Ok, I decided to say STOP-cancelled hair, cancelled Uncle John/Mom. I thought about what I would do if I didn't have obligations, wasn't grown up and could do anything that I want to do. Then I thought about all the unfinished things I have around the house, and realized something-I don't finish them because I don't value them-because I don't value myself.
I started with something easy. I made Bitty a pen with another ex pen I had, right out in the sunnyspot, then pulled a park bench I already had out in the sunny spot and then I just sat down in the yard with my dogs. I do value the dogs, but what was missing was my time with them.
Prissy has her lessons, the old ones have medicines, but it's been ages since we all just lounged around as one big unit. After they realized I wasn't going anywhere, they settled down and just were who they are. (more about that on the other blog).
Here's the deal-women and I include myself in that, define ourselves most by what we do for others each day. Taken to the extreme, you end up like me-a basket case of resentment and passive agression (won't say no, but then cancel).
I totally get the shopping addiction thing. Totally-look around-most of my mess is unused stuff. I want it, therefore I should have it, I get it, no, I really don't deserve it. I totally get my Mom's food hoarding-I might need it. (Just because I don't do it doesn't mean I don't understand). I completely get animal hoarding-low self esteem, but I can SAVE them. The part I don't get is that they don't socialize the animals but maybe that is the part like shopping where you buy 75 pairs of shoes but don't wear them.
It's like we, us, them, are all striving for something that we won't let ourselves have. And that is the cosmic key-just won't let ourselves. Because even if we buy the shoes, we don't wear them. Ok, the bean can doesn't fit, because Mom uses her food...BUT she has that waste not clause going on in HER head.
Now, I actually had prepared a more upbeat post in my head about finding something you already have and then using it, and enjoying it. But this mess came out instead and I think it has more meaning if a little less polish.
The woo woo part is this showed up in my inbox when I was getting ready to write the other post...
Daily Horoscope by Astrology.com
Saturday January 26, 2008
Scorpio
There's no need to do additional research -- you've got all the information you need to make your plans now. In fact, looking up more facts should only confuse things, so stick with what you've got.
By the way cosmic forces, I like emails better than trees falling on my head. Thanks again!
By the way-I am going to start counseling next week, as in getting some. I think I'm close to my own answers, but need some additional coaching in order to make sense of it all.
5 comments:
Oh boy - can I relate! But it sounds like you gave yourself a day (or part of a day) "off" and that's good. Enjoy the doggies.
Can you imagine the messy fun that pooches would have while chewing on 75 pairs of shoes?
Fortunately, I have only one shoe chewer (Oliver) and we are working on that...it's my one big no no!
I'm going to spend part of today outside with the kiddos too-it was a good, relaxing thing to do.
I totally get it as well. We woke up Saturday morning to a crib full of Zoe Throw up so I spent half of the morning washing and cleaning and the rest of the day sleeping. We all slept all day. It was so nice and really, really needed. And yes, I felt guilty about wasting the day but in the end, I didn't care. I did what I wanted and needed and it was nice.
i hugely agree with counselling, so good luck.
I think I've figured a lot out on my own, but I'm sort of in a "now what do I DO with it state" so getting a push from someone in a contructive way has got to help.
I think a person should go to counseling or some sort of therapy every few years just to keep the cobwebs from creeping in.
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