I'm waiting for the Alleve to kick in-and this is a good thing to do while that happens. Emotionally I am in the storm right now-fully engaged in my life and digging through the rubble of what I've drug in when I lived in the land of dreams and wishes. I'm picking out those things I want to keep and work on, and letting go of what, however nice it would be, I won't have time to do. I have a lot of rubble.
I'm making progress beyond where I was when I fell off Casper. That loss of momentum really hurt more than the aches and pains did-and a groin injury IS painful. But that's all it was, loss of momentum, not the end of all things. One of things I did was ask my friend if she would take Casper back, and when she said yes I told her to let me think about how that would feel.
Honestly, and without drama, it felt like I might as well die. I think I've written here that when I was in Mexico going under, my only regret was not having a horse. And having a horse has been nothing like I thought it would be, but it has been so much more than I ever dreamed. Casper can rip my confidence to shreds and send it over the moon. Unlike my dogs, he is not devoted to me-he loves everybody. But he does trust and respect me. He'd be happy without me, but I wouldn't be happy without him. Casper stays.
The snakes are gone-I put the last of them down. 100 percent fatal virus was, well, 100 percent. Death never seems to cut me slack. This is my second complete wipe out and I'm done with it. Winters are too worrisome and hard to deal with with reptiles, and virus are hideous too.
I'm hauling a load of decorating/craft/horse rubble to Cookson Hill's Christian Ministries tomorrow-the kids will enjoy the stuff and I'll enjoy visiting with Grandma Wilkerson and Michelle (who breeds my border collies). Solo man is riding shotgun-he's doing well in his classes and as firstborn child of Michelle's up and coming stud dog-she'd like to take a look at him.
The mustang is gone. I traded it for a truck. Daddy was driving the dog car as his car (he drives maybe once a week) but I know he didn't like it. He had trouble getting in and out of the Mustang-so I just decided we needed and truck and that's what we did. The day we went truck trading was a good day for us both-I don't miss the car and I have a really really nice memory with my father.
I'm finishing up post cards and will mail them-and maybe one day I'll even scan and post the ones I've received. I feel bad about not being current with those things-one day I hope to be current again on life-but right now my focus seems to be somewhere else.
The good news is, I am at least focused somewhere. For so long I've been focused on everything at once and nothing at all. It's not a good way to be, it's neither comfortable nor happy. I'm still not comfortable-and that's ok-life isn't always comfortable, but I am confident enough to explore options for comfort rather than hide away from it all.
Physically, I'm getting better every day. I still have some pain, but now am able to work my body so that I'm tired at night and sleep easily, and that is a great mental relief. I'm looking forward to Boston in a couple of weeks- a weekend of celebrations, frienship and laughter. Most likely there will be a few tears also-we lost yet another friend last week.
I'm checking out of the hotel at noon Saturday-and just need to know where to show up and I will belong to you guys till Sunday evening. My mind is still a bit warped about going so far for such a short time-the novelty of that is almost as exciting as the company!