Tuesday, June 1, 2010


Do you ever just break down and cry over the strangest things?  Last night I boo hoo'd for a good 20 minutes.  I am trying to get myself and my life in order, and I had to think about turning 50, and if I wanted to do the Great White Shark swim (because I need to get the deposit in if I do).

So, I thought about it-and what I wanted to get out of it.  Certainly having strangers see me in a wet suit doing something brave/foolish had no appeal.  For me, it was about the experience of seeing and being experienced by such a great animal.  And then it hit me-(perhaps because I work so much with animals, I am pretty adept at understanding them) the shark really won't experience ME at all.  It will examine the cage, examine me and determine I'm not food-and then it absolutely will not care.

And with that thought I wailed and wailed.  You would have thought I just realized I was all alone in the universe-and for a moment I was.  Because I realized that, no matter how badly I might want a connection or an outcome, sometimes sheer desire just isn't enough, and there is absolutely nothing, nada nilch, I can do about it.

When I realized I couldn't switch off the waterworks, I just went with it.  Trying NOT to cry always gives me a huge headache and then I cry anway, so I bawled like a sick calf.  The only way I could get the Great White Shark to notice me would be to feed it a leg-and I'm just not willing to do that.  Even in the midst of my tears I realized that pretty much sums up a lot of human relationships too.

So I am taking my GWS birthday money and buying some training for Casper, who does notice me.  I will get a lot more benefit out of this than 30 minutes in the water with something who doesn't even know I'm there.  I may be growing up even if I do cry over spilt sharks.


Lisa at Greenbow said...

You should be weeping for joy that you are about to make it a half century and you are intelligent, talented and can make good decisions. Cheers.

Robin said...

Debra Kay, I have come your way via KJ and Lo... I am always interested in your postings because we are close in age...and you are an animal lover - and in particular, HORSES! I have always wanted a horse (or 2 or 3) of my own, but it has never worked out for me. My Father rode and put me in a saddle at 6.....it was (and remains) the only "sport" I was ever good at..... but that's just because the horse(s) always knew I loved them and respected them.

Your post today was especially interesting because I have a friend who is going on one of those "Great White" adventures..
I feel your disappointment at not having a dream realised - BUT - your theories about the shark and YOU are right.... the money will be s wisely used on Casper....who not only notices you, but loves you.

As for "growing up"....you are miles ahead of me.... I applaud you!


♥ Robin ♥

Mim said...

Casper loves you....and so do your friends.
See..I think it's good that you just don't want to be an "observer" - I think that's great. if crying about it made you feel better in the long run, then hey-ho for crying.

and I'm glad you're not feeding him/her a leg - that would be a tough way to get noticed.

studio lolo said...

This sounds like an amazing breakthrough my friend.

I say Bravo for hearing/seeing/feeling the message.
I guess you were ready to receive it ;)

When is the big day? You can email me the date if you'd like.

You know, that horrific oil spill is also something to consider.
Sealife everywhere will be affected one day. Maybe you could think of a way to help the GW's and their pals somehow.♥

Granmo said...

Now, now Debra Kay, dry your eyes and think positively. The Great White will want you, even for a brief moment, even for food, but at least you'll have a once in a life time relationship, however short. And you will both have an experience and you will both know it. Personally, I'd go for it.