Saturday, January 5, 2008

So much in my head

Do you ever get so much going on in your head that you think it might explode? I'm sure you do, we all do. Is that somehow supposed to comfort me now? It doesn't.

I've been stuck in idle now for weeks, WEEKS. The turning of the year has done nothing for my mood or my energy level. And yet, I just keep piling on more todos and projects and schemes and dreams. AAAAAAGH. Stop. Enough.

I believe this is the most uncomfortable I've ever been in my own skin. And yet, it seems to me to be exactly the place I SHOULD be now. Why am I choosing this? Is this a way to personal growth or just a new and diabolical method of self torture?

I'm leaving for Florida tomorrow and part of me wanted to be there last month and part of me doesn't want to leave my living room. What if John takes another turn for the worse-what if Mom goes up to visit him and gets locked in (she's not good with electric locks)...what if Dottie gets worse, what if what if what if...and of course, I haven't painted the red boots yet, and there is so much undone....

Yet, I could sit here on the love seat typing for another millennium and still not come up with any good answers to those or a thousand other questions. Because, those are questions that I don't have answers to or control over. How funny-the things that clutter our minds the most are things that we really can't predict/control anyway.

Yep, time to step away from the madness for a bit, go out, and get a new look at it from the outside. Of course the real madness is with me, but it's kind of hard to leave me behind, and really, I wouldn't want to do that anyway.


Mim said...

Deb - I travel continuously and absolutely hate, hate, hate the leaving part. I overpack to compensate. I worry in advance, obsess actually. I am fine once I get where I am going but a looming trip messes me up so bad. I have tried packing in advance, and then will tuck things in at the end "just in case".
So, to's normal to obsess about going away and all of the if's, and's and but's that go along with it. Just calm yourself with the thought that you are a maximum of 24 hours from home, if mom gets stuck you call the police department from Florida and John will be OK for a short time. With the amount of things that you do for other people, you need sometime for you (even tho' you are going to take care of a friend) just getting away for a few days will be good for the soul.
Lecture over!

Debra Kay said...

The funny thing is, Mom showed me she knew how to get onto the ward (we went up for a visit). John is holding his own.

But...I already changed my ticket to come back on Friday-I really was going to be away for too long a stretch-I need some time at home before I go off again on the 18th (camping/horseback riding/gambling).

As it was I got home Tuesday night and pulled out Thursday AM-and the trailer hasn't been loaded, etc. That was really overwhelming-so this is a nice compromise-I'll get to help, see my friend, but I won't be too frazzled to go back out on the road again.