leave something out.  I'm still fiddling with anti depressant cocktails to get a good balance between somewhere between terribly anxious and I don't give a damn.  I'd also like to find a good point between total focus on one thing, and unable to focus on anything.  I don't ask for much.

Casper is doing well in horsey school and I am learning so much more than I could have imagined.  I really don't think a Great White Shark could have taught me any more about life and myself than my good old horse is teaching me.  Once I removed the blinder that "far away and exotic is better" my eyes have been opened to a whole panorama of things I've missed.  Click the red slippers-there's no place like home.

Oliver the Parrot and I are ready to take our next step too-we are looking for another grey who is older-perhaps one whose person died or had to go into a home.  He loves watching television, but he loves most of all to watch other grey's on You tube.  The other day we watched Alex the Parrot's last video.

Alex was very sad in this video-he'd been plucking feathers and kept asking to go back to his cage.  This upset me and it upset Oliver.  OTP was so upset he crawled up on my pillow and took a nap-something he never does-he just wanted to be close at that moment.

I've always felt like Alex' schedule was too much for one bird-Oliver needs lots of down time and alone time.  I also feel very strongly that each species, if they are social, needs one of their own to truly experience the fullness of understanding.  For instance, I wrapped myself up in a blanket the other day to experience Oliver without hands.  He picked up on it immediately and hopped over to examine my face without worrying about those arms and hands zooming in.  He seemed relieved.

Now, he likes my hands-he's learned to let me rub his neck and shoulders and feed him.  But I will never be able to preen him, or be just close to his own size.  It must be a little like living with a giant.  Ok, it must be EXACTLY like living with a giant.

So, I am going to find another grey and we'll see what happens.  It has to be older, a young one would outlive me by a long time.  Hopefully it's not damaged-but we'll see about that too.  I've thought it through, and the worst that could happen is that it will have to live at one end of the house and Oliver at the other.  But I am hoping something else happens-I'm just not sure what it will be.

I've made the acquaintance of a few potential friends, but they are a little on the young side.  We've got feelers out for just the right bird, and I know when the time is right it will join us.  After THAT-well I have no idea.

Monday, June 21, 2010

More Joy Than One Bird Can Handle

I decided to steam clean my kitchen cabinets.  If you know me-this is highly out of character, except for the part that includes gadgets. My train of thought was something along the lines of maybe I'd enjoy the gadget part so much I'd overlook the fact that I was cleaning.

The dishwasher was already running-a favorite noise for Oliver.  Horsetraining show on TV-he loves western twangy voiced men or that Aussie guy.  And now the steam was hissing, making a sound not unlike the dream whip can.

"Huh?" he peaked around to make sure we weren't about to indulge in dream whip.

"Stay there Mister Bird-this is DANGEROUS STUFF" I cautioned.  He settled on the  room divider and watched while I steamed away.  That worked pretty good until the top blew off the steamer and the entire corner was fogged.  I dropped the steam gun, pulled the plug and headed for the next room shouting "run run, it's gonna BLOW!"

We still haven't finished the cabinets and OTP still hasn't finished chuckling.  He thinks steam cleaning the cabinets is, however, a fine pass time.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Head-Meet Wall

The sound you hear is my head pounding against the same old wall.  It doesn't matter which wall-it's all the same fucking wall-(said in a jaded Janis Joplin voice).

Monday, June 14, 2010

All Wet

I am fine, and I appreciate the concern from those who asked.  We don't live near a river, and the street flooding hasn't threatened the house at all.  The backyard floods, but runs off into the street.  I got a break in between storms around 8 pm and dashed over to sonic for ice and milk so I don't have to go out.

I've heard the streets are a mess and I'm sure down by the river is not pretty.  Casper's regular stable is on the river, but he's at horsey camp right now, so he's safe too.

Moon has decided to be thunder phobic-so 24 hours of Thunderstorms is wearing on him, but the other dogs are stoic.  I think, like people, the rain makes them sleepy so they just sleep.  I stuck Oliver the Parrot out in the dog room today and he talked to them allllllllll day-so everyone is exhuasted and hopefully will sleep well tonight.

I cannot lie-I haven't watched the news and I slept all day too-I worked outside Fri/Sat/Sun at a dog trial and am was just exhausted.  I didn't plan on taking it this easy today-but I'm glad I did-nothing like sleeping away a rainy day.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

This is my brain on....

I am switching anti depressant cocktails again-I don't really know if the Celexa ever worked, or just provided me with a "eh, I don't care attitude" so much so that I didn't care if it worked.  Strangely enough, I don't care.  Hah.  It's one of those things that if I knew the answer to the question, I still wouldn't have any useful information.  It's not working NOW-so off we go hi ho hi ho.

The human brain is the ultimate adaptive vehicle, and staying one step ahead of my brain to keep it running well has been a lifetime undertaking. Some of the things that make it work really well in some situations, make it difficult to manage in others.  When it's in FOCUS mode-I can do amazing things-that is unless it's focused on the wrong thing.  When it's not in FOCUS mode, I have rampant ADD, or I am a multitasking genius, take your pick.

One of the things I was thinking about while in this "make no decisions, no changes mode" is how far I've come in my new world since moving to OKC.  I have new friends who are local and dog/horse oriented.  None of them have ever seen me in a suit, some have no clue I used to be really fat or travel a lot in my former occupations.

Of course, then a voice has to ask "and so, what GOOD does that do you or anyone else."  To answer the voice refer to paragraph 2.  I think one of the things that allows me to somewhat succeed with the brain I have is that I DO adapt and try new things, and I don't let being the newbie or feeling stupid stop me from doing what I want to do.

Brace yourself-can you believe Solo pup and I are taking a conformation class?  Conformation is dog beauty, it's all politics, completely useless, and something I've always wanted to try.  Solo is nominated by virtue of his intact testicles and the fact that it won't interfere with his agility training.

