Sunday, September 16, 2007

Out of the Closet (secrets revealed)

The absolute truth is it is more like out of the clothing sack-the jeans haven't made it into the closet yet. But, out of the closet is a much better title.

Where to start? My name is Deb, and I'm wait. How odd that a clothing size would link in my mind to a support group. Anyway, I procrastinate. Hey, it's what I do best.

I reached a milestone of sorts in Conroe Texas at the Liz Claiborne Outlet at around noon last Friday. I actually tried on clothes in a dressing room for the first time in at least over 2 years. I love catalogues, I love Cato because I knew what size I wore-it was easy. Go in, grab, leave. Throw out the old, and done.

But losing weight, coupled with a desire to celebrate and a real need for some jeans all converged and put me in a dressing room with 2 possible sizes and an eons old dilemma. One size fit, but I'm losing weight, right? One size I could squeeze shut, and I looked like a sausage NOW, but I'm losing weight, right?

Both were the same price, no help, no sign from above. Just a fat woman who wants to be smaller. I thought about buying them both-really, the price was right.

I sat down in the dressing room and really really thought about it. For the first time ever that I can recall I chose NOW. The size that looked nice NOW. I celebrated the 18 pounds I have lost, not the 98 pounds I plan to lose. I celebrated the current accomplishment.

Now I chose a Size 20. Technically I am down 2 sizes because I thought my jeans were a 24 and it turns out they were a 22. Yeah, it's been awhile since I bought jeans.

I have never before revealed a current size in a non weight loss related forum. This is big stuff for me. It's hard to do and I'd really like to puke.

But, my heart is telling me that in order to have a different future, I have to do things differently. And, that includes being nice to myself in the present, not in the possibly slim future. Who knew being nice to yourself was so tough?

Apparently a lot of people. In a group therapy session as a teenager I had to sit an say thank you to compliments-only thank you. The only way I got through that horror was to tell myself "they don't really mean it".

But I really do mean it-I love these jeans, these size 20 right now fitting me jeans. And, I am really, humbly grateful that I could share an epiphany that didn't start out with "I was sitting on the toilet....."


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Mim said...

Congrads on the jeans and the decision making.

Debra Kay said...

Thanks. I make lots of decisions, but sticking to them is a tougher nut to crack.

This current cycle of self examination is frightening business.