Wednesday, August 29, 2007

WHAT year is this?

Why is it when families get together we all enter a time warp and go back to some former life/self. Today's time warp left me feeling about 13 years old again. Nothing I could say or do could make an positive comment come out of either parent's mouth-and I was just telling them what I had done the night before, decisions I had made. It makes me want to run screaming-but where to?

It is really hard sharing day to day activities with people. I'm not used to it. A little more than a year ago I was by myself in Dallas doing what I damn well pleased any time it pleased me. Now I'm tackling this whole family thing again, and it hasn't ever worked out well in the past.

For instance, I feel bad because Daddy doesn't think I picked the right carport company. I really do. But it isn't that, it's how he said it-those unsaid "gosh, you're really stupids"....How old do you get to be before you no longer want parental approval?

I don't even really want approval-I'd rather be ignored quite frankly. Or better yet, a simple "oh, I bet that will look nice." Why, oh why does my carport have to be a right/wrong thing?

When I lived in Dallas, there was enough distance. Did I make a huge huge mistake in moving so close? Yet, dammit, that decision was based upon the fact that I liked this house AND they liked it-hell, Daddy found it for me.

I was going to say I can't win, but this isn't war. I don't need approval, but I do think I need a little respect and some courtesy.

Today was long and the injuries and jabs numerous-so it's not just about the carport. But, I almost didn't GET a carport because I didn't want what Daddy had and I knew that it would be an issue if I did something different. And, troublemaker that I am, I decided that I would put the carport I wanted on my own house with my own money.

Why do I care? Well, because they are my parents and I love them and I want them to love and approve of me in some shape or form. And, I don't want to think that my presence is causing them to be unhappy. Frankly, they are pretty unhappy anyway, so I don't think I'm making it worse.

But, I really do feel the same way I did when I was young and dreaming of being a jockey or a horse shoer (farrier). And, in a round about way, I've been and done a lot of things, some of them pretty damn fabulous. Maybe I should watch On Golden Pond and see how Jane and Henry handled it.

Yeah yeah I'm not alone. If they make major motion pictures about family bonds and tensions, I'm sure I'm not alone. And somehow that comforts me. Not much, but a little.

I'm going to run away from it all now-soak my feet again, put on a comfie nightie and not think about it. The nice thing about being older is we really don't have to run out the door to run away and no drugs will be involved either.

Yeah Baby I'm going to drop in the tub and drop out of society. Me and my mustard bath (Mom calls it my voodoo powder) are going to turn on and tune out. Peace, Love.


Michele said...

Sadly, I don't think we ever stop wanting our parents' approval, which makes it really tough as we get older. It creates a lot of conflict. I'm sure you moved back for many reasons ... some you realized and some you'll discover in time. Maybe this is a good learning/growing experience for you ... a chance for you to teach your parents to respect your decisions. Try to hang in there and enjoy your new life. I know things will only get better for you.

Debra Kay said...

Yeah-combine our need for approval with their declining mental capacity (less tact, more impatience) and it can be just a merry old time.

I'm taking a break today-Bill is working with Daddy on the railing for the porch (bless him) so I'm staying home to focus on my stuff I need to do. I'll go by later for a visit-I'm not sulking, but I just am not up for an extended throw down like yesterday.

The thing is, when I worked, they were very respectful of my job...don't want to bother you, must be tired...But why do I need a corporation behind me to create that respect? AAAAGh. I told Sue yesterday I am trapped between corporate american and my parents....and too bad, so sad, I'm not budging.