Moondog, my brilliant tortured genius dog and I are in a freestyle class and will compete in an event in September.  Yep, that was my next step-quit training and compete in SOMETHING.  Moondog is now old enough to jump, etc so we are working on a routine.  Freestyle is dog dancing, costumes are involved.  WHAT was I thinking?

Molly is pinch hitting for Moondog in flyball-as she is the only other dog who is old enough to do box turns and I made a commitment to a team.   If any of you seek to actualize yourself via dogs-take a hint from me and do NOT get a puppy unless you are patient.  This path of puppy experimentation is only now starting to pay off, and Moon will soon be two.

That's another thing about me that doesn't reconcile.  I am both the most impatient person in the world and will also undertake things that take years to achieve.  I have actually spent the same length of time and about as much effort in Moon as it would take to get an associate's degree, but that is just where my focus has been.  Right or wrong?  I don't think that value applies.  It just is.

If there is one thing I HAVE learned, it's not to let someone else's value system control how you spend your time, because at the end of the trail, how you spent your time is all you are going to take with you.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Progress Update

Casper is scheduled to go off to training next week-and I'll be joining him.  We found a wonderful trainer in the area who specializes in middle age women who are a bit timid but want to learn.  Ok, I made the specializes part up-but a lot of her clients are just that.  IN THE AREA is so important-I'll be able to go ot twice a week and ride and visit.  Many trainers do not want visits or to give lessons, and that is why I haven't sent him before.

Casper is not just any horse, he's MY horse.  I can evaluate him and know his failings and shortcomings, and couldn't care less-he gets, oh, about 48 years of pent up, starved for a horse,  love.  We've had slow beginnings because I knew nothing, and had to teach myself how to get involved in the horse community etc, but I'm getting the hang of it now.

I won a breeding to a very nice stallion last week-had a moment of thinking maybe I'd by a mare.....but I am going to either sell or give away the stud service.  I can't afford another horse, and I'd be about 55 before this new horse would even be rideable assuming I could afford training.  I'm better off spending that time riding and loving the horse I have.

I am not sure where this blog is headed.  I thought about creating a new one for a new direction, but the truth is, it's always just been about what's in my head at the moment-so we'll just stay here-me and the voices in my head.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Wow

Do you ever just break down and cry over the strangest things?  Last night I boo hoo'd for a good 20 minutes.  I am trying to get myself and my life in order, and I had to think about turning 50, and if I wanted to do the Great White Shark swim (because I need to get the deposit in if I do).

So, I thought about it-and what I wanted to get out of it.  Certainly having strangers see me in a wet suit doing something brave/foolish had no appeal.  For me, it was about the experience of seeing and being experienced by such a great animal.  And then it hit me-(perhaps because I work so much with animals, I am pretty adept at understanding them) the shark really won't experience ME at all.  It will examine the cage, examine me and determine I'm not food-and then it absolutely will not care.

And with that thought I wailed and wailed.  You would have thought I just realized I was all alone in the universe-and for a moment I was.  Because I realized that, no matter how badly I might want a connection or an outcome, sometimes sheer desire just isn't enough, and there is absolutely nothing, nada nilch, I can do about it.

When I realized I couldn't switch off the waterworks, I just went with it.  Trying NOT to cry always gives me a huge headache and then I cry anway, so I bawled like a sick calf.  The only way I could get the Great White Shark to notice me would be to feed it a leg-and I'm just not willing to do that.  Even in the midst of my tears I realized that pretty much sums up a lot of human relationships too.

So I am taking my GWS birthday money and buying some training for Casper, who does notice me.  I will get a lot more benefit out of this than 30 minutes in the water with something who doesn't even know I'm there.  I may be growing up even if I do cry over spilt sharks.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

I'm headed for Tulsa

I'm headed to Tulsa with a friend to see a dog show.  I hope everyone is well, and has a safe (safe) uh, safe holiday weekend.  If you are on the road, keep an extra eye out, and if it's hot, drink lots of water.  I appreciate all your good wishes-I'm doing Ok.

Monday, April 12, 2010

The Phantom Of Blogopera

I'm waiting for the Alleve to kick in-and this is a good thing to do while that happens.  Emotionally I am in the storm right now-fully engaged in my life and digging through the rubble of what I've drug in when I lived in the land of dreams and wishes.  I'm picking out those things I want to keep and work on, and letting go of what, however nice it would be, I won't have time to do.  I have a lot of rubble.

I'm making progress beyond where I was when I fell off Casper.  That loss of momentum really hurt more than the aches and pains did-and a groin injury IS painful.  But that's all it was, loss of momentum, not the end of all things.  One of things I did was ask my friend if she would take Casper back, and when she said yes I told her to let me think about how that would feel.

Honestly, and without drama, it felt like I might as well die.  I think I've written here that when I was in Mexico going under, my only regret was not having a horse.  And having a horse has been nothing like I thought it would be, but it has been so much more than I ever dreamed.  Casper can rip my confidence to shreds and send it over the moon.  Unlike my dogs, he is not devoted to me-he loves everybody.  But he does trust and respect me.  He'd be happy without me, but I wouldn't be happy without him.  Casper stays.

The snakes are gone-I put the last of them down.  100 percent fatal virus was, well, 100 percent.  Death never seems to cut me slack.  This is my second complete wipe out and I'm done with it.  Winters are too worrisome and hard to deal with with reptiles, and virus are hideous too.

I'm hauling a load of decorating/craft/horse rubble to Cookson Hill's Christian Ministries tomorrow-the kids will enjoy the stuff and I'll enjoy visiting with Grandma Wilkerson and Michelle (who breeds my border collies).  Solo man is riding shotgun-he's doing well in his classes and as firstborn child of Michelle's up and coming stud dog-she'd like to take a look at him.

The mustang is gone.  I traded it for a truck.  Daddy was driving the dog car as his car (he drives maybe once a week) but I know he didn't like it.  He had trouble getting in and out of the Mustang-so I just decided we needed and truck and that's what we did.  The day we went truck trading was a good day for us both-I don't miss the car and I have a really really nice memory with my father.

