Sunday, October 21, 2007

Trucks, roads, patterns

My newest analogy this week is the image of a big semi truck starting from a dead stop-it takes awhile to build up speed. I'm trying to think of my life in the same way-I got off the highway, on to a toll road, and now I'm taking off again.

My friend Sue had a car accident this week-she's fine. Her van rolled but landed on it's tires. I hope I land on my tires too.

With Mom and Dad and John, it's better to have the illusion that I know exactly what I'm doing. And truthfully, I do know exactly what I'm doing, I just don't have a clue how it's going to end. But do any of us?

Mom is a great seamstress-she starts out with an end in mind, a pattern and works towards that end. She also knows in a general way how long it's going to take. I'm doing a lot of cutting, revising, throwing out and starting over. I have no idea how long this is going to take, or what the finished product is going to be. But it will be a product of my own making.

I put some numbers to it. I left home at 17 and I'm going to be 47 this year, so 17 years of this product is Mom and Dad's, 30 is of my own doing. I paid for my education (well, I'm still paying for it) and I've paid back every dime of the dollars I've had to borrow at times. So I'm declaring it OK for me to be the boss of me.

For some reason, exactly what it is I do all day and exactly what I eat all day is becoming a topic of conversation. And, I've started answering direct questions. Why not? I avoided them for awhile to avoid comment, but I'm past that now. Comments can't hurt me, and remaining vague about what one is doing indicates that you are not entirely happy with what you are doing. And I am. Well, not entirely, but I'm working on it.

And really, what has changed? When I told them about my day at the job, they had no idea what those things meant. The only difference is that before, a company declared it good with a paycheck, and now I am gambling on the public declaring me good with a paycheck. But, if you don't have a fundamental belief in yourself, you can't be self employed. So, I'm believing like a big dog, or trying to.


Michele said...

"comments can't hurt me." That should be our philosophy for the month. So many times I get so hurt by the things my inlaws say and it's stilly. Why am I letting them bother me with their opinions and words. No more!

Debra Kay said...

Furthermore, if you are going to do what you want to do anyway (which I am) why let them deter you? (the comments) It would be nice to have approval, but its not necessary.

That's where having a network of friends and such helps-you can get feedback from outside the family. AND, it's for their own good-ha ha. My parents need me strong and confident to help them face the trials of old age. As annoying as I must be to Mom sometimes, I'm probably the only thing standing between her and an assisted living facility at some point.

The spectre of that is what keeps me here even when I'm ready to chuck it all. I am free to go, but I cannot say to my mother "you are inconvenient so I'll have to put you away some where."

Forever Young said...

dunno why i have only been reading your 'poidogz' blog, this stuff is great!

Forever Young said...

am gonna add this to my favourites list as well, and will be a regular visitor from now on.

Perriette said...

I wish you all the luck in the world with going out on your own. It is tough but worth it (most of the time!).

Debra Kay said...

LOL-Poidogz let's me keep the dog stuff in one place and the rest in another. In the beginning, I had trouble staying on topic with dogz, so I started this mishmash for "everything else".

The hardest part about Poidogz is staying upbeat-cause I could write about dog atrocities every day if I wanted to.

As for going out on my own, it IS scarey, scarey scarey and I'm still looking for the thing that I am most passionate about. A lot of pet related ideas end up being exploitive if you think it through enough. So, I'm still looking.