Tuesday, June 30, 2009

KMAT-Ho Ho Ho (really tasteless off color today)

A very special kiss my ass goes out to Hobby Lobby-they at this moment have Thanksgiving and Christmas Decorations for sale. Give me a break and KMA too! I'm trying to cope with a family cook out next week-and you want me to think about THE Holidays? I never finished the horse Christmas tree I was making last year-I don't even know where it is at the moment-KMA!

Oops, I forgot to add my ass to the post. Wait a minute.

THERE-NOW Kiss My Ass Hobby Lobby.

Kiss My Ass Enzyte Commercials. On one hand, I do enjoy the idea that some insecure man might be made to feel uncomfortable or inadequate. Yes, that IS mean-but ladies, how many times has an add or a commercial made you feel less than? So, I do enjoy the justice part, but the whole thing with the office ladies lined up to sit on Smilin Bob's lap because he has a big dick......that kind of negates the justice part. I don't want to see commercials about big dongs, douches, or toenail fungus, mucus....Kiss My Ass all of you gross commercials.

In the spirit of the holidays-KISS MY ASS Firecracker Poppers who Pop after 10 pm.  Kiss my ass and by the way you are stupid.....because I am far more likely to call in and complain after 10 pm than BEFORE.  Pop your firecrackers, but if you set off those damn pop bottle rockets I'm gonna find you and shove one up your ass.  Yes, moron, burn your own house down, not mine.

Yeah yeah, I was a kid once, but really, REALLY people-burning down your neighbor's house is just a sucky way to celebrate a holiday, don't you think?  That is second only to the morons who still shoot a gun straight up in the air at midnight on New Year's Eve.   Yeah, live ammo. 

 How the South is ever going to rise again with such genius in the gene pool is beyond me, but I can take comfort in the fact that it probably won't.

Now-back to gross stuff.  I hate to say it, but Animal Planet, Kiss My ASS for your new series about parasites.  I can't even stand to watch the commercial.  (Yes, they are parasites that invade humans).  

And speaking of parasites, TLC, Kiss My Ass for your oh so Tasteful program of John and Kate, the 1st 10 years.  This whole low budget reality TV thing has just hit a new low.  What ever happened to imagination and story telling?  Well, the story telling is still there I suppose, because what is depicted is not real.  REAL divorces don't make for pleasant TV viewing.  So, KISS MY ASS (unless you show Kate running off with smiling Bob and leaving the kids with John, for the new series John, No Kate, Must Masturbate).

That was kind of low, even for me.  I may have to tell my own self to Kiss My Ass.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Almost Eggplant!

I think one of my eggplants is just about ready.  My FIRST ever eggplant, grown in my garden by moi!  I gave Mom my first squash and cucumber, but dang it, I'm eating the first eggplant.  How?  Eggplant lasagna?  Baba Ganoush?  Perhaps a lightly breaded something something?  CURRIED EGGPLANT?  (I don't know, my curry plant is a bit peaked, but maybe it could spare a bit).

The planning of the ceremonial eggplant feast is almost as much fun as the feasting.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Good Luck Beach

Yesterday Beach Avenue went to his forever home. The adopter were approved, and they came to the adoption event to pick out THE one. It turned out be be Beach. Beach had recently suffered a set back-he had to have part of his tail amputated, so I was really glad he was the one for them. Inga, their other dog, a greyhound/deerhound mix, fell absolutely in love with him, and honestly, he was smitten too. He left without looking back.

We, the left behind, cried tears of happiness and some sadness too. His leaving means he has a forever home, and another dog can come into the program, but it also means I won't get to sit and pet him next month.

Unfortunately, there are always more to pet. This is Tipp Toby, my current favorite. We almost fell asleep (well he DID fall asleep). I was leaning most unladylike out of my chair, rubbing his side and we just kind of relaxed and dozed. For a grey, he's very food motivated and would be a breeze to train. I am a sucker for a trainable dog.

Greys are the perfect couch potatoes, they do need to run, but they are sprinters, not marathon runners (like salukis) so a morning romp means about 20 hours of nap time. A retired track dog is almost always kennel trained and has impeccable manners.

For a big dog, they are surprisingly not doofy or clumsy in the house. After Molly gets her therapy dog certification (and gets over being a snotty teenager) we'll probably be bringing one home to partner with her on her therapy work. (My other dogs are too ME focused to be good therapy dogs).

I would encourage anyone who is interested in owning a dog to consider these gentle, graceful animals.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Rare Current Events Commentary

Wow-lots going on, and yes, I have opinions.