I'm finishing up post cards and will mail them-and maybe one day I'll even scan and post the ones I've received.  I feel bad about not being current with those things-one day I hope to be current again on life-but right now my focus seems to be somewhere else.

The good news is,  I am at least focused somewhere.  For so long I've been focused on everything at once and nothing at all.  It's not a good way to be, it's neither comfortable nor happy.  I'm still not comfortable-and that's ok-life isn't always comfortable, but I am confident enough to explore options for comfort rather than hide away from it all.

Physically, I'm getting better every day.  I still have some pain, but now am able to work my body so that I'm tired at night and sleep easily, and that is a great mental relief.  I'm looking forward to Boston in a couple of weeks- a weekend of celebrations, frienship and laughter.  Most likely there will be a few tears also-we lost yet another friend last week.

I'm checking out of the hotel at noon Saturday-and just need to know where to show up and I will belong to you guys till Sunday evening.  My mind is still a bit warped about going so far for such a short time-the novelty of that is almost as exciting as the company!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Dreams

Michele wrote an interesting post about Forgotten Dreams.

Honestly, there isn't that much I haven't done in some shape or fashion.  I haven't swam with a Great White Shark, but I saw one-yes it was in a tank, but in many ways that was better.  At any rate, it was more comfortable.

I got some letters after my name, which I never use.  I've owned homes and cars-the usual things people think about growing up.  I even have my wonderful horse now.  I've shared space with dogs and cats and birds and other amazing aimals.  I've taken a few good pictures here and there and had my own office with a big wooden desk.  I've almost made it to 50-which is something I never even intended to do.

It's a very strange head space to be in, living in a age you never imagined you'd reach or planned for.  I've never had a terribly strong grip to this world or life.  I wake up sometimes and think "oh, still here I see."  I've been knocked out a few times and when I came to my first thoughts were always trying to figure out exactly "where" I landed, but I don't recall ever being disturbed by the notion that I might be dead.

When I was in Mexico having my lap band surgery, I realized a few seconds before they put me under that I was getting ready to be unconscious, alone in a foreign country, in a not so nice area of said country, and that no one in the family knew where I was.  No one knew what the name of the sugery practice was or how to contact me, so if I didn't wake up or they threw me in the swamp, no one would even know where to look.  "wow" I thought when that realization hit, and thanks in part to drugs, then next thought was "oh well, too late to worry about it now."

What I DID worry about was thinking hard about what I'd regret not doing if I didn't wake up and still had memories of this life.  I really was sorry I'd never owned a horse.  Really, I didn't think about telling so and so I loved them or any of that stuff you are supposed to think about.

A few years later, back in Oklahoma, going under for another surgery, my thought was "I don't care where I wake up as long as it feels better than I do now...."

A year or so after that, TRYING to wake up after falling off the horse, I thought "well shit, I had to have that horse didn't I?"

I've always considered myself to be a deep thinking kind of person-but when it comes to life and death stuff, I'm pretty damn simple.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!

I learned to squeal HELP HELP while I was away.  The woman doesn't find it amusing.  I, on the other hand think it's funny funny funny.

Today was METER MAN day!  OH OH OH-barking barking barking.  The woman went out and I yelled and yelled QUIET QUIET!!!!!!  HELP HELP QUIET!!!!  Those dogs would never shut up if it weren't for me.

It is spring spring spring outside. OUTSIDE.  I say "You wanna go OUTSIDE?" a zillion times a day and that stupid woman does not get the hint.  What does a bird have to do?  Monday while she worked I divebombed her head-HINT HINT HINT.

I even snapped at her when she tried to put me away.  Ooops, that wasn't very nice and I was sorry.  Someone please draw her a picture.  SPRING + WARM =Stupid Woman pull out my Patio Cage and put the bird OUTSIDE

The dogs are outside.  The cat gets to go out into the garage.  The woman is boring and I want to go outside.  OUTSIDE!!!!  YES.  NOW.

How hard can it be? TAKE THE BIRD OUTSIDE.  HAW.  FREE THE PARROT!!!!!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Another Candle Gone

I received news today of another person lost.  I was going to add her name to Renee's candle, and instead the link broke.  Was someone trying to tell me to let it go?

Like Renee, Red was larger than life-a lot of woman wrapped up in a feisty package.  So much woman that  don't think any of us really believed she'd die-leukemia was just another thing for her to push past.  But, die she did, and a family member posted in her accounts to let her online family know.

Red was on her way too the hospital when Denise and I were on our way to Dallas.  We had intended to meet her for coffee-instead she went to Waco and never left.  It is highly likely we passed along I:35.  So  close, yet never to meet.  I was bringing her a pair of boots, they are still in my trunk.  So sad, one more thing left undone.

So sad.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Whoop De Do Whoop De Do!

Isn't that what Jackie Gleason said?  Anyway-that worked as a new phrase for Oliver to replace some of the less savory things he was saying.  The bird kennel reported he said it and not the other things.

BUT-he also came back with a new phrase "HELP  HELP!" which he finds completely and utterly hilarious.  He'll get himself all worked up and yell "HELP HELP" in a long drawn out weedy voice-then laugh and laugh and laugh.   When he's really feeling clever, he'll mock slip on his perch and shout "WHOA!".  I really think he has some three stooges or old comedy shows in his history.

Last night I wanted to watch TV-remember we only have one.  He found Oprah and "Life" utterly boring.  There is something on Animal Planet tonight I want to see, so I'm going to give him a few hours of cartoons this afternoon so he doesn't feel all neglected.

I did work out the he meant to say SIT for that other thing he was saying-because he used in context with a click noise (I clicker train the dogs).  Be that as it may-he has a slight lisp and someone not familiar would think it was the OTHER word.  Whoop de do is a much nicer thing to yell out on a spring day.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Haiku Bones-Two O'Clock

My insomnia
Seconds drag by so slowly
Tick tock two o'clock

For more haiku fun visit haiku bones.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Update

I haven't blogged much about what's going on inside of me lately.  I'm in a transitional phase (I love that term) and it's all kind of fresh and tender.  It's definitely all part of the whole midlife crisis thing.

