Wednesday, December 12, 2007

More more more

I took all the dogs to the kennel and came back here to my folks. If I can't hack it I will go to a motel. It's insane to freeze to death to save "face"-anyone's face. And, on a practical note, it would probably be less embarrassing to my folks to explain that I was at a motel than to have to haul my frozen ass out of the house.

I am nothing if not pragmatic.

The snakes are gone. In order that no one feel any misplaced guilt I told my parents that they were gone yesterday but they actually died more slowly, although not painfully. I kept checking on them and would have ended it immediately if there had been any pain. Only one who hurt at all was me, and I've tried to keep my crying to a minimum and carefully out of sight.

No, I'm not crawling up on a cross here. My grief would create tension for my parents who would then feel the need to attack ME for being sad-so it's pure survival at this point. And I say that without any rancor or with very little. My parents don't like snakes, hate them in fact, and I do. I can no more expect them to like them than they can expect me not to. So, snake grief is just something I keep to myself-I just never expected to get hit with such a load of it.

What's mildly annoying is that with all the news coverage of all the people in bad situations right now (this is a big time disaster), I get jumped on for any display of self pity on my part. Big time. The good news is, staying with my parents has freed me from the need for any form of self abuse-they are so good at it that I've decided to lighten up on myself for the duration.

Families suck sometimes. Because these people are not, I repeat, truly not, monsters. But they have no empathy whatsoever, the empathy button is just completely missing. Or maybe, they disconnected it to keep themselves sane a long time ago. Or, more likely, time and progressive dementia has disconnected it for them. Shit shit shit.

Sometimes it sucks to call a thing what it is. Denial is a warm tropical river, I'd like to go there now please.


ksklein said...

hi there,

i feel so sorry about your snakes and about your situation. hope you feel better soon.


Forever Young said...

i was devastated when i read your news this morning, i just cannot imagine how you must be feeling without your friendly snakes, who i know you adore (it doesn't matter what your family thinks of them,, it's YOU who cares about them!). omigod, it's a mess right now, all of it, so i won't make any trite comments about 'when you hit the bottom of the barrel, the only way is up!. my love and feelings are with you today.

Mim said...

Deb - I am so sorry about the snakes, really feel so bad for you with this situation. When able you will allow yourself to grieve for your pets, it's such an awful loss. You'll let us know if you need anything material when things calm down, and you know that your online friends are worried about you and sending as many good thoughts to you as could possibly help.

ksklein said...

I have to agree with ForeverYoung: It doesn´t matter if others didn´t care about your snakes. You did! And of course it is sad when they die and you can´t help them.
I hope you´ll find someone in your surrounding who feels with you.

Anonymous said...

What we do for others.

What we do for oursleves.

You seem to have the gift of clarity here...sucky though it may be, and I agree, it does suck...big time.
But, DK, I can't tell you how your story offers a healing insight for others..well,me anyway. Thank you

And then there's that warm tropical river you speak of ...ahhhh.

The snakes. I am sorry. So sad.

Debra Kay said...

Thanks again. I'm really ok compared to a lot of people, I'm warm, my dogs are warm, my parents and family are warm. So many people aren't today.

It's bizarre, because as a human, I want to think WHAT ABOUT ME, but then when I do, I feel guilty. Right now, it's better and easier to think about what I can do to help-others and myself.

Michele said...

You know what, I'm terrified of snakes and I still feel so awful about them dying and so sorry for you. I know how painful it has to be. I'm so sorry you are having to go through all of this.

Forever Young said...

to say 'why me'? is so human, to say 'what about me' is too. how you doing now?

Debra Kay said...

I'm doing Ok.