KMAT-A photo reprisal and song

SHUD AULD ACQUAINTANCE BE FORGOT

AND MEMORIES BE BLIND

SHUD IRRITATIONS RISE AND SAUGHT

KISS MY ASS AND YOU KISS MINE

FOR AULD BITTER WHINE M'DEAR

FOR AULD BITTER WHINE............

WE'LL WHINE AND BITCH ONE MORE LAST TIME

KISS MY ASS, AND YOU KISS MINE...........

Cue:background music

And so ends KMAT 2009.  Adieu and farewell-I'm done with it.  Look for something new in 2010.

I just reread this and it wasn't clear-I AM done with 2009, but I'm also done with regular KMA postings.  It's hard to due cranky on schedule...and maybe not a good idea anway.

KMA-All you Cottonpickers

This came in a package from Lolo-isn't it perfect?  I never picked cotton, but my mother did and my brother did and my Daddy died young-Workin in the Coal mines.  Ah, Country Western Music.  Even mentions Oklahoma, go figure.

Next week I guess we'll do a mandatory KMA 2009, not sure where to go this week since it's Christmas and Hanukah and Kwanza  and all that.  Don't get me wrong, it's all good, but enforced merriment, yeah, Kiss My Ass.  Fake it till you Make it-kiss my ass too-that pretty much only works when you feel up to faking it.

Two reverses required (I'll be glad when that's over by the way).  These are suggestions-if someone you know is struggling, take the time to listen, or say I hope you feel better soon if you don't have much time, but don't do that dismissive "Oh come on, it's the holidays" which we all know really means "I'm really busy right now and I don't have time for your issues".  Ok, that was one.

Two-Be kind to yourself too.  If you can't do it all, do what you can as best you can and kick back.  You are not responsible for the entire holiday experience for the entire world.

Ok, Reverse kisses kiss my ass-that's it, we are done-it's too much trouble and it messes with my ass kissing groove.  I feel better already.

Grumpy holiday drivers-kiss my ass.  If I signal and want to turn, and you have to slow down while I do it-FINE.  I don't give a shit if it slows you by .25 seconds.  Your destination is really not that important to me-hello-I'm headed to MY destination.

Sugar kiss my ass don't go away I need you I want you I love you I'm not an addict it's a lie.....Ok, I'm sure you get my drift.

People who make themselves crazy trying to even up the gifts-kiss my ass and give yourself a break.  I have to fight the urge to do that still and to this day.  Do you go by number of gifts, amount of dollars, quality of gift to you to the recipient.  Really, needless gift accounting-kiss my ass.  I wish one day to be free of gifting only during the month of December and birthdays.

Special shout out to those who say "I don't GIVE GIFTS, I don't WANT gifts" then they do.  Kiss my ass, I don't know what to do with you.  I really don't.

I'm kind of done for today.  I'm not really over excited or angry about anything-faking indignation can kiss my ass too!

KMAT-Lighten up Folks (Irreverent Religious humor warning)

I'm not sure if people are counting down to Christmas or Armageddon.  Why so serious?  Slap what food you have on the table, prepare it with love hand out the presents you have with love and stop with all the worry.  I feel the same way about Chanukah, but that has already started to the countdown reference wouldn't work.  People who take the presentry and pageantry too seriously, Kiss My Ass.  Reverse kiss-it is good that you care about your loved ones, and I recognize that that is part of where the stress is coming from-but your loved ones won't care what you do if you do it with love, and the ones who do care, well, you will never make THEM happy anyway.

The only worse Holiday for one up manship and trying to make people feel bad is Valentine's day.  This year I want someone to ask me what I got for Valentine's day-I'm gong to say "not a fucking thing, no one loves me, what did YOU get?"  (Please, someone remember to ask me).  I digressed didn't I?

This reverse kiss is hard.  I'm glad I don't have to keep it up much longer.

Here's one-I LIKE FRUITCAKE.  If you don't, Kiss My Ass (and send me your unwanted fruitcake for a reverse kiss).  No really, don't.  I don't need it sitting around saying 'eat me, it's the holidays'.  Calories can kiss my ass-they already end up there anyway, it won't be much of a stretch.  (Reverse, we need them to live, yeah yeah, we are lucky to worry about losing weight instead of starving...)

