Saturday, April 3, 2010

Dreams

Michele wrote an interesting post about Forgotten Dreams.

Honestly, there isn't that much I haven't done in some shape or fashion.  I haven't swam with a Great White Shark, but I saw one-yes it was in a tank, but in many ways that was better.  At any rate, it was more comfortable.

I got some letters after my name, which I never use.  I've owned homes and cars-the usual things people think about growing up.  I even have my wonderful horse now.  I've shared space with dogs and cats and birds and other amazing aimals.  I've taken a few good pictures here and there and had my own office with a big wooden desk.  I've almost made it to 50-which is something I never even intended to do.

It's a very strange head space to be in, living in a age you never imagined you'd reach or planned for.  I've never had a terribly strong grip to this world or life.  I wake up sometimes and think "oh, still here I see."  I've been knocked out a few times and when I came to my first thoughts were always trying to figure out exactly "where" I landed, but I don't recall ever being disturbed by the notion that I might be dead.

When I was in Mexico having my lap band surgery, I realized a few seconds before they put me under that I was getting ready to be unconscious, alone in a foreign country, in a not so nice area of said country, and that no one in the family knew where I was.  No one knew what the name of the sugery practice was or how to contact me, so if I didn't wake up or they threw me in the swamp, no one would even know where to look.  "wow" I thought when that realization hit, and thanks in part to drugs, then next thought was "oh well, too late to worry about it now."

What I DID worry about was thinking hard about what I'd regret not doing if I didn't wake up and still had memories of this life.  I really was sorry I'd never owned a horse.  Really, I didn't think about telling so and so I loved them or any of that stuff you are supposed to think about.

A few years later, back in Oklahoma, going under for another surgery, my thought was "I don't care where I wake up as long as it feels better than I do now...."

A year or so after that, TRYING to wake up after falling off the horse, I thought "well shit, I had to have that horse didn't I?"

I've always considered myself to be a deep thinking kind of person-but when it comes to life and death stuff, I'm pretty damn simple.

8 comments:

Snowbrush said...

You either have a gift for dark humor, or I'm being totally offensive in telling you how much this made me laugh.

Lisa at Greenbow said...

It sounds to me like you are enjoying life. I have never been afraid to die. Heck I am too busy living to worry about the inevitable.

studio lolo said...

Snowbrush's comment made me laugh!

It looks like your perspective on dying has changed a bit.

I don't think we forget our dreams. Sometimes life forces us to prioritize them as needed. Perhaps our need for certain things have changed just as many things do as we age.

As for me, I'm hanging on to my dreams. I like that carrot in front of my nose so I have a reason to keep putting one foot in front of the other every day.
I'll celebrate the dreams I reach and I'll lighten up on myself for the dreams that still seem (for the moment) unattainable.
And I have to continually work on not letting myself down.

So, dream on Deb! Keep them alive ;)

xo

Snowbrush said...

Lolo said: "Snowbrush's comment made me laugh!

Thankee, dear.

Lisa said: "I have never been afraid to die."

You really must tell me (us?) your secret. I fear it more the older I get, and I fear the death of my wife even more than I fear my own.

kj said...

i don;t know what to say! you are brutally honest here, and i actually love the way you see the world. if there is an answer beyond showing up and taking it all in, i don't know it either.

hey! guess what i'm looking forward to? three weeks? how awesome is that.

we'll talk...

love
kj

soulbrush said...

oh god i walk the path of fear of death, i am too much in control and can't imagine letting go. but man oh man you have really done some wierd things, like going to mexico and not telling anyone where or why. getting to 50 is a milestone, but how about 60, that is even more scary!
(sorry not a very cheery comment, don't feel cheery).

Debra Kay said...

I think the best humor is always a little dark. I may really be sorry I thumbed my nose at the Grim Reaper so much-but I can't seem to help myself.

I have done many weird things-not all of them big or notable and some were weird in retrospect. My parent's and a few friends knew I was going-but I never bothered to say where because it didn't seem to matter. By the time I was overdue for my return and people would wonder about me-whatever was done would have been done-that was my thought process.

I think people leave contact information a lot of times as a sort of bread trail-so and so can come get me OUT if I need help-but I am so much of a realist-when I go camping or even to the stable-I'm well aware that when the shit hits the fan (Oh how I enjoy being able to type that word again) it's ME that will have to get me OUT if I'm going to get out.

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