Do you ever just break down and cry over the strangest things? Last night I boo hoo'd for a good 20 minutes. I am trying to get myself and my life in order, and I had to think about turning 50, and if I wanted to do the Great White Shark swim (because I need to get the deposit in if I do).
So, I thought about it-and what I wanted to get out of it. Certainly having strangers see me in a wet suit doing something brave/foolish had no appeal. For me, it was about the experience of seeing and being experienced by such a great animal. And then it hit me-(perhaps because I work so much with animals, I am pretty adept at understanding them) the shark really won't experience ME at all. It will examine the cage, examine me and determine I'm not food-and then it absolutely will not care.
And with that thought I wailed and wailed. You would have thought I just realized I was all alone in the universe-and for a moment I was. Because I realized that, no matter how badly I might want a connection or an outcome, sometimes sheer desire just isn't enough, and there is absolutely nothing, nada nilch, I can do about it.
When I realized I couldn't switch off the waterworks, I just went with it. Trying NOT to cry always gives me a huge headache and then I cry anway, so I bawled like a sick calf. The only way I could get the Great White Shark to notice me would be to feed it a leg-and I'm just not willing to do that. Even in the midst of my tears I realized that pretty much sums up a lot of human relationships too.
So I am taking my GWS birthday money and buying some training for Casper, who does notice me. I will get a lot more benefit out of this than 30 minutes in the water with something who doesn't even know I'm there. I may be growing up even if I do cry over spilt sharks.