All this vent then reverse is making me dizzy and cranky.  KISS MY ASS Reverse Kiss.....Kiss Reverse ASS MY KISS  (is that a reverse kiss or a mirror kiss)?  I think I need to go puke now.

KMA-BBRRRRR Cold

I don't care for the cold, and I'm trying to foster a better attitude, but really, KISS MY ASS.  By better attitude, I am venturing out in it-and I sometimes even wear a coat, hat and gloves.  But my knees still hurt and ache and creak-KISS MY ASS.

OK, Reverse ass kissing now-Cold kills the insects.  yay!  Aching knees, well, at least I have knees-really, yay on that, I'm glad I do.

The weather sites (several) are predicting gale force winds later this week.  Gale force winds-Kiss My Ass.  Reverse kiss-wow, that's tough, let me think.  OH, I have one-when the wind blows the temps don't fall as much (but it feels colder).  That's kind a neutral event on the ol' ass kissometer.  I KNOW-maybe it will blow down the weak branches before the next ice storm-saving us all from the dreaded power outage.  Really, that's the best I got for gale force winds.

What's rubbing you the wrong way, and then the right way this week?  Remember, during December, we have to do both a kiss and a reverse kiss.  That sounds so school marm-like.  Tuff shit-it's my blog-don't like it?  Kiss my ass!  Reverse kiss-don't like it-suffer anyway-it will increase your good karma.

KMAT-Whoever painted a Target on my Mustang

Crap on a Cracker and KMA-two wrecks in one day.  A new record.  I'm going to have to do the insurance thing, and the paint job thing and what a PITA that is.   Black Friday holds new meaning for me now.  Neither was my fault, Mustang hurt slightly, me a little sore, Molly who was in the first one is fine.  But, SERIOUSLY?  Kiss My Ass.

One Holiday Event Down, More to Go.  Oh wait, I'm supposed to be fostering a good attitude.  Ok, in that case ANTI Kiss MY ASS-meaning good vibes are going out into the world.  Hey, it's my blog, I can make the rules.  Reverse Ass Kissing is allowed.

So, for the entire Month of December, if you want to complain you have to do it along with a reverse kiss as well.  Bitch away, then suck it up and say something nice, even if it's just a random niceness.

So-long store lines-Kiss My Ass.  Reverse Kiss-glad I have money to shop.

Don't like the rules-Kiss My Ass.  Reverse Kiss-glad you stopped by.

KMAT-Spay and neuter your dogs people

I've seen the dogs in my neighborhood-very few are breeding stock by any stretch of the imagination.  Your female, who you don't intend breed, in heat, causes all kinds of chaos in the dog community at large-even in my pack of neutered males.

Your males are jumping fences and getting into fights.  Neuter them dammit.

You can go to one of the many low cost clinics-if you don't have time and 5 dollars to drop your dog off and pick it up-you don't need a dog.  Oh, yeah, they have to be vaccinated.  Can't keep up with that either?  You don't need a dog.  Disagree?  Kiss MY ASS.

Pets are not rights, they are responsibilities.  As an adult, what are you teaching your kids about responsibility if you don't take proper care of a pet?  Learning experience my ASS.  At least for learning the right lessons.  How is teaching your child to abandon an animal to the backyard and ignore its basic needs teaching your child anything about what he/she needs to learn to grow up to be a decent person.  Disagree?  Kiss My Ass.

KMAT-Aging and Creepy Mailing Lists

Today is my birthday-I'm 49.  SHIT.  Kiss My ASS.  How did that happen?  I dunno.

Anyway, I'm on what may be the creepiest mailing list ever-the list of people who have dead loved ones that R****haven has buried somewhere.  Periodically they send me notices for general memorial services in case I just want to go sit around with other people who have dead loved ones they (R-haven) has planted.

In today's flyer was an order form for holiday wreaths.  I cracked up.  John didn't like holiday decorations in his house or later his rooms, I doubt he'd want a red wreath dangling from his tombstone.  For one thing-it isn't allowed in the military cemetery....if I snuck one in-well, I won't.  CREEPY HOLIDAY MARKETING-KISS MY ASS.  I can't believe business is so slow they'd have to drum up business from former customers.  Ewwwww.   Ewwwww! KMA.

