I don't make these things