Farrah-so sad. I remember being 20 pounds overweight working as a cashier at TG&Y (a 5 and dime) and having to look at that stupid poster every day and knowing I would never look like that. Now we are more savvy (hah) and know those media images cannot be lived up to by normal people-OK, at least I AM more savvy. Lots of plastic surgery going on in the heartland these days, housewives transforming themselves into trophy wives. But, I never hated Farrah, and I doubt she would have been thrilled to know that poster made me hate myself. Life is so very NOT cut and dried, and to hate her for the poster would, in my opinion, make me as guilty as the media moguls who marketed it. She was much more-a real live human being with hopes, dreams and flaws. And in the end, she wasted away to nothing due to a hideous disease. Beauty is no shield, and I'm sure it had it's challenges too. And a big part of that beauty was the genuine spirit behind that smile-that cannot be faked. I am surprisingly deeply moved by her passing. Media images aside, she did play a part in making me who I am today, and her courageous (ugh, I wasn't going use that word) examination of cancer and what it means to die was an important thing for we, as a nation to see, because we've hidden our illness and old age for too long. Fly free dear angel.

Michael Jackson. Wow. TMZ is saying he's dead. DEAD. Boom, heart attack at 50. Oh mortal coils hitting hard today. As disgusted as I was with his behavior, I always believed (this is going to sound strange) that he was truly and legitimately fucked up and not attention seeking for attention's sake. And understanding that helped me understand and forgive other fucked up people in my life, realizing their action were harmful and hurtful, but I was collateral damage, not a target. Well, that, and I am a sucker for such undeniable talent. And, what a cautionary tale for brilliance being no substitute for mental health. That is a lesson that has lurked in my head and maybe kept me from being really and truly fucked up too.

Jon and Kate-get out of the public eye and don't drag those kids through a divorce for our entertainment and your enrichment. Exploitation is an ugly thing, and I hope and pray that we as a nation don't participate and approve of it with our viewing and advertising dollars. I flinch every time I see the Kate haircut on one of those super mom wanna be's....guess those media images are still all powerful.

Finally-to all politicians-we ALL make choices. If you are going to choose a public life, perhaps you should also choose to be faithful as well. Dragging a family through a public infidelity (hmmm, Jon and Kate, maybe you should read this) seems somehow much more cruel than a run of the mill scoundrel. Now, I'm not a public person, but I have had entanglements, and I always was up front and broke one off before pursuing another. It's terribly uncomfortable-people cry and get mad and it's messy. But it's NOTHING like what happens when you do it the other way, in public. I don't think we choose to fall in and out of love, but we can choose to behave in an honorable way. If the new love is not to be denied (and I can buy that) at least be honest to the old one out of respect for what was. Shit, it's not that hard. Really.

Thursday 13 Things I want to work on

1. I'm working up to having more ambition-I'm still pretty lazy.

2. Molly and Moon need to be worked on a regular basis. Molly did great in her class Tuesday, Moon starts his next month. They both should be superstars-and they can be if I work them.

3. Casper needs his work out stepped up too. He was a pasture ornament for years, I got him moved a couple of months ago and got very sick-so I still haven't ridden him and I had to start back at square one last week. By the end of the month he'll be under saddle and ready for the trainer. (It's been a long time since I trained a horse, but so far it's all been common sense).

4. My cooking skills are improving-I've set a goal to enter three recipes in three different contests in the next few months. I've been working on them over the past few weeks. It's a way to move out of my comfort zone. Yes, snakes, no problem, cooking scares me.

5. I want to work on friendships more than I have-I haven't been as good a friend to anyone as I'd like to be. I know I've been ill but I'm not ill any more and there is work to be done!

6. I am going to set aside an hour each day to write-or at least stare at the screen while I think about writing.

7. I'd like to work on remembering that I don't have to get it all done today-progress is what counts, not perfection.

8. I'd like to get back the upper body I had going before I got really sick. That was largely a result of the horse work I was doing-so number 3 is going to help that. Grooming a horse is the only thing I've ever done that seemed to make a difference in my arms.

9. I'd like to take some sort of art class by the end of the year.

10. I'm going to compost and prepare the garden for a fall crop (and research the timing of said crop.....).

11. I'd like Molly to have her Canine Good Citizen and Therapy Dog certifications by the end of the year. Not setting any goals for Moon dog-agility is physical as well as mental, and I don't want him pushed too hard.

12. I'd like to KILL KILL KILL the grass in my rock garden once and for all and GROW GROW GROW the grass on the bald spots in my lawn. (remember die die monkeygrass?)

