Brave Thing Number Two

I told a friend I was concerned about her, then when I got the "I know, I'll be allright" I pressed on and suggested therapy. That is a brave thing because I always worry about the friendship suffering. And it didn't. Once I said what I wanted to say, I let it go. To do more would be pushy.

As a result, I've caught myself volunteering to meet other people just to talk, etc. I tend to help people who are "safe" like my Uncle and my parents, who can't or won't reject me. Saying difficult stuff to friends is hard, very hard. But isn't that what friends are for?

Another result is that I'm saying more things to MYSELF that need to be said. After all, if I'm asking my dear friend to face things, I need to face things myself.

One of the most horrible things I've had to face is my ex-husband. He molested my daughter and he was promptly evicted from the house. And I've carried that anger and that hate for a long time. I still think it was a vile act.

But, it wasn't directed at ME. It was wrong, she was wronged, and I was betrayed, but it didn't happened because he hated me. He probably loved me a lot more than I ever loved him.

And, it wasn't MY fault because I married a man I didn't love so much because it was safe. It wasn't Divine retribution for all my sins. None of it was mine-it was his problem and his alone. I don't want it any more.

One of my favorite quotes is "forgiveness isn't saying it's allright, it's saying it's over." and I may be at that point now. It will never be allright, but it's really and truly over, for me.

I'm always looking for turning points and liminal moments, because I'm a writer and that makes good drama. But life is more like a river, there are eddies and currents and gradual blending of things that make us who and what we are.

Even Brave Thing Number Two got blended in with other things and just kept flowing down the great river of life.