I'm really GETTING it that there are just some things I'm not going to be able to do/achieve based on physical limitations.  My orthopedic surgeon would probably hit his knees and shout "amen" if he read this.  To put it nicely, I frustrated him.  As horseman, he would approve of Casper though-no impact on my leg-I just need to stay on top of the horse and off the ground.

As my leg has improved I've pushed and pushed and now have achieved the ability to push to the point my ankle and foot hurt.  Oh yeah I forgot about that.

I appear to be in a period of mourning for my lost abilities, or lost illusions.  And I AM mourning them even as I plan around.  I am in no way ready for the easy chair-I just need to make the necessary modifications to keep ME comfortable.  Some of those modifications include modifying goals and expectations.

I will never have the speed to compete in a National Agility Trial...my dogs do, but I don't.  Fortunately, the dogs don't care.  My goal for them and me is to run clean (meaning we go in the proper order (my challenge) and no knocked bars or refusals (their challenge).

One of the dogs is starting in flyball.  Again, we can't travel to be really competitive, but it's a sport where the dog does most of the work.

Oliver is startng on the path of therapy dog.  He's old enough and calm enough now and let's face it, he's cute and people like him.

I am attending a Freestyle (dancing with dogs) seminar to see if that's something we could do.  I know the dogs could do it-and it's choreography (something that fascinates me) so you can choreograph around your strengths and weaknesses.

Casper has walked with me for several weeks now, and he's about to start work on my arms as I have got to get that loose hair off him.  My good patient golden boy is such a work out partner.

Oliver the Parrot continues to guide the household.  He's impatient right now because the sun says it's spring, but the temps aren't there for him to go outside.  He really seemed to enjoy boarding this time, and riding in the car.  I like it his world is expanding.

Ok, one more time I start talking about me and move into the animals.  Oh well.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

To Set the Record Straight

I really try hard to do what I'm told and if some people can't hang on after they tell me to trot, well what is a boy supposed to do.  I also like looking straight at the camera, and that lady is always complaining that it's not my best angle.  LOOK at this face-there is not a bad angle on this face!

Why, I look good even when I'm making funny faces.  Did you know Mr. Ed was buried in Oklahoma?
When the lady thinks I'm being silly she sometimes calls me Mr. Ed.  I think I may start referring to her as Wilbur.


This is not ME-this is Dazzle-she is one of my fair ladies. She always looks away when the lady is trying to take her picture and she (that woman) says she's not going to fiddle with her any more.  Look at her, she's so tiny next to me and so delicate-grrrrrooooowl.  But the lady says it doesn't matter much,  because I'm a gelding.


This is Macho.  He's a stallion.  What does HE have that I don't?  Hmph.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Whew

Let's see-we had a giant blizzard but it was too cold to stick for more than a day or two.  I planned to nest during that time but Casper got sick and I spent a lot of time with my big boy.  He's all better now but he's a little confused as to why we all got interested in his poop and taking his temperature a zillion times.

Prissy is a little on the puny side and Daddy has the flu.  My leg still hurts, but not as bad.  I'm heading out to the stable in a bit to check on my guy.  I did send off 5 postcards this morning-I am either caught up or ahead on mailing-hope to open and scan mail tonight.

This weekend I am going to the AKC National Agility Finals with the dogs-we are practicing dog travel.  None of my dogs will be competing, but we can dream.  That is, we'll go if everyone stays sound.  Fingers crossed.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Some of us got new hairdo's


Cody is sporting his usual spring lion cut-GRRRRRROWL....



Oliver the Dog has a Schnauzer cut going on.  He looks much softer here than he did a few weeks ago.


But fear not-he's still fierce!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

The Truth About Oliver the Parrot

I went to pick Oliver up yesterday.  My lawn was treated earlier this week and I'm uber careful-since he was gone anyway, I wanted to give it time to clear out.  Anyway.....

There he say-holding court as the only bird in the boarding room.  He had a window view of the store, including Popeye-the venerable old Grey.  In the boarding room were several cages of dwarf rabbits and baby guinea pigs.  Oliver loves animals smaller than him-they are easier to boss.  Needless to say-he was pretty chuffed with the set up.

I walked in and he ran over and dipped his head for a scratching.  I squealed "Mister Bird Mister Bird" and he squealed his high pitched greeting noise.  Happy reunion.

Then the shop girl came in and he ran over to HER and dipped his head for another scratching. HOLD UP.

She informed me he does that all the time.  Yes-it's true-Oliver the Parrot likes women.

In other news, his former owner was at the store while I was gone and she cried.  I felt bad about that, but she did say he looked good and seemed well.

With the new travel set up-he can ride in the car in his travel cage-no dog cages for him-and he seems to enjoy car rides too.  So, a few trips under our belt there is much less parting trauma on both our parts.  He' s smart enough to remember the bird store and the people, and he LIKES women and guinea pigs.

He also seemed glad to be home though.  I let him watch Sesame Street and Thomas the Tank Engine-and he settled in to bossing Prissy around (much to her distaste).  It's still too cold to let him go into the sunroom-so I moved him by the front window so he could look at that yard for awhile.  Come on summer!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Photos from the Pasture and Feed Store

This place is a bad bad place-many extra dollars spent here....LOL.

It was windy and the mares were being silly-cow hopping and acting the fool.  This is Casper's girlfriend Dazzle-at least HE thinks so.

In his dreams, she runs to him, nostrils flaring, mane flying.  In reality......

She gives him the cold shoulder-LOOK, but don't touch or I'll kick you in the teeth bad boy!
More mare nonsense-just running cause they can!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Photos from Texas/Oklahoma

A stream by the condo.


A duck along the riverwalk in San Antonio.


LOOK-blue sky in San Antonio!

Driving home I pulled over cause the light was amazing-see how brown it still is in Oklahoma?

More amazing sky/light despite the brown.