13. I'd like to contribute more to the world-just not sure how.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

HAW-let the good times roll

Helllllloooooooo! I KNEW something was up when the woman put me into my little night cage. (Wow, that one python really got BIG-glad he's locked in). But, I got a nice surprise the next morning-she'd cleaned my big cage and moved it out to the sunroom, she says "for the summer". I like it out there-it's warm (that woman keeps the house cold in the summer, silly) and I can fuss at the Moon and his friends.

THEN I saw it-the MOLLY was playing in a big tub of water, bigger bigger bigger than anything I ever had. Hmph. So, the woman got the mister bottle and I got lots of squirt squirt squirts. I was wet and warm and so happy-but I think she should move the dogs out of the sunroom so I can have a big pool like the Molly has.

Don't worry, I still have my stand in the living room so I can get my daily dose of toddler tunes. I can see the parakeets too-but the woman decided they are too small (the woman calls them "inviting targets") so they just got to move closer to the window. They pretty much live in their own little world, focusing on each other. BORING. BORING. BORING.

I like "the summer". It seems like a very good idea, maybe they thought of it just for ME ME ME.....Mister Birdy,Birdy Bird!


NOTE from the Woman: I gave Oliver a big bowl of water to swim in and instead he dumped it on the dog's head. But, I will say, he thoroughly enjoyed that dunking-the dog, well, he got over it.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009


Hmmm, I suck at being consistent these past weeks-oh well, Kiss My Ass. I'm here, today, right now, ready to tell the world to pucker up. The line forms at the rear.

Plumbing problems can KISS MY ASS. My sink was backed up for three days, and the day before the plumber shows up it clears. I'm sure it had something to do with the four bottles of Liquid Plumber I poured down it, but STILL. Kiss My Ass and take that-I had him root the drain anyway so I'd know it was clear all the way through.

Giant Horseflies that bruise and draw blood-Kiss My Ass and GO AWAY. I spray the horse and they come for me-so I've started spraying my jeans too.

Joy killers- oh kiss my ass, seriously. If someone is happy about something, and you don't understand it, just nod and say "how nice". The truth is, you'll probably never understand it and you don't NEED to understand it or approve of it. You DO understand that they are happy, right? That's all you need to know. If you don't have to pay for it, or clean up after it-just fucking be happy too.

In the same category is Nosey Neighbors. Kiss My Ass. If I get something big in a box-WHY do you need to know what is in that box, where I got it, what I am going to do with it? I don't know why this irritates me so. It's an okie thing. In Dallas I could drag a dead body across the lawn and no one would have commented on it unless it started stinking up the place.

I guess I want the warmth of Oklahoma with the complete anonymity of Dallas. Not likely to happen.

Monday morning's exchange:

Nosey Neighbor "Oh, what did you get, a dryer?"

Me (not sure where the dryer came from) "No, a chest freezer"

Nosey Neighbor "What are you going to put in it?"

Me (wanting to say "A body")" Stuff I want to freeze."

REALLY-what kind of question is THAT? AAAAAAAAAAAAGH

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Six Word Saturday

Crafts, cleaning, dogs, horse, birds, bliss.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Thursday 13-Things I Enjoy

1. I love the smell of horses.

2. I really enjoy rose moss. In the morning the flowers are closed up tight, but by noon, the bright flowers are shining for the world to see-then at night, they close back up again.

3. Videlia onions-I can't get enough of them these days. Roasted, with a few cloves of garlic.

4. I like the throaty sound of my new car (Mustang) and the retro dash. A blast from the past.

5. I really dig picking herbs from my garden and cooking with them immediately.

6. I enjoy watering the lawn (even my bald spot) in the morning. I like the sound of the water and the smell of the wet grass.

7. I like the smell of freshly done laundry.

8. I like rocks. They fascinate me-some of them have layers that tell stories, others tell their stories with the chunks that are missing from them.

9. Water. Bath water, river water, lake water, ocean water, rain water, water in a bottle-I love it all (which is probably why I like watering the lawn-see number 6).

10. I like the feel of freshly shaved legs. It's like losing a quick 10 pounds.

11. I like really old, ugly lamps. If those lamps could talk, I bet they'd have tales to tell.

12. I adore the sound of rain at night, and I love listening to thunderstorms roll in. Thunder echoing down a river is sublime.

13. I love the sounds of 3 a.m.-I feel like the night's muffled noises are just for me.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

HAW-I'm rollin in CRAPS!

Oh yes yes yes-the woman got a bag of purple craps and I've been eating craps craps craps apple apple APPLE and something called a cashew. I love cashews, but she doles them out one by one-said I'll become fat if I eat too many.

When she opened the white box today I saw a jar of egg yolks in there-so I bet those will be coming soon-egg egg egg!