KMAT-Going in to the store for one thing and coming out with more

Sunday, I went to Bed Bath and Beyond to buy some more Copco mugs that resemble Starbuck mugs. Starbucks has a glass version-but really SB, WHO carries glass in their car?  But, I love the whole lid thing-because yes, I'm a spiller of epic proportions, combine that with birds flying, dogs a barking, old people-and yes, lids are a good idea.

What the hell was I talking about?  Needless segues that take on a life of their own, KMA.

So, two hours later, I roll out of the store with a Mustang Back seat LOAD.  Yes, it's true, I had been intending to buy a new pillow and a bed wedge, and a small humidifier for my bedroom.  I needed the random serving dishes and I had been looking for a little melon baller spoon to make Prozac meatballs for Moon.  I've been moaning about wine going bad, so I bought a new-fangled stopper that is supposed to do the trick.  So, three hundred and lots dollars later, I roll out with my cups.  KISS MY ASS.

I was so annoyed with myself I went to Pier One to pick up little spoons they left out of my sack last week and I said "To HELL with it"  and bought the trays I needed for Thanksgiving and the wine glasses I needed n case I am able to drink wine and then went next door and replaced the house shoes I left in P-town when I got locked out of my room because I went to the beach in my house shoes.  Not having house shoes?  I think NOT-KMA.

I did the same thing at the hardware store.  YES.  Hardware store, earlier in the week.  I went to buy a new lock and bolt cutters (to remove the old lock) and came out with bolt cutters, a new lock, 6 keys for said new lock, a mini hacksaw, blades for the hacksaw and last but not least, a dog chuck-it.  They were having a 20 percent off anything that fits in the sack sale-so I am now ready to break into to Fort Knox AND tire out my dogs.  KMA retail stores luring me with your stupid sacks.

And the worst thing about is, it's never done.  EVER.  Things wear out, they have to be replaced, a new better model comes along, I suddenly have the need to saw may way out of something that is too big for the mini-hacksaw to handle.  You know.  The sheer neediness of life.  KMA.

But isn't my mammoth ass to die for?

KMAT-Christmas decorations already up-on houses

I tolerate it because I have to, and because I understand the stores have to sell in advance of Christmas Day.  "It" being the early arrival of decorations.  I spotted a few in August along with the arrival of Halloween and Thanksgiving stuff.  The economy is slow-people need to think in advance.

Or do they?  If you are worried about your job next year, should you really buy $300 worth of ornaments THIS year?  I don't know and I don't care-I tolerate it.  I don't even break out in a cold sweat the first time I see the glitter and glitz of red, green and white silvery ....OK, let's just say I tolerate it as best I can.

On my way home tonight (Monday) I saw two houses with lights a blazing.  They had not left them up all year, no these were newly hung and lit Christmas lights.   I agree-the weather's been great-it's not a bad idea to put them up while it's warm.  I myself, should I decide to do lights, may even do so.  But LIGHT them?  NO.  KMA.  Am I being intolerant?  No, I'm not telling them what to do with their lights, I am telling them what to do with my ass.  Kiss it.

I boycotted Halloween Candy handouts this year.  Bought some candy, but turned my lights off and tossed it on a shelf for Thanksgiving.  (York peppermint patties will go nicely after dinner with coffee).  I seriously do not like the attitudes of the kids who came to my door last year, greedy ill mannered little waifs.  And the parents.  The parents rarely said thank-you nor directed their kids to.  No thanks, don't want to play.  Halloween Scrooge?  Oh well, Kiss My Ass.

I also question the handing out of substances I try to avoid myself and encouraging kids (as if they needed it) to stockpile candy.  Halloween needs a revamp.  Till then, Kiss My Ass.

I'm trying to get in the Thanksgiving spirit, whatever the hell that is.  I'm going to cook dinner at my house, painful though that may be.  Too many gluten laden dishes will put me out of commission for the rest of the weekend, so I'll do my part.  I planned my dishes, bought suitable vessels for those dishes I had planned but had not a suitable vessel in which to prepare them, and hit the the after Halloween Sale at Michae';s and bought myself a big old half price wicker cornucopia and a hundred dollars worth of other stuff I couldn't leave the store without.  Hideous half price cornucopias, luring me in-Kiss My Ass.

