The work world was the first place I experienced the strange dichotomy that is my personality. My ideal self is a benevolent earth mother, but the tarot cards and my horoscope invariably cast me as the queen of swords. In fact, in most of the world the female of any species is the most agressive in defense of her young. So, maybe, just maybe, the whole benevolent earth mother is a misrepresentation of women.
My own mother chastises me for being too sensitive and caring too much about what other people think (other than what SHE thinks of course). In the work world I've had people say with me in the room "don't be fooled by her kindly hippie demeanor, she'll cut you off at the knees if you cross her."
Maybe I am sociopath, because I don't really see a problem with the two sides, as long as neither side is hidden. Are we captives of our own characters-or how others would percieve our characters? Unexpected anger, etc. from someone doesn't bother me nearly as much as unexpected kindness-but I too like people to behave as I expect them to behave.
But the truth is, in many situations and settings, such as my own kitchen, I'm not quite sure how to behave. Really. Teflon (fumes) stainless (sticks)? So, I've been working on my kitchen with the intent to understand what it's saying about me, what I think it means. I have this notion that if I can conquer the kitchen, I might be able to deal with the rest of the house and maybe life.
It's been crazy-I've examined everything from a complete remodel-which would leave me broke and completely remove the 50's details that I adore. I finally settled for a new dishwasher and a stove and I'm going to add gadgets to make the cabinets more functional. The fridge is up in the air at this point.
Now, all this could have been conveyed, perhaps, by saying, I'm getting a new dishwasher and stove today. But, honestly, it means a lot more.
The early days of this blog had me espousing and grousing about all the STUFF we have-and I still believe we have too much stuff. But I am no longer sure the stuff is the enemy, maybe it's the need for the stuff to make us into something we are not. What if I flipped that over a bit and used stuff that would help make me into who I want to be?
The ideal of strolling nekkid through garden just isn't practical in today's society.
Like a true woman of my generation, I escaped from the kitchen, now I'm going back to the scene of the crime to see what it was I was running from. Not the oppression of a male dominated society-leaving the kitchen didn't resolve that one at all. I think it's more the repression of a female image that doesn't fit me.
So, I am making the kitchen over in MY image. Precious counter space is devoted to....a coffee/tea area. I'm putting the fairly new toaster in the garage sale (I can't eat bread, I don't even have any in my house).
I first titled this entry "is life contextual'? and I think my point is ultimately that there are big gaps in the context of my home life. And why should filling them in be more difficult or painful than an educational/knowledge gap or any of the other countless gaps I've filled over my life? It's just one more puzzle.