Yesterday morning the Prissy woke up to early and was whining. I told her QUIET PRISSY! and I heard the woman giggle. I don't see what's so funny-there are rules to follow. I wake up first and I announce when it's time for everyone to get up. First I have to warm up with words I'm practicing on, then I holler at the kitty and mock her a bit. Prissy is supposed to just wait quietly till the woman comes.

When the Prissy wouldn't be quiet, I mocked her too-whine whine whine....THAT shut her up fast. She really hates it that I can talk like a human and a bird and a dog too (and a cat, and a phone and well, anything). Jealous. She's jealous. And she doesn't get craps either. HAH-only Mister Bird gets good good craps.

Oh-the woman got something out of the fridge and she said it was an OLIVE! Isn't that funny they'd name a food after me me me?

Happy Animal Wednesday! Oh, the woman said she got something called a Mustang, but will wait to show pictures of it later. IT's MY DAY-ME ME ME. Mister Birdy Birdy Bird. HAW!

Friday, June 12, 2009


I'm so over apples. It's Oliver's new favorite thing and he talks about it all day long. APPLE. OOOOOOH Apple. Good Apple. YESSSSSSSS, Apple.

Only, he asks for Apple when he wants ice. So, we are working ICE-which should be easy to say, but I'm not a bird, so what do I know.

Right now Apples and Crap Juice and ice cubes are IN. Peanuts are out. Roasted Carrots-IN. Raw Carrots-OUT. Seeds will only be consumed if I leave town for a few days and am unavailable to provide fresh food. Pignolias, once a prize, are so/so-SO, I put them away until they are new again because they are too expensive to waste on so/so.

Almonds in the food cup-OUT. Almonds selected from a tin-IN. Dried corn out-but I bet if I bought some fresh on the cobb-it would be a big hit.

I'm sure we could raise an extremely healthy small human on what ends up at the bottom of the bird cage. I really should get some kind of rodent and feed it Oliver's leftovers. I would get a rabbit if I could work out a dog safe corral for it. I kept rabbits for awhile in Dallas, but I hated having them in a hutch-it didn't look like any kind of life at all.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Thursday 13

I'm just going to put up 13 gratitudes today.

1. I am so glad to be able to enjoy the texture of semi solid food again. Roast onions, roasted carrots. Broth is nice, but the actual chewing of a vegetable is beyond compare.

2. Goats-I'm grateful for all the little goats out there making goat cheese (another semisoft food).

3. Parrots-and one in particular, fill my life with incredible sounds and a crazy laughter that can never be silenced.

4. Medical science is high on my list this week-just one week ago my stomach was up in my throat-today I'm walking around and eating and drinking with a few holes in my belly that are healing quickly. Amazing! Truly amazing.

5. My blog friends-I am so grateful for each and every one of you. Every person is a treasure, a rare being that glistens across time and space. I close my eyes and I can see you all sparkle.

6. The improving health of my father-we had quite a scare this past week. It could have been worse, a dermatologist prescribed something she shouldn't have-but we got it fixed and he is improving rapidly. Sooooo grateful am I for that.

7. I was able to pick my first cukes and give them to my Mom this past week. Garden vegetables make her happy, and she needed those this past week. I am so grateful for my garden.

8. Sonny, who can be a handful at times (he's the big python) was a perfect angel during the worst of my illness. What a good boy-thank you very much.

9. Nightbirds. I'm in the burbs and there are streetlights, and during the summer, birds sing all night long. I'm never alone, even now, at 4 am. Thank you for your gentle song.

10. The rain. We had a lovely thunderstorm today-not damaging, no hail, just sweet honest rain. Sometimes we all need a little sweet honest rain.

11. Hope. I seem to have a never ending supply of the stuff, and I am very grateful for how it plays on my life. I don't know how people get along without it.

12. My brain. It gets me into trouble a lot, and sometimes I wish it would back off a bit, but it also gets me out of scrapes and helps make life interesting. 12.1 would be Prozac, which helps me live with my brain....hah.

13. Love. It's all around. Can you feel it? There for the having-we are all so blessed.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

HAW-Betcha Thought I wasn't going to make it

No No NOOOOOOO-never fear, Mister BIRD is here!
Lots going on-the Prissy has come back, as has the Greta and the Cody. I am so glad, I was so tired of that boring woman although she has been bringing me fresh spinach and egg egg egg!!!!!

And ICE ICE ICE-yes, I get an ice cube every day now. Oh oh oh! Good ice good ice!

She tells me parrots are not supposed to have avocados-so I wonder why she bought one. She eats it-it looks mushy and I don't think I'd like it very much anyway. Still, I don't care for things that we can't share.