I'm hosting a Centerpiece contest (a fun thing) on another website and even giving away fabulous prizes.  For those not crafy-I included a Fantasy category wherein the person could draw a picture or describe what they would do if they could do it-it being build a centerpiece.  First posting was a complaint-"I can't rub two sticks together" well, Kiss My Ass and read the instructions before you complain.  Whiney ass people can Kiss My Ass.

Now I did say fabulous prize, but it's a group of WLS patients, they know I'm paying for it out of my ass pocket and it's in the middle of Holiday season-HOW  fabulous could it BE?

 Remember when Billie Jack talked about how he tried to be a more peaceful person but then he couldn't and he whopped that dude right upside the head with his foot?  That's kind of how I feel.  I'm trying, oh yes, I'm trying hard.          

Photo credit is due to KJ-who took this lovely ass view in Provincetown.  MY Ass should be so fine.  The dog was 10 years old, so she's about my age in dog years.  Hmph.  Kiss My Ass Old age.

KMAT-Procrastination

Procrastination is weird and hard to define. I play on the computer,  I work on the computer and I always drink coffee when I do it.  So how can I tell when I'm procrastinating or working?  Do I care?  Not sure. Therefore, for creating many annoying side conversations in my head, Procrastination can kiss my ass.

KMAT-Thingamajigs and Heavy Coat Pushers

I have a few new asses to share, and I would IF I'd brought along the right connector thingamajigs.  FINE. Computer geekery stuff, KMA-I'll upload it when I get back.  Don't need ya baby.  Well, actually I do if I want to get image from point A to point B, but I don't need it NOW.  I can do it later.  No one will perish if they don't see a new ass image till next week.  Ya know?

Right now I'm in total love with the husky little boy peering into my window.  I was watching HIM before he started watching me.  He wanted to go out to the pool and he did not want to wear a heavy sweatshirt.  "MAH_AH_AM, " he wailed, "I don't CARE if I get cold, I want to play."  I don't like to wear coats either, so on his behalf, KMA heavy coat pushers.  Please do not oppress those of us who like to be able to move our arms.  Really.  If YOU think it' s cold, shut up and go put on a coat.

Technically, I AM as cold as you are.  We are, after all, in the same environment.  However, my tolerance may vary from yours.  Hell, I'm midlife hormonal woman, my tolerance varies from second to second.  Once you ascertained that I do have coat, as in a gentle inquiry, to whit, "Would you like to borrow a jacket?" then KMA and quit trying to dress me.  Thank you.

For my part, I shall not take offense at the first few inquiries-"Aren't you cold?"  By the third one, my patience may wear thin and perhaps, just maybe, I will tell you to kiss my ass.

I am vehemently opposed to all forms of clothing oppression, be it in the form of heavy coat pushers or high heels for women wearers.  You may all kiss my ass.  Don't like blanket statements?  Kiss my ass.

KMAT-Slow deliveries

My lovely new boots will be here tomorrow-AFTER I leave.  I didn't realize when I ordered them last week Zappos no longer does the overnight thing.  REALLY?  Could you not tell us this?  Did I miss that MEMO?

Not going to send them back even though they can't be vacation boots.  I still like them, just wanted to wear them is all.  Ya Know?  Kiss MY ASS Slow Deliveries.  And Kiss My Ass declining service.

Yeah-YOU American Airlines.  Raising your luggage fees AGAIN when gas has gone down.  Cut back on some of that corporate bonus pork barrel crapola and leave the consumer alone.  REWARD ME for losing weight so you don't have to fly my fat ass-my luggage weighs less than I lost.  Irony irony irony.  Kiss my ass.

KMAT-Pointless SH**

I can never decide whether I get more done with a schedule or a plan-less protocol.   My schedule's are usually over planned and daunting, my plan less days are so scattered it's hard to see any progress, although I'm usually busier on those days and spend less time avoiding.

Today a schedule seems to fall in the category of pointless shit.  In fact, I could go as far as to say I'm annoyed at the very suggestion that I might want to plan something or another.  Tomorrow, it may well seem like the second coming of something good-but for today, it can KMA.