Oh yeah, I remembered the Alamo.

There were people on my trip but I never know who cares and who doesn't care for pictures posted, so I usually don't just to be safe.  Ok, I admit it-the nikon shoots better than the purse cam.

Home Home Home

Not all of us yet-Oliver and the little dogs come home today.  I am downloading Norton-I picked up a nasty virus while I was gone.  I will upload pics from Starbucks, but I'm not doing anything involving a credit card-sorry if you guys got weird mail from me while I was gone.

I can't put any pics up now-the virus scan is taking all my processing time....LOL, but I got some great ones.  I left my handy purse cam at home and made myself learn to use the NIKON.  OMIGOD.  I kept getting separated from the group because I'd wonder off looking at the light and how it hit this brick or that flower....LOL.  Fortunately I have friends who either understand it totally or tolerate it as a charming quirk.

There was SUN in Texas-and the sun and the shadows just blew my little brain-LOOK-sunlight on a leaf....OH LOOK_sun on the water...LOOKIE LOOKIE-a SHADOW!

Yet another lower end movie cam has been banished-I LOATHE it.  It was on Austin Duty and I missed great shots.  I'm putting it in the drawer though-it's water proof-and better than nothing-but reliable enough for the most casual trip-NOT.  I went to the camera store and had someone let me try out what they had-I found a sony that is a younger sibling to my good but heavy one-and it works the same way and uses the same batteries-SCORE.  It wasn't cheap-but it wasn't too bad either-it's not high def so it was marked down.

I'm feeling some moving picture pressure.  I am going to the AKC agility nationals at the end of the month-and still shots are nice, but video is really needed.  I am working on a commercial website now, and I have to be current on all the bells and whistles to compete with other web sites.  WAAAAH.

Norton is still scanning but I need to move on for now.  Anyway-I'm home!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Haiku Bones-Pregnant

Burst forth with new life
Scatter stardust to the wind
Possibilities

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For more haiku visit Haiku Bones.

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I'm back in town-gotta clean a virus off the laptop-sorry if you've been getting weird e-mail.  Piles of mail and post cards and such to sort out.  Limping still, but maybe not as much.  Vacay was wonderful-many fine friends, much fine food, some great photo ops, new perspectives and all the things a vacation is supposed to bring.

I've had a Casper visit (fat and happy) and the three BC's are home.  Monday I get the small dog crew and Mister Bird.  He (Oliver) was wayyyyy to interested in his surroundings when I left him, so I am sure he's got new tricks to show me when he comes home-heaven help us all.  At least there were no macaws or really LOUD birds there when I dropped him off-those tricks I can do without.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Haiki Bones Infestation

For more haiku fun-visti Haiku Bones.

Ache, stiff, sore, shiver
Incontinent pee
Age infestation

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Gone Soon

I'm heading out for Texas in a few hours.  I will pick a friend up at the DFW airport and we'll head south from there to Canyon Lake.  The house feels empty without the dogs and OTP.  I'm tired and my back and legs still hurt, but I am very much excited about seeing friends, maybe dancing, maybe a glass of wine.....all that kind of stuff I don't get to do very often.

Be safe while I'm gone, be kind to each other.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Suited For Re Entry Major Tom

In order to clean up the house a bit and do laundry to ready myself for vacation I have resorted to artificial aids.  I did some research and ordered a groin brace-and it's not here yet and I have things to do.

I tried a do it yourself wrap job which convinced me the brace will work well-but the wrap wasn't so great. So, I bought compression shorts.  This is basically a half of a wet suit, but I know from my bogs (muck boots) neoprene really does keep the muscles warm.

So, today I suited up to do the dishes.  I am wearing undies and a workout bra/tank top combo. On top of that I have a compression shorts.  I have a t shirt.  I have capri pants AND a soft ankle calf brace from foot to knee.

 As luck would have it the hip/thigh/groin that is wobbly is right on top of my forever wobbly ankle, and a twist of any of the those would probably set off an unfortunate chain reaction that I don't even want to contemplate.

I don't really care what it all looks like IF it will work and buy me some work time.

Oh, I also have a donut pillow to increase my sitting time...I pretty much mangled my sit bone area.  At least I can sit through an 30 minute show now...progress!

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Haiku Bones-Sleep

Regeneration's
Implied promised energy
Restore-renew, sleep

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For more haikus, visit Haiku Bones.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Six word Saturday

Go for the highnotes like Oliver.

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  I'm working and listening to Oliver practice a song he's working on-he's trying different notes and melodies.
I love that bird-he, like most parrots is not very good at high notes or long notes-but he keeps trying and trying.  He wants to get it right, and usually he does.  Then he laughs with delight.

It is so easy to be good at what you are already good at-but the real victory comes in going for the highnotes and succeeding.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

It this the Tipping Point?

Made it ALL day yesterday without picking up anything weighing more than 5 pounds.  My mom snorted at this-but YOU try it.  I don't consider myself a really active person either-but 5 pounds is not that heavy.  I bet a gallon of milk weighs 5 pounds. 

Then I goofed and drank fully leaded and decaf so I listened to good music till 4 am and tried not to fret.

Right now I like Grooveshark.  I have a portable Sirius radio I haven't set up yet.  Resetting the car radio (before the ban on cussing) was a chore.  I may try to calmly set it up today.  I am down another 4.00 from yesterday.

I love Atlantic City by Bruce Springstein.  It's artistry, the repetition and phrasing conveys the perfect sense of desperation-no wonder it was a hit for the Boss.  But as I listened and played video games-I kept wondering-"If the Boss called, would you meet him Atlantic City?"

Of course I wouldn't now, but even as a young foolish lass, I would not have followed a clearly desperate man on an illegal venture.  I have jumped into a burning van and pulled a man I loved out-no qualms about death or injury.  But breaking the law?  Nah.  I am just so NOT a desperado and never have been.

Oh, there was a point about a tipping point.  My point about that point is that I am now able to think about silly things right now and not how badly my leg hurts when it will stop hurting and what this all means.  It means I fell off a horse and got the flu.

