I felt for awhile like a change was coming, and now something definitely seems to have changed, but I am not sure what the change WAS. Maybe it's just a settling in and acceptance of life as it is, an understanding of the potential risks and rewards. I definitely feel more centered and present in what is happening around me, not lollygagging around in what might be or what should be.
Mom has finally gotten and is truly shocked by how insecure I really am. I, in turn, am shocked that she didn't know this. A funny thing happened though-she was lecturing me on the topic..."I don't know WHY you have such low self esteem, you are attractive if you try, you are smart, although you have zero common sense.........." her voice trailed off....but she recovered. "Oh, nevermind, let's just go do water aerobics and forget all about this stuff...." I laughed and agreed.
But Mom is as much a prisoner of her generation as I am of mine. The Depression, tough times and ne'er do wells made it important to teach your children to be "just like you" if you wanted them to turn out. My generation had more options that theirs did not have, and they weren't equipped to help us through all those options.
And, I think for both of them, "not thinking about it" was the best way to get by a sometimes rough child hood. Unfortunately, I do enough thinking for all of us.
But we are coming to understand that my dogs/critters give me the same thing her cooking gives to her. It's where we connect with ourselves. Stranger still, we are both coming to accept it in the other.
If I hadn't had one other positive experience over the last 6 months-I think this insight would be worth all the other drama/trauma. How many people get to come to that point? In this day of scattered families, not that many. This is my lucky break, and I am glad I have the sense to realize it...hell, maybe even common sense.