Isn't it strange how something can be worthy of an ass kiss one day and a great idea the next day?  What may even be stranger is that I LIKE it that it is a variable factor.  Does that make me less disciplined or MORE flexible?  Oh KMA silly labels-labels are definitely pointless shit.  But even that rule is not without exception-file folders, dog food canisters all of those fall in the good use of labels category.

Cabbage eating bugs can kiss my ass and die.  Yes, one of the things I'm definitely going to do today, though it won't be on any list (because lists are in the KMA category today), will be to sevin dust the crap out of my cabbage plants.  Or spray.  Whatever I grab first will be the method of delivery of the poison.  KMAAD to you cabbage eating bugs.  List or no, you die today.

I've just spent 4 days on the road with my parents.  KMA regular meal times.  Yes, I know it's good for them to have structure, and by golly, for them I do it, even though my head wants to explode.  Invariably, at one meal we have to discuss when and where the next one will occur.  They need the structure, the planning, and for them I will comply.  But oh for shit's sake!   I'm giving myself a break today and indulging in liquid protein shakes for the day-just to have a respite from thinking about food.

It's kind of weird, because I still journal and analyze my food quite a bit-but I know people who plan their menus a week in advance-and FOLLOW them.  HOLY HELL.  Even my own mother only works out a couple of days in advance.  I want to puke just thinking about planning a week's worth of "menus".  Kiss my ass control freaks and stay the hell away from me.  Scarily anal people in general can kiss my ass.

I do have my anal areas too, but I try not to be blatant about them.  For one thing, it gives someone who's having an ornery day ample ammo.

Oliver the parrot has flown over to the couch to add his own personal KMA-he says, and I quote, "KMA people who leave town.  BAD BAD BAD."

KMAT-

Oh, Kiss My Ass Lifetime Network.  I was so excited, Lifetime had a movie about Georgia Okeeffe  with some pretty decent actors/actresses.  The script was total drivel, extremely one sided, putting Georgia up on a saintly and chaste pedestal as she endured her long marriage to controlling and unfaithful Alfred Stieglitz.  The only thing (according to the movie) Georgia did was pose nude for her husband....who exploited her by displaying the photographs.

This was a woman who painted giant, vaginal flowers, and to desex her in such a manner seems particularly vile.  It made me realize how far we still have to go.  Kiss My ASS Sexism.  We can portray teenage girl/vampire sex in prime time, but heaven forbid we should portray a complex relationship that included many folks, not just a sordid and sad triangle?  That's fucked up.

KMAT-Perceptions perceptions

It happened-possibly the worse thing (or the best thing-the jury is out) that can happen to a former bulemic, somewhat OCD, fairly depressed, scale obsessed person.  Worse than the batteries failing-which happens about once a year.  The scale malfunctioned....it was WRONG.

Not going into the whole sordid body image mess, because I'm still working through it.  But dammit to hell-if you can't depend on your scale, what CAN you depend on?  And, it was wrong to the good, which means it's now right to the bad.  Kiss My ASS.

Worse, logic (oh yeah, logic shows up at the worse times) stepped in before I could go into a full meltdown-because honestly, if I felt fine about me yesterday and the day before and the two weeks the scale was WRONG-I really couldn't allow myself a spiral into loathing because a number changed.  How annoying is THAT?  Kiss MY ASS!

We are talking about a 15 pound swing-which means my body perception is really screwed.  BUT, it does show improvement because there was a time when a one pound gain would have sent me scurrying for the ex lax.  Kiss my ass little piddly poundage problems.  Kiss my ass that I even cared about one pound-one lousy pound would ruin my day.

To determine what it meant in terms of graphs (I love graphs) I simply removed the wrong weight, and viola, at my current calorie consumption I lost a pound over several weeks, which in my world because I am NOT that amped up about a pound either way-is maintaining.  That's the good news.  The bad news is the damn number is 15 pounds over what I set.

So, here I am, happy, but not self righteous because I can't parade around declare myself "At goal".  I can feel the relief (sick relief) flooding my brain-I can diet again, as well as that stubborn logic saying-"what changed if you were happy yesterday?"  And, bloody hell, I'm still reasonably happy today.  Issues yes, but I feel exactly the same about my body today as I did yesterday.  Well, Kiss my Ass stupid scale.

