Thursday, April 17, 2008

Thursday's are Hard Sometimes

Thursdays are hard to blog on-Animal Wednesday's are so much fun. The poor Thursday comes around and it's just a place keeper for Friday. I think I was born on a Thursday-no really, I do think that, but I'm too lazy to look and see. And does it matter? What matters is today is Thursday, and if it is not the anniversary of my birth, it is of somebody else's.

My brain has been working in hiccups lately-sometimes inspired, sometimes mush. I need to make more of an effort to connect with life and future rather than sit and muse and pass the time with people who are waiting to die. Now, I mean no disrespect to those people, and spending time with them is important. But I also need to remember that I still probably do have time for a plan and a scheme or two.

When I first moved back, I took the joy killing that goes on here very personally. But it isn't-and in some ways my schemes and wild ideas probably jangled on their nerves-reminding them of what they can no longer do. Unintentionally, I was hurtful, just like they were hurtful to me.

Just like kids, there is no one fits all manual for the elderly. In fact, you can raise a child to be direct and ask you for exactly what they want, with my parent's I have to figure it out. I've learned to look at criticism and ask the internal question "what am I not giving you....." That has been quite handy trick, and I'm glad to share it with you all.

Really and truly, there is enough complexity on 49th street that I would never be able to get to the bottom of it all if I spent all my time on it and never looked outward. Yet, by going outward and coming back, new perspectives and insights emerge.

I always wanted to be a supernova-bursting with such brightness that everyone would sit up and notice. Instead, I think I'm more a comet, running around in circles a lot. Well, on a good day I'm a comet. On a bad day, I'm more of an asteroid-a big lump that crashes into things and remembers that it used to be a comet.

Is that what it's like to get old? No more comet, only asteroid?

Really ancestors, some of you that have moved on could return to give us that are trying to figure it out a few hints. For shit's sake, it's YOUR CHILDREN I'm taking care of.


Fern said...

You are not alone.

Douglas Adams said, "I never could get the hang of Thursdays"

but besides the fitting quote, I also mean you are not alone.


Anonymous said...

Does it help to know it's Friday here and Thursday doesn't matter for another week?

Debra Kay said...

You are both sweet-I'm going to bed and when I wake up it will be Friday.

human being said...

it's gone ... i mean Thursday...
but this mood never goes away
and think it's good ... let's call it a pause...
sometimes when we are on a road we pause to take a look back and also to decided for the new way to choose...
that was what you were doing in this post so beautifully..
i love to pause sometimes...
i loved you post..
i also love your words... on my blog... :D

Hopper said...

I Am What I Am


I left my home many times
and I roamed the earth
I left the sea for the prairie grass
and I walked alone,
free at last.
Never had a future,
didn't want my past.
I was free at last,
free at last.

I walked through the mountains
in the rain and snow.
And the cold,
moist air blew life in my soul.
And it made me whole,
it made me whole.

I asked the sun and the stars and wind,
who am I in the scheme of things?
Many years later,
the answer it brings,
the answer it brings.

I am a thought in the back of my mind,
I am the shadow that tags behind.
I am a flower in the garden of yore,
I am a child of God for sure.
I am a boy trapped inside a man,
I am a grain in a sea of sand.
I am the earth on which I stand.
I am what I taste,
I am what I see,
I am what I feel,
I am what is real.
I am alive,
I am alive.
And whatever else I am,
it's just until I die.
And then I am just whatever I was.

Forever Young said...

for me it's the
TGIF: thank god it's friday!

FIST: fuck it's still thursday!!!!!