All right all ready!

I'm still trying to figure out how I want the cable/phone outlets configured. I had an extra week to think about it-and really I have been off and on. It is so hard to make the decision because you have to weigh where they might go against all the furniture and crapola you'd have to move if you just stuck them near where the old set up was.

And then, there is the bigger issue that the dining room will become an office. Yes, an office/studio NOT a dining room. Oh horrors. Of course, the sunroom has a table and chair set up on it too, if sudden urge to entertain comes upon me. Right now I've got my sewing set up on it and I practicing roller cuts.

When you have a small space, like I do, decisions have to be made. There is no public/private area-one that I can set up to have ice tea with the neighbors and one I can put all my real life into. That's the hard reality that I am facing having moved into a smaller home, and one I've resisted. Oh, it's not really the neighbors, it's Mom and Dad. Of course, they ARE the neighbors.

In Dallas I sat my living room up as an office and my dining room up as a TV room and stuck the kitchen table out on the sunporch. And the world did not fall off its axis even one time. For some reason, when I moved back here, I wanted to become Betty Crocker and instead my house resembles that of an alchoholic animal hoader. (I actually was in the house of an alcholic animal hoarder once, so I know what I'm talking about).

But, I don't drink. And, I really don't hoard (animals). Instead, I sit frozen because I don't feel comfortable doing what I want to do in my own home. And that is nobody's fault but my own. Because really, at the end of the day, I could say "this is just the way I like it" as easily as I could say "I just don't have space for a true office".

So, I'm reworking the house and dividing up the areas into functional spaces that make sense for me based on what I do. Why set up an entire room for entertaining and dinner when I don't do that and don't really want to do that. Let's have dinner, to me, means pick a restuarant. Come over for awhile, to me, means let's sit on the couch and visit, or play some WII.

I'm just really fed up with trying to cram what I do all day into one small corner/laptop and the funny (ironic not ha ha) thing is no one has asked me to do this but myself. Nope, can't even blame Mom and her endless questioning. Because it finally hit me-she isn't saying "why don't you do it like I do it because that's how it's done....".....she's really just asking "why" which is something I do all the time too.

My need for approval has become matched only by my expectation that I won't get it and I've created this huge drama in my head. But it must be the drama I craved, because if you asked me point blank "do you care what anyone thinks of your dining room" I'd laugh at you. So, in my little drama, I've worked it out that I can't have the house I want cause what would people think....only, I don't really care what people think. I only pretend to care sometimes, when it suits me and my need to procrastinate.

I really do appear to have too much time on my hands or not enough time or could it be both. If my poor little house is a metaphor for me, I can't figure out how, why or what it all means. So today I'm just rearranging the rooms the way I want them to be and maybe that metaphor will magically carry over to me somehow. At the very least, I'll clean out some dust bunnies and have a more orderly space to create again.

I guess it comes down to the cosmic question "what are you waiting for?" I've always wanted to ask someone waiting for Jesus if they think he might not be coming because they really don't believe he will....but that is too much mind fuck for anyone, isn't it? From now on I'll go with the more subtle "why do you do that?" because THAT seems to work me over pretty good every time.