AAAGH-another false perception.  I was not invisible yesterday either-at a weight that should have rendered me at least translucent.  Kiss My Ass.

I want to be clear about something.  I'm not so much pissed off at the scale, as I am staggering under the full weight of all those years of obsessing about something that clearly didn't matter.  It only mattered because I let it matter, because I thought it mattered, because it mattered to me.  Damn and Kiss my ass.

Perception is a powerful thing.  Not going to KMA to perception because it can be just as good as not.

Perspective is not the same thing.  My perspective when I step on the scale is pretty much the same-it's what I do AFTER the number hits that's up to me.  Wow.  Kiss my ASS Perspective, I can pick my own.

KMAT-Line up here

Vile, selfish, greedy, greedy self centered money grubbing liars can kiss my ass.

People who are both dishonest and stupid-kiss my ass.

Flag waving dishonest religious types-kiss my ass.

Relatives who I don't like can kiss my ass.  Really, we are related?  Too fucking bad I still don't like you, kiss my ass.


The feeling that I can't help everyone I love-THAT can kiss my ass too.  True as that may be, I don't even have to pretend I like it.

If you are reading this-please send your best ass kissing vibes my way.  I am struggling to turn the other cheek, and unfortunately, the cheek I want to turn isn't the one in the old axiom.

KMAT-Jump back, kiss it again

Nothing like a little joyful ass kissing.  I hope this doesn't bite me on the ass-but kiss my ass anesthesia from last month-you didn't screw up my hair.  OW!  I was certain I'd end up cutting it all off again, from being sick coupled with surgery-but no.  I couldn't sustain life, but I could sustain a head of hair.

Remember that Eddie Murphie rif on James Brown?  He say "jump back, I wanna kiss myself-OWWWW"...or my beloved Cat from Red Dwarf "I'm so happy all six of my nipples are TINGLING.........."

Doncha just love a near miss?  Oh come on, it beats the hell out of a bull's eye.  And, it's ok to celebrate them too.  If you are going out and regularly seeking near misses, you might want to look at THAT and overall reckless behavior.  But sometimes, just sometimes, you are NOT the bug, you are not even the windshield-you just woosh, zoom by it, close enough to know that you almost got your pee pee in a ringer, but you didn't.  And that's when you want to dance around, shake your booty and sing "Jump back, kiss my ass, oh yeah kiss it again."

Celebrating is not the same as being ungrateful.  I just don't think gratitude always has to be such a solemn, dreary thing.  Maybe if it weren't we'd have more of it.  Here's to near misses!

KMAT-Low level irritants

Sink hair can kiss my ass.  I live alone, and my OWN hair clogging a sink grosses me out-let's not even think about public places and hotels.  I think it's the whole combo of hair not being where it "belongs" and being WET.  I've never met a single person who was pleasantly surprised by a big old hair ball in the sink.

Unclipped toenails can kiss my ass.  If you are going out in public with open toed shoes-clip your nails or stay home.  Also, clip your dogs nails when they need it-trim your horse's hooves.  Shit.  It's not rocket science.  But for heaven's sake, don't do any clipping where I can see it or hear it.

Acrylic nails grown out -if you are going to rock acrylics, get those fills or take the things off when they grow out.  Two weeks max.  Grown out nail polish annoys me too.  People who sit and FLAKE their nail polish in public-oh don't get me started.  Kiss my ass.

Dog eye boogers.  People, dog's don't have thumbs-they can't clean their eyes.  If your dog has an eye booger-clean that eye, if for no other reason than it will save you a vet bill for conjunctivitis.   Anyone who could leave a dog with a dirty eye can kiss my ass.  If you don't notice things like that-do your dog a favor and find it a home who does.  Dog dingleberries are one level up from eye boogers in grossness.  

People who don't understand my abiding love of Starbucks-kiss my ass.  I HAVE an expresso maker at home, but sometimes I want someone to make it for me, or sometimes I want/need a little protein/caffeine when I'm out.  Don't get it?  Fine, I don't care, shut up or kiss my ass.  In these troubled times, we do have to save every penny-you save yours where you want to, kiss my ass, and I'll save mine where I want to.  When you have to support my Starbuck's habit-you can have some say-in the meantime KISS MY ASS.

