I was able to spend the afternoon with my Mom and not end up in the fetal position afteward. Instead, I came home, cooked dinner and am catching up on blogging. Mom hasn't changed, I have changed in the way I react to her, and it's working for both of us. In turn, I caught her appearing to pause before she said something-and that is a new thing too. She is willing to participate in this cosmic experiment.
What sparked the day was my Aunt has been ill and I suggested we drive out and see her. I let Mom pick the time, I showed up on time, and had no agenda. Multitasking does not work with Mom. Then other new thing I did was not plan an entire day's activity for when I got home-knowing I wouldn't do it anyway and would just feel guilty about that.
Tomorrow we are going together to see Uncle John. Mom is struggling going by herself and that has never been my intent to give her pain. John is going downhill and Mom needs help with that.
So, like almost everything else in life, what I came here to do isn't really what I've ended up doing at all (here being Oklahoma). But what I'm doing is what is needed. So, maybe that's how things get done.
My original agenda was "Move to Oklahoma, start a successful business, cure Uncle John of Parkinson's via engaging him in all kinds of activities, and stimulate my parent's interest in life." Immediately prior to arriving here I left a career and a life in Dallas, and a month after I got here I had a silicone band placed around my stomach (which changed a few things to say the least).
Now that I'm in counseling (oh how it makes me smile to write that after the last paragraph) my agenda is to make a "vision board" by next Wednesday.
9 comments:
What I find really offensive is the notion that contact with someone's vagina could "ruin" someone's reputation,
Damn, if only I could ruin mine. LOL
You know what I admired about my vain self centered mother after my 'father' died at 44?
Her ability to get laid because she had a great sexual need, other than that I couldn't stand her because she was a self centerd chain smoking party girl drunk.
Yup, she was a catholic, she would go screw a few guys, go to confession, get a clean slate, and go screw a few more.
I never did get that confession part. I don't need a pope excusing me for taking care of a need while he is whacking off. It's just a need, take care of it.
Mutter, mutter.
Oh, my regards to mother.
Now that I'm in counseling
With all due respect, take a deep breath, say, "Fuck it." and move on while you deal with things.
If the counseling is free, fine, if you are paying for it, forget it. They are as screwed up as everyone else so just save your money.
I went to one once, after a few months she wanted to have sex with me. It was tempting.
Uncle John
I had an Uncle John. I've blogged about him, I loved that little guy.
Counseling works for me because I KNOW they are screwed up too. I don't go expecting to be told what the answer is, but it is nice to talk a thought through with someone who can ask questions or ad insight without emotional baggage.
Well, I should say it works for me right now. Eventually I'll get weary of it and move on to something else.
I wonder if counselor's are replacing friends in a way. People are so busy nowadays that I don't like to waste time talking about my woes or fears or whatever else goes bump in the night. Yet, I don't feel at all friendly towards my counselor, nor much of anything really.
Maybe a counselor is the mental equivalent of a fuck buddy.
Hmm - counselor as a fuck buddy, how strange.
either way..I think you're a good person Deb, with all the good intentions of moving back to Oklahoma and changing lives - I'm sure that you have done what is needed and also what you need.
yep, I like what Mim has to say here. I agree. Funny how things play out, huh?
you had such huge expectations of yourself when you went back home...read them again, they are virtually impossible, are you happy with yourself for what you're doing now?
mental health is as important as physical health, so you go and keep going if it helps.
vision board? mine always end up with non-practical things like textures and colors and patterns...
now that I think about it, I have manifested plenty of texture and color and patterns in my life...
but I could use a new pair of shoes...and some tires for my car..what a boring vision board that would be...
You all mean so much to me, I'm lucky to have such wise and loving friends.
FY I tend to dream big and then get real as I get into something. I just need to learn to keep the dreams and get real without a painful crash. Flying is easier for me than landing sometimes.
My Vision Board is going to be digital-I can't stand the thought of magazines giving me images for life-since that is what they did for a lot of people (media background coming out).
I am actually doing what I always wanted to do, take care of animals and people. I just have to get comfy with the manner in which I'm doing it and get a little bit better about the boring part of bringing in money.
I don't need money right now, but I doubt I'd last for the rest of my life on what I have and I don't want to ever have to worry about paying for dog vaccinations or food for any of us.
My little shack will outlast me, and if not, it's insured. It's funny how getting the base needs met (dogs, housing) takes away a lot of desire for the corporate world. Honestly, I don't think I'm bitter any more-their little nnthill world works for them, but I never fit well with it, and now I don't think I fit at all.
Mim-note I said mental equiavalent-you are sharing something intimate with someone you don't really care about. I'm not prude, but I have managed to avoid a lot of drama and complications by keeping (for the most part) work work, and sex sex. Remember, I grew up in Oklahoma, where attitudes are a bit behind, so the folks I had relations with early on thought sex meant a lot of other things, like control and subservience. Well, it can, and it can be a lot of fun, in the bedroom-but not walking through the world.
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