She asked me to tell you all hello hello hello and not to worry-she's getting a bit stronger each day. It's probably the avocados that she won't share. I mean, really, doesn't that sound like a STORY to you?

The Prissy got a tummy ache while she was gone and has to take medicine twice a day-THAT's pretty funny. She hates it. The woman says if I'm not nice she'll give me a dose via enema. I don't know what an enema is, but from her tone, I think it's not a good thing.


Sunday, June 7, 2009

Summon the Silence

Remember, you can summon the silence
It awaits your command
The world may not always listen
But silence is always at hand

Let the world fall away
Breathe in serenity's sound
Wherever you are walkng
That too is hallowed ground.

May you all enjoy a silent moment today, my dear, dear friends. I love your comments, your thoughts and wishes, cards, but most of all, I love each and every one of you. You have helped me summon my own silence again, and I thank you.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Six Word Saturday

Shit I can't get a grip

Wild Ride

It's been a topsy turvy week-physically and mentally. Falling a lot prior to surgery due to weakness and lack of potassium. Trying to balance what I need vs. what my parents need to feel involved, etc. Messing up, figuring it out again, getting up.

Elderly people can only take so much change and stress before they crack, and I gave up fighting Mom on certain issues like coming to the hospital, going back to their house, etc. just because it seemed easier on everyone to give in. Bad mistake. When I figured out the right action to take, I tossed my stuff in a bag and came home at 2 am.....leaving a very nice thank you note on the bed. That action seemed to set everything right-they've relaxed, I can sleep and heal.

So, the lesson here is, if you just give on cause it's easier, you are still going to have to clean a bigger mess eventually-there is no time off from that rule for any reason.

I was so glad to be home to my birds and my things and my computer-and so grateful to swallow water and keep it down-and to pee without doubling over and to stand without crashing down and getting another bruise. Hey look, I'm walking-hey look, I can water the garden!

Gory details-BIG prolapse of stomach into esophagus-no wonder. Small prolapse of stomach into lapband, likely from gagging on the stomach in my throat. No lasting damage (can you believe it?) Got everything untucked, the band repositioned, and the hernia repaired.

And here's the the thing-that dreaded hernia repair felt like a sore throat. I'm usually not a wimpy wimp, so I can only conclude that I needed this experience which is why I feared that hernia repair like nothing I've ever feared before.

I've been resting, preparing healing broths from my garden, and thinking about you guys a lot. More later.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Home and Srange?

I'm home and I'm gettng comments on a post 2 weeks ago. Are you guys playing a joke on me?

All is well, although not without adventure. More later.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

HAW-The House Is MINE today

That woman left really early today to have surgery-said she'd be back tomorrow and I could listen to Toddler Tunes the entire time ------WHEEEEE I'm the Big BOSS BIRD. The Big Boss Bird with some pignolias and peanuts and (bleh) some regular bird food.

Last week she hurt my feelings. I was working on some words and I don't like to be talked to when I'm doing that. She thought I said "Want some fish?" and laughed out loud and asked what that was about. When I got sad, she realized I had been trying to say "Want a peach?" and I know she felt bad, but I felt bad too. YOU try talking with a beak and see how easy it is.

I got extra toddler tune time for that.

I hope this hospital thing does what it needs to do-she's been a boring ball of blah lately. I even miss the slimdogs. Not the sharpest beings, but at least they move around an amuse me and make noise. SHE doesn't-she just pukes and whines and wobbles around.

I keep her confused by calling the parakeets "Fred". When they get rowdy I say "HEY FRED, QUIET". I pretty much keep everyone confused by calling the parakeets Fred. That's why I do it.

Sometimes they try to challenge me to a noise duel. I let them play for a bit, making bird noises. But not for long, not me me me. I puke, fart, belch and sing and flap my wingy wingy wings! AAAAAAAAAH! Yes, that's what I do do do! Hah hah HAW HAW HAW!

I win win win again! Happy Animal Wednesday!

PS-When the woman gets back she says we are going to have to drink a lot of crap juice-so finally things are looking my way! HAW.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009


I'm going to post my ass up and let you fill in the blanks. Vent away but don't fart too near flames.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Leaving it to Oliver and My Ass!

Got a few things in the que-but will be on hiatal hernia hiatus (oh, that's a good one) till I get back. Surgery Wed. morning-not sure when I'll get out of hospital, but staying at least a night at the folks after that.

I'm ready to do this-and glad it's almost over. I realize there are worst things in the world, but this has been long, painful and annoying. I've fallen a couple of times and my ass looks like it's been whacked on by a couple of linebackers. It would make a good KMAT ass-but I just can't bring myself to do it.