E coli showing up everywhere-KISS MY ASS.  What is up with that?  Some ass bug showing up in drinking water?  Freaky deaky.  The entire world is full of shit-kiss my ass!

KMAT-What Mantis Doesn't tell you.....

From the Mantis Customer Service Department:

Thank you for your email.  The one year return policy is not in effect for items purchased online through other establishments. 

 

Sincerely, 

Customer Service Representative

Mantis, LITTLE WONDER, and Classen
1-800-366-6268

 

“CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE: This email transmission, and any documents, files or previous email messages attached to it may contain confidential information that is legally privileged. If you are not the intended recipient or a person responsible for delivering it to the intended recipient you are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying, distribution or use of any the information contained in or attached to this transmission is STRICTLY PROHIBITED. If you have received this transmission in error, please immediately notify the sender. Please destroy the original transmission and its attachments without reading or saving it in any manner. Thank you, Schiller-Pfeiffer, Inc./Commercial Grounds Care,
Inc.”

 

Now, according to this long winded notice-I CAN distribute this because I AM the intended recipient.  And, as such I want to tell the world that if you buy a high priced Mantis Electric Mower from Amazon.com in March, you cannot return it past April.  Mantis does not honor their famous "try it risk free" for anything they did not sell.  Of course they never mention this in their television or print ads.

So I am stuck with a really expensive, really awkward pair of electric shears-a weed whacker would cut the lawn better, and my lawn is tiny. The only green thing about this is the money Mantis gets, because I will have to go buy another lawn mower that will do the job.

I put the number to the customer service department up and invite anyone reading this to call Mantis and tell them to Kiss My Ass (or your ass if you'd rather). I really don't care whose ass they kiss as long as they pucker up well and often.

I'm going to send a link to the Mantis Customer service department as well, they may wish to kiss their own asses.

KMAT-Fashion

I must confess, I always get a little glimmer of anticipation and empowerment as I upload my ass for this post. Who or what shall I defy today-which is really Monday (sometimes Sunday) but will not be revealed until Tuesday?

A forum friend of mine accused me of "driving the Mustang of self delusion" when I admitted to going out sans bra if I were only going through a drive through....well, bras can kiss my ass. I really really hate those weird padded bras that are perfect round domes. They look like the tops you put over food at a fancy buffet.....OH, what do we have under HERE? Why look-it's a little bitty titty. Kiss My Ass.

I walk by displays in the stores and immediately feel inadequate and slightly disturbed by the notion that we are all supposed to have mass produced, conforming breasts. Who gets to decide what shape our boobies should be this season? Kiss My ASS fashionable boobie deciders.

In attempt to be open minded and fair-I bought one once. Wearing it reminded me of wearing knee pads for skating-it had the same foreign feel to it. I felt like Helga the Viking Queen, geared up to withstand the onslaught.....of what? With my tits? That makes no sense. Kiss My Ass.

Fashion in general can Kiss My Ass. I suck at it, always have, and I seem to be devolving rather the evolving as I get older. One of the big reasons I wanted to leave Corporate America behind was that I hated having to dress for work. Accounting is a back office thing-WHY do I have to put myself in a suit and heels (hah, like that happened recently) in order to rent my brain out for the day. And PANTY HOSE-Oh-kiss my ass kiss my ass kiss my ass.

They make no sense. I'm going to wear a skirt and show some leg, but then I'm going to cover it UP, but not really. And, while we all KNOW it's covered up, if there should be a run in it, revealing the cover up we all knew about-well that's just bad form. Oh for fucking crying out loud. I really do think women are still behind in the workplace in part due to all the stupid fashion rules we must adhere to. Some clever man probably thought that up to distract us. Kiss My Ass.

Fashion as a form of social control-and women fall for it and yes, I've fallen for it, in a rumpled sort of way. Even my lack of fashion is still a fashion statement of sorts. Inescapable. I can't NOT play, even if I walk around looking like a hobo's ass most of the time. Kiss MY Ass.