It probably means if I ride again I should use stirrups and not leave my helmet in the locker.  (looking the other way and whistling.....)  So, the tipping point isn't tipping me into a new dimension, just back to the one I tipped out of a month ago.

What that means is the world just goes on anyway.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Groin Groin Groin!

For weeks I wasn't even sure women had groins, but we do and mine hurts.  Back is pretty much unspasmed and decompressed.  Hip-check, back on line.  Groin, not so much.

I am having a terrible time being compliant with the non lifting.  I actually enjoy the stretches I do-I've always liked stretching-you don't get sweaty and it feels good.  I've had numerous laproscopic belly surgeries, and never busted a stitch or a hernia because I didn't lift anything over 5 pounds first week, 10 pounds for several weeks after.  I'm good at following simple directions.  Until now.

For one thing, I don't have the threat, even imagined, of guts flying eveywhere if I don't comply.  Two, I've already been confined for a little over a month.  Three, unlike belly surgery which hurts pretty much all the time, then fades, the quits and viola-you can lift again-THIS little jewel doesn't hurt until YOU lift.  It's sneaky.  SNEAKY I tell you.

The way the muscle works is pretty standard.  For the first couple of weeks my leg had to stay straight.  I sleep on my back with my legs twined and crossed the way most legs would never go-so this was very hard for me.  Crossing my legs again was quite relief.

I've walked out the walking muscles-I can stay up to do pretty much any household chore and can string together several now.  I can go to the grocery.  Carrying them in is where the trouble starts.  The last 40 pound bag of dog food put me on my back for two days.

So, I am declaring a lifting hiatus of one week starting today-which is really tomorrow for me cause I'm writing this on Tuesday but I've already lifted something I shouldn't have.  And it was sneaky-because I didn't know it was heavy.

Part of my declutter project involves lots and lots of paper-paper is heavy.  BUT, tadaaa-I could just put the stuff I want to throw out in bags, and deal with the bags later.  Some day I'll be able to carry out a lot of bags and wow, won't that be great?  Can you tell I'm really trying hard to work within the boundaries my body has set for me?

For the clutter issue-this may actually be good-instead of doing it the way I think it should be done or not at all-I am doing it any way I can.  If I try really hard, I could even generate the same enthusiasm I did for building the makeshift toilet.

A note about that for future reference.  I started with a bag lined box-because the box was narrower than the bucket and I didn't have to spread my legs as far-this was back in the days described above.  For some reason-it had to have a bag and it had to have a receptacle.  As I dismantled and cleaned, I realized-had I just used a bag, I wouldn't have had to spread my poor legs much at all.  So much for thinking outside the BOX...........ok, that makes me laugh out loud!  (sorry if that was too much KJ-it makes me giggle too much to delete it)

OK, GRATUITOUS PRISS POST.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Big 50

First I have to acknowledge it-then I've got to figure out what it all means.  Hah-that would take another 50 years.

My plan for some time was to cage dive with a Great White Shark ON my birthday.  Now, I'm not so sure.  It's not a fear thing-it's a dollar thing.  The dive at the Farallons-where the big pregnant girls are-would be cold as all get out.  I cannot convey with words how much I loathe being cold.

Guadalupe is a week long event.  Cool, yes, expensive, OH MY.  No one I know would get in the water with me, and no one I know would actual go on the boat, so I am not sure that bobbing around the ocean with strangers is how I want to celebrate my 50th-and the sharks are the males who are smaller and inferior.

Lately I've figured out dreams don't always work out-we know I'm slow.  So, I've been amusing myself with alternative celebrations and combinations.  I could go on a topside voyage to the Farallons  and watch the sharks swim around other people while I wore a coat and took pictures.  If I did that-I could also take a decent road trip this summer WITH my border collies.  I have friends who have expressed interest in part of the trip.

At the time the shark dream started, tourism hadn't happened, and people rarely saw them.  It was the rare factor.  Now anyone with a plane ticket and 400 bucks can see one.  Lots of people do-it's still not common perhaps, but not RARE.

On the other hand, seeing prairies and mountains and sheep and bison and all manner of things through the eyes of Moon, Molly and Solo-that can only be accomplished by me.  And even if I share it with pictures and words, it is still implied that I did it-ME. 

I've never thought in terms of a birthday being about me before.  I told you I was slow.

Monday, February 22, 2010

And then it all Changed

For grins, I went back to my last post before it all caved in.  On January the 24 I was worried about nutrition, clutter and talking about upcoming trips.

On January 25, Prissy got terribly ill and I fell off my horse and ended up at the ER.  That was a long day, it's past and no sense in wasting space with it now.  I was up and around on the 26th, on the 27th I woke up with a flu that got incredibly and rapidly worse as the day progressed.  A blizzard started and I was snowed in for a week with the flu, no working toilet and very limited mobility.

Some days it took me all day until 10 or 11 pm, to feed the dogs and myself.  When you are snowed in, you are on your own with what you have available.  When we ran out of dog food (it was frozen in the car) we started on lean meats from the freezer.  The dogs were ok with this program.

I lost a couple of snakes during that time-a virus has been going through my colony and there is nothing I can do to stop it.  I lost a friend who was a young mother.  We did not, thankfully, lose power-my plan was just to go to sleep and die along with the animals-I had no energy to do anything else.

It's been a long road back and I'm still not there yet-but am moving in the right direction.  I can move around more easily now, stay up for longer times.  The Westminster Dog show was the first television show I was able to watch in over a month-sitting is still not the easiest thing to do.

Sometimes I get tired of explaining why "it's taking so long" to heal.  I'm going to be fifty-I fell from a height that is taller than my head.  Nothing broke-a lot of things got really banged up and bruised.  If you think YOU could do better, climb up to about 5 feet 7 inches and do a flop more or less straight down on your bottom.  Then get back to me.  Oh, and run 100 and something fever for several days, shaking and shivering on those sore muscles and don't eat for a week or so.  See how that works for you....LOL.

More and more I get amazed at how even older people in our society think there should be a pill or a treatment that is an instant cure.  We really have gotten completely out of touch with our bodies and how they work.  That statement includes me.  I've learned more about my buttocks and pelvic girdle than I ever knew existed.  I didn't quite realize that extent of the muscles that lurk there until they all got tied up in knots

Of course, we all know I'm getting better now as I'm willing to talk about it.  Being sick or injured always drives me deep inside.  I have some ideas why that might be-but it really doesn't matter in the scheme of things.

While perched on my heating pad, I've distracted myself with taking stock of things.  Some of those things are not pleasant to take stock of-but I am keeping my eyes open as I always do and will push through.

I'm going to set this to post on Monday-I like my haiku and I don't want to take away from it.  Priorities.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Haiku Bones-Fraught

For more haiku fun-visit Haiku Bones



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Green pushes aside
Comforting earth, behold sun......
Possibility

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This pleases me-I've felt I've been perhaps too literal in always using the word prompt-did I get it right-I was trying to get the image without using the word.  You guys tell me.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Six word saturday

Rest easy surrounded by loving thoughts.
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Thursday, February 18, 2010

Doing Good Deeds with a Potty Mouth

My potty mouth is going to help out Bernie Berlin at a Place to Bark.

For the remainder of Lent, I will pay 5.00 for each F bomb, a dollar for all other words spoken or written.  I shared this with members of a forum I belong to-and one lady is going to contribute 5,00 for each forum member who signs up to join the effort (up to 100.00) and we are a potty mouth group.

I'm not Catholic and I'm not even religious, but I very much like the idea of positive change, and I don't like the idea of needless suffering-so I will suffer my restraint, but when I goof-it will help our furry friends.

I'm so excited I have a Mitvah to report for Mitvah Friday at Micheles.....

Thanks to the efforts of Moon, Greta, Oliver the Dog, Cody and Oliver the Parrot, I have 8.75 in the cussing jar already.  Moon broke in with his crew and went counter surfing whilst I was playing with Molly and Solo. Oliver the parrot was in his cage, but he was hanging upside down laughing and urging the dogs to more mayhem.

Since then he has repeated several of the words I uttered, but I am not paying for him because he's a loose cannon.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Bald?

Poor Luna is shiny and has put on weight and is a glorious sight to behold, right up until she rolls over.  Her belly, where they shaved her for her spay, is bald as a boiled egg.  This probably why she spends as much time as possible with her belly pressed up against me.

I'm going to break down and put a cat door out to the garage.  For her, the garage is as outdoors as she's gonna get (there is another door that leads to the outside, and a side yard that is gated, but that is next to a dog who would do nothing but bark if I let her out there.  She will also have use of the dog room on nice days-so she has plenty of access to the sun and to her Pal Oliver who goes otu there on sunny days too.

We may have to get sunscreen for her belly though.  This is me trying to work while lying down with a cat on my chest.  Then I tried to take a picture of that, but she kept looking at me not the computer.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Solo's Salute to the Olympics

Mim and Oliver

First-Mim-I can't post on your blog-but I wanted to give you a hug......((((((Hugs))))))

Ok-I hesitate to post Oliver stories because some of them are a little far fetched.  We've been working on questions lately-what does kitty say, what does pirate say=and he knows a question requires a certain answer-he has the concept.  So now I ask him random questions just to see what he'll say.

Today he's been singing his version of the cops theme-it used to be bad dogs bad dogs what you gonna do-but then a few weeks ago he changed it to bad bird bad bird and he thinks this is very funny.  He totally gets humor.

So, anyway, today he was singing and singing and suddenly I asked him-Ok, Mister Bird, WHAT do you think THEY will say when they come for you?  He thought about it for a minute-he knows about what-say and he knew it related to the song....then he laughed and said "Say-WANT SOME POPCORN? and then he laughed and laughed and laughed (and so did I).

For the rest of the night he'd sing his bad bird song, the go "say want some POPCORN" and just crack up laughing.  He's smarter than most people.

He also gets context.  Molly was in and did a good job with her training and when she was walking out he said "Oh, good job Molly" (which is amazing because until recently he taunted her).  Then she got into trouble later on and he said "BAD DOG MOLLY-Molly is BAD BAD"  Now I realize some of that is him repeating what I"ve said, but he clearly understand the difference between a good dog and a bad dog-and this is new for him.  In the past he was always rude to Molly.

Same hold true with Moon and Solo-when they are quiet or doing proper behavoirs, he'll tell them they are good.  When they are barking or being naughty, he scolds them.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Haiku Bones-Seductive

Belgian Chocolate
Coffee with heavy sweat cream
Lucious, seductive

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For more haikus, SEE Haiku Bones

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Six word saturday

Carob valetine's for the dogs-YUM.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Pain

I realize I haven't been writing because I hate talking about physical pain.  If I am having it-it takes all my focus to deal with it.  If I am not having it-I don't want to think about it.

A week or so ago I would have been content just to find a position where I could lie still and not be in total agony.  Aching was ok, just stop the agony.  Now I've progressed to the point that I want to walk and sit.  I know, I'm never happy.

I feel good enough to start feeling antsy-but if I stay up too long I have to stretch back out to relax those muscles.  I want to feel good again, and then I feel very guilty for wanting that.  A young mother I know died a few weeks ago-I'm sure she'd take my body, agony and all.

So, I feel guilty for not liking physcial pain.  I feel frustrated for not being able to leap up and do the things I want to do.  I distract myself for a little bit, then I feel guilty for the time I've "wasted" by distracting myself.

I'm frustrated there is no timetable for "better", then I feel guilty because at least I know I will get better, and some people won't.  It's just one big cycle of real pain and self inflicted mental pain. 

Yay.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

I'm here-really

Blogger is being weird about letting me leave comments-I just wanted you guys to know I am lurking even if I'm not commenting.

Oliver and I just shared an apple.  It was his idea.  He suddenly perked up from his nap and said in his sweetest voice "Do you want your APPLE?"  Who could resist, not me.

I couldn't watch the super bowl (SUPA BOWL) according to Oliver.  Sitting doesn't work yet for me.  But I had a good time listening to Mr. Bird, who went nuts with all the screaming and applause and such.  He yelled SUPA BOWL and YAY and OMIGOD and laughed all evening long.  He was pretty quiet on Monday-he was worn out from all his celebrating.

He also figured out if he sticks his head in an empty food dish and makes his pirate noise "AAAAARGH" it echoes.  He has changed his Bad dog bad dogs song to -you guessed it BAd Bird BAd bird-watchu gonna do.

Finally, and this is big-he changed up a canned response, to, I believe elicit laughter.

We play a game called "What does kitty say?  What does pirate say?....etc. and he knows what each thing is supposed to say (Kitty says meow, Pirate says arrrrgh, dog barks, etc).  We were playing that and I said "what does kitty say?" and he paused for a minute and then shouted "AAAAGH who let the dogs out?"  I laughed so hard I hurt myself, and he laughed for an hour after that.  I really do believe it was a deliberate "joke" on his part.  He likes he sound of laughter, so it's not so far fetched to think he'd want to do something to create that sound.

He has been my angel as I've been sick and recovered.  I love all my animals, but Oliver is really and truly more of a colleague than a pet.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Haiku Bones-breath

Resting Silently
In the space between two breaths
Is eternity




More haiku fun at Haiku 

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Friday, February 5, 2010

Update

Toilet spontaneously unclogged.  This is good cause Daddy forgot to tell Mom to get me some liquid plumber and that sparked an existential pity party on my part.  Now, I'm telling this just as it happened.  I was hovering over my makeshift dunny-peeing and grimacing cause squatting hurts and generally feeling "woe is me' and WOOOOSH-the toilet unclogged!  I cheered and the bird cheered because that's what he does.

I thought about what this might MEAN-yes it makes me snicker to even type it.  But I did.  And I think the lesson is that sometimes we focus on "help will come from X" and we forget about all the other letters out there-and even the random events.  Maybe "help" would come sooner if we just opened ourselves to the possibility that help will come.

Now that's some deep shit.....HAHAHAHAHAH.  I know, but even KJ has to think that's funny!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Scorecard

Power stayed on and nobody died.
It's Tuesday-so 7 days since I've left these walls.
Toilet is dead-need a plunger or liquid plummer.

I can walk a little bit, but cannot sit.  This arrangement has caused my "good" hip to get sore and makes toileting not so fun.  Also see above toilet comment.

Oliver has an entire new repetoire of coughs and groans.

I've bet Daddy a quarter his pacemaker will not have to be replaced.  He thinks they gave him an MRI in the ER (which per the manual destroys pacemakers) and I think they gave him a Cat Scan.  I don't trust his memory because he's old and he doesn't trust mine cause I fell off a horse.

The dog room sprung a leak and is wet.  The dog food I bought pre storm is safely frozen in the truck so the dogs are eating their way through my freezer.  Yesterday they had rabbit and turkey.  Today they are gettin a rack of ribs.

The rack of ribs was bought on sale an will probably figure out to be more cost effective than the damn dog food.

I am simmering oxtails/leaks/carrot/potatoes for myself.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Haiku Bones-Uncanny

This week's prompt from Haiku Bones was "uncanny"
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Familiar stranger
We've never spoken before
We know-uncanny
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Friday, January 29, 2010

Six Word Saturday (bad language alert)

Feel like a bag of assholes.
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This makes me incredibly happy to have found these words (stolen from a friend) because is sums up my state of being in six words!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

If I post pictures from the ER on facebook I"m probably not dying...

I posted some pictures from the ER on facebook Monday cause I was bored.  I was being held for observation having taken an unfortunate tumble from my rather tall horse.  I was saved by my trusty ass, but it knocked the wind out of me, I didn't remember falling, so off to the ER I go, high ho high ho.

On the way the attendent thought I might be babbling cause I said "Oh shit, my moon is in the car!" but I was able to explain that moon was a border collie and he was supposed to be in the car.  I didn't want to talk about it any more when he said "why would you take your dog to the stable?

Now here is the interesting part-they took me to "Presbyterian" which I thought strange since I thought it had closed but what do I know?  I've been hit on the head.

When  got there, all the tags said OU health sciences center.  So I asked-"Are you sure this is Presbyterian?  "yes ma'am"....OK then that's where I shall tell people I am.  Called Mom.  Called Bill to tell Mom and Dad NOT to come up there-I was either broke and in for a day or two or would walk out shortly.  Called the vet to check on Prissy, who had her own ED visit that morning-sigh-story of my life.

Over the next few hours we worked out that Presbyterian had closed, but purchased and operated OU health sciences center and they didn't know what they were going to do with signage.  We got a back up plan for getting the dogs out of the car, but I was able to take a cab back, drive home and the dogs behaved like champs-good dogs Moon and Molly.

Prissy is doing better, but what we thought was wrong with her wasn't-so her annual trips to the ED are still cause unknown and will likely continue to occur until she doesn't come home one day.

Tuesday I was able to go out and stock up for today's ice storm-my ankle is saying it's not going to be that bad, but I have many drugs on board cause on Wednesday I woke up with the flu.  Yeah, I've had both seasonal and swine shots, but Daddy managed to get something in the hospital last week (causing ED visit on Saturday) so I just chalk it up to being around sick people.

I would not wish a high fever/muscle aches coughing on top of an horribly sore hip and leg from horse falling on anyone.  Yesterday I was a sweaty pile of misery.  Today I'm just a sore pile of semi misery-but really would like the power to stay on.  If it doesn't I have a plan for both houses, so we're good, but shit fire, enough already.

BTW-my horse was not at fault-he did what I told him to do, long story, and I didn't stay on so the drama was all me.  As soon as I kissed dirt, he stopped and looked around like-Uh, that's not where you are supposed to be.  I love that horse!