Friday, December 14, 2007

Where the F is IF???

That was going to be my treat for the day-total immersion. Poxy pox pox on it all. How DARE the world stop turning when I need it to run smoothly?

I've procrastinated posting this, because I'm torturing myself with the idea of staying on for the weekend. Mom fears abandonment above all things, cranky folk often do. So, rather than go stick my head up my ass in a hotel, I will slog it out here facing what needs to be faced.

We've fallen in to an uneasy rhythm. I "sleep" during breakfast-food prep times are the worst here. Then I get up and try to suck down some soy milk with my coffee. I leave for "lunch" although today was nice-it's Friday and they eat out, so I got the whole house to myself. When they come back, I'll go do a few errands even if I have to make some up. I drink soup for dinner.

There is wisdom in running out when you need to, when enough is enough. But stretching yourself means learning when you can do more and doing it. Why move back to Oklahoma to face the truths about yourself and your family only to run off again?

Sometimes, you avoid a longer misery by taking on the short term misery. But MOST times, I supsect we really don't have internal wisdom or guidance, we just make a decision and stick with it. So, for now, I'm holding.

(You got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em........DAMN YOU KENNY ROGERS!!!!!!!!!!)


cally said...

linked here via daphne at puppychick (was telling her about biobulb, and energy efficient full spectrum bulb, perfect for artists and s.a.d. sufferers).

immediately got enthralled by this post as I am 4 days away from a family visit, the one I dread every year, the one where I try to sleep through the whole breakfast scenario where they try to force feed me wheat and dairy (which I can't eat, though I'd love to) and then have me slave for them for a few days whilst telling me what a bad person I am. While I remove the totally (like, 10yrs) out of date food from their freezer, while I try to walk the dog who they resent having any energy, but they equally resent h9im giving me an excuse to get out the house for half an hour. WAH. Families, they can be so tough, especially when times are hard and it would be SO nice if they were more like The Waltons or something unrealistic.

I continued back reading other posts and was so saddened to read of your snakes, your struggles to find warm kennels, your family dilemmas etc. But also encouraged to read how you are hanging in there in the face of it.

I'm glad you've felt able to post a bit about all these here on your blog, it suck when people obsess with the BIG picture (ie the fact that so many have been hit by what has happened) yet deny the very personal way it affects individual. Of course you were scared by the trees hitting your house. Gosh, I get terrified when we have a big wind and I think my windows will blow out (live in a mobile home). But to have trees crashing down, that is seriously frightening!

I may never stray this way again but I leave you with well wishes for maintaining your own sanity in very difficult circumstances. I'll be keeping you in mind next week each time I get ready to flee or crumple in despair.

Mim said...

IF this week is "Backwards". How appropriate is that in this week of going back to see family, back "home" - hopefully not backwards.
Take care of you, mim

Debra Kay said...

Cally, I hope you come back again. Familial terror is all too familiar to most of us. Mim-you are a dear!

Forever Young said...

you are like me a 'swan' on the outside and a 'headless chicken' on the inside. i recognise this in you and i really admire you for it. masks, masks, that's what it's all about my friend.

Debra Kay said...

No one has ever called me a swan before....