Saturday, June 5, 2010

This is my brain on....

I am switching anti depressant cocktails again-I don't really know if the Celexa ever worked, or just provided me with a "eh, I don't care attitude" so much so that I didn't care if it worked.  Strangely enough, I don't care.  Hah.  It's one of those things that if I knew the answer to the question, I still wouldn't have any useful information.  It's not working NOW-so off we go hi ho hi ho.

The human brain is the ultimate adaptive vehicle, and staying one step ahead of my brain to keep it running well has been a lifetime undertaking. Some of the things that make it work really well in some situations, make it difficult to manage in others.  When it's in FOCUS mode-I can do amazing things-that is unless it's focused on the wrong thing.  When it's not in FOCUS mode, I have rampant ADD, or I am a multitasking genius, take your pick.

One of the things I was thinking about while in this "make no decisions, no changes mode" is how far I've come in my new world since moving to OKC.  I have new friends who are local and dog/horse oriented.  None of them have ever seen me in a suit, some have no clue I used to be really fat or travel a lot in my former occupations.

Of course, then a voice has to ask "and so, what GOOD does that do you or anyone else."  To answer the voice refer to paragraph 2.  I think one of the things that allows me to somewhat succeed with the brain I have is that I DO adapt and try new things, and I don't let being the newbie or feeling stupid stop me from doing what I want to do.

Brace yourself-can you believe Solo pup and I are taking a conformation class?  Conformation is dog beauty, it's all politics, completely useless, and something I've always wanted to try.  Solo is nominated by virtue of his intact testicles and the fact that it won't interfere with his agility training.

Moondog, my brilliant tortured genius dog and I are in a freestyle class and will compete in an event in September.  Yep, that was my next step-quit training and compete in SOMETHING.  Moondog is now old enough to jump, etc so we are working on a routine.  Freestyle is dog dancing, costumes are involved.  WHAT was I thinking?

Molly is pinch hitting for Moondog in flyball-as she is the only other dog who is old enough to do box turns and I made a commitment to a team.   If any of you seek to actualize yourself via dogs-take a hint from me and do NOT get a puppy unless you are patient.  This path of puppy experimentation is only now starting to pay off, and Moon will soon be two.

That's another thing about me that doesn't reconcile.  I am both the most impatient person in the world and will also undertake things that take years to achieve.  I have actually spent the same length of time and about as much effort in Moon as it would take to get an associate's degree, but that is just where my focus has been.  Right or wrong?  I don't think that value applies.  It just is.

If there is one thing I HAVE learned, it's not to let someone else's value system control how you spend your time, because at the end of the trail, how you spent your time is all you are going to take with you.


studio lolo said...

medication is a tricky balance. I've been on the same anti-depressants (for panic disorder) for 25 years. It works most of the time. I have it cut down to the lowest possible dose without having multiple attacks. I'd like to get off all of it.

I think it's great that you're doing things with the dogs you never thought you'd do! And I understand the focus thing. Man, have I been stuck in the move/change. And I personally don't like being the newbie. I never thought I'd say this but I miss my popularity I had in CA.
Here, I'm just another fat, middle-aged invisible person. And I have been out of work for nearly a year now. That's really getting me down.

i agree about not going with someone else's value system. Somewhere along that apth we lose ourselves...and WHy would we want to do that? Life is tough enough.

Good to have to back!

soulbrush said...

talk about anti depressants makes me more depressed than i am already.... am in a dark deep hole right now. you sound fairly busy and okay, so the meds must be helping somewhat. hope so.

Debra Kay said...

LO-I've really thought a lot about you and your move. I wish there was some way I could have prepared you for what it was like-but I didn't know what to say without making it sound awful or negative.

Soul-get your ass out of that hole.

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Robin said...

I can realy relate. At times, I could use some anti-depressants....but, I no longer have health insurance - having lost my job last year....and also splitting from my I am on my own and struggling - it's a constant struggle to stay positive. YOU are doing wonderfully!

I admire your strength and courage to stand up and move on with your life!


♥ Robin ♥

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