Didn't get on the plane this morning-just didn't want to. Cold front coming through would have killed the reptiles IF the heater doesn't work. Apparently it does but it hasn't been used in two years and I couldn't take the risk. I woke up twice with a horrible pit in my stomach thinking "you are needed here today". One I could ignore, two, not a good idea.
The thing is, I may never know what I escaped or what I prevented, but I really feel like here is where I need to be and here is where I'll be. I also believe, since we are talking about such things, that God looks out for those who at least make a good faith effort-so if my vibes were a bit off, or my interpretation correct, I've still earned points for listening.
There are two kinds of vibes. One is the go ahead vibe, and that can sometimes be blurred by wanting to do the thing you are getting the vibe to go ahead and do. The DON'T vibe is usually dead on and when I do after being told don't, I usually regret it.
So, I spent the morning reworking, rescheduling but not minding it at all because I feel like I am where I'm supposed to be. Called Sue, she isn't sure what she's supposed to be doing, so I asked her to come here next weekend so we could sit in the backyard and watch the dogs and drink wine and talk about what we think it might be that we'd like to do. It's very convenient to have a dear friend who is as mixed up as I am.
So, I am going BACK to Houston to get a lap band fill, then will pick up an 11 year old dog in Dallas who needs a home. Take John for glasses on Saturday. John to Dr. on Monday. What else? Oh yeah, gotta clear out a bed for Sue.
A little more road time may help set my head right-it usually does. Road time with parents is different because there is talking, and it's good to share the road with them. But it's also good to go alone.
At this point in my midlife crisis I really have no map. And, it's a little frightening-when you don't know exactly what is wrong, it's very hard to know what to do. I would define depression as not being able to get out of bed and get moving at all. This fugue I'm in is different-I'm up and around, I just don't know where to go or what to do with myself.
I'm also being uncharacteristically cautious. Normal mode of operation is just do SOMETHING and see what shakes out. But right now I am content just to do what clearly needs doing and wait for a bigger picture. Is this wisdom or lack of nerve, or are both the same thing?