Thursday, March 27, 2008

When does it End?

The pain of loss, when it is over? I was really pleased with how I'm moving on in my life, making new strides, keeping a stiff upper lip, and today, reading about a clutch of new eggs, the pain of losing my snakes ripped through my heart with almost new vigor.

I've been talking about new breeding projects and I can most times I can look at new stock without crying. But today, all the unfulfilled possibilities of what I lost came over me again. I wasn't mourning the loss of the inviduals this time, it was the loss of what we would have created. 4 of my girls would have been bred to my beautiful mojave-2 of those girls I raised from little worms...

Every snake in my colony was handpicked for one trait or another, nothing was extra, nothing was wasted, only now it seems it was all a waste. All that time, all that money, all that caring.

Of course, it's only wasted if you don't learn from it and move on. But I feel I have, only the pain just won't go away. I didn't really realize how happy I was with the snakes and how much of ME I had invested in them.

Yet, when I try to look at new ones, my heart breaks all over again. Is it guilt? Am I blaming myself? Well, sure, it WAS my fault. I should have had back up heat in Oklahoma. Now I do. But I just can't move forward.

Grief is just the weirdest thing. The more you try to wrap your head around it the worse it gets, yet letting it be doesn't help much either.

Yet, it does end. I've had other losses I no longer grieve over in an active, really hurts right now way. I think the difference must be that they have no relevance in the present moment. Now is when there would have been eggs-so maybe that is what is bringing the loss forward into the present.

Ahh, I see now. I'm keeping the grief alive by projecting a future that cannot be. I really am the one bringing it into the current time. I really do have to let go, and leave my darlings in the past.


Forever Young said...

debs this gives me such a lump in my throat. altho i have no love (or even like) for snakes, i was bereft when this awful tragedy occurred last year, i used to think about it in bed, and i couldn't stop thinking of losing one's whole family, so you bring it back for me too. be strong, and i do know with grief, time does (eventually) heal it, leaving less and less pain that hurts like hell. peace and comfort to you and a blessing sent to bette snake(my favourite).

Mim said...

Oh Deb...

Debra Kay said...

I appreciate your thoughts. I cried for a couple of hours, just grieving. Then I realized, I was letting the past color my future. There is no reason why I can't have another snake other than I won't let myself. So I have three coming next week.

Sometimes, it's easier to move past things if there is financial reason, etc. When it's just FEAR, and it fear of the unknown and the unnamed and that is all that's stopping you-that's the hardest fear to overcome.

I don't think my new kids will ease the past, but they will help me enjoy the present.

I'm not telling anyone here about the snakes. They were always cause for great speculation from the neighbors, and I want to be able to enjoy them on my own terms without explaining WHY I enjoy them all the time.

When people start wanting to bring their grandkids over to hoop and holler over your pets it's time to put a lid on things.

I'm getting a better sense of what boundaries work for me. So, I'll be a "closet" snake keeper...LOL.

Debra Kay said...

It's Ok Mim, I'm moving on now. I'm just surprised at how long it's taken me.