Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Where the heck am I supposed to be?

Didn't get on the plane this morning-just didn't want to. Cold front coming through would have killed the reptiles IF the heater doesn't work. Apparently it does but it hasn't been used in two years and I couldn't take the risk. I woke up twice with a horrible pit in my stomach thinking "you are needed here today". One I could ignore, two, not a good idea.

The thing is, I may never know what I escaped or what I prevented, but I really feel like here is where I need to be and here is where I'll be. I also believe, since we are talking about such things, that God looks out for those who at least make a good faith effort-so if my vibes were a bit off, or my interpretation correct, I've still earned points for listening.

There are two kinds of vibes. One is the go ahead vibe, and that can sometimes be blurred by wanting to do the thing you are getting the vibe to go ahead and do. The DON'T vibe is usually dead on and when I do after being told don't, I usually regret it.

So, I spent the morning reworking, rescheduling but not minding it at all because I feel like I am where I'm supposed to be. Called Sue, she isn't sure what she's supposed to be doing, so I asked her to come here next weekend so we could sit in the backyard and watch the dogs and drink wine and talk about what we think it might be that we'd like to do. It's very convenient to have a dear friend who is as mixed up as I am.

So, I am going BACK to Houston to get a lap band fill, then will pick up an 11 year old dog in Dallas who needs a home. Take John for glasses on Saturday. John to Dr. on Monday. What else? Oh yeah, gotta clear out a bed for Sue.

A little more road time may help set my head right-it usually does. Road time with parents is different because there is talking, and it's good to share the road with them. But it's also good to go alone.

At this point in my midlife crisis I really have no map. And, it's a little frightening-when you don't know exactly what is wrong, it's very hard to know what to do. I would define depression as not being able to get out of bed and get moving at all. This fugue I'm in is different-I'm up and around, I just don't know where to go or what to do with myself.

I'm also being uncharacteristically cautious. Normal mode of operation is just do SOMETHING and see what shakes out. But right now I am content just to do what clearly needs doing and wait for a bigger picture. Is this wisdom or lack of nerve, or are both the same thing?


Michele said...

I like what you said about G-d looks out for those who at least make a good faith effort. You know I've been having a bit of a religious crises lately thinking I should go back to being more strict and rules based when in reality I don't want to. It's just not me. I once had a roommate in college who said something along the same lines ... she had been raised Baptist and decided instead to just follow her heart and develop her own relationship with G-d by being the best person she could be. Thanks for reminding me of that ... oh and thanks for adopting Ms. Bitty : 0

Debra Kay said...

I woke up thinking about Ms. Bitty-we are all very excited to have her join our crew.

I'm not big on rules and I'm not big on one source of information. We were talking about a recent murder and Mom said "Well, didn't God say thou shalt not kill?" and I popped off and said "Mom, I'm not really sure what all God Said"....wrong to say. That got my brother a bit stirred up "But it's written in the Holy Bible" and I countered with "there are a lot of things written. And most of them do agree that killing is not a good thing, and I am sure God does not want us to kill. But, he never said it to me."

OH MY GOD-the first comment was jut a joke about God not talking directly to me.....eeeesh.

But, my family does believe I am not a killer and I'm not Godless-but that promoted a discussion on making fun of God. Now come on-humans can sometimes misinterpret intent and jokes can backfire....but the Almighty?

I personally think God gets a huge kick out of how the human race has mucked up a simple message-play nice with each other.