Stupid UPS man stepped on one of my horned lizards. Poor little thing, he was one of my favorites too. He was just out basking on the sidewalk, not hurting anyone and splat, the modern world comes and that's the end of the little platy rhino.
At least he died quick, on swift stomp and that was it. I went down to get some sympathy from mom who said "He probably thought it was a bug and he was doing you a favor...AND if you cared about them you wouldn't have let them loose in the front yard." Great. So now the fault is mine. Brilliant Ma.
I thought they'd be safer in the front yard than in the back, less predation, more places to hide. I did the best I could, and it just wasn't enough to help this one. I suppose that's a lesson too, sometimes all you can do just isn't enough.
But, I still have the dream of seeing wild horned lizards caper in my rose garden one day.
I'm tired today, I'm having Band Rage (can't eat so I'm stressed without that outlet) and the chainsaws and the lizards and the general lack of any sign from the Universe that I'm doing the right thing is getting to me.
What if my life is like that lizards? What if all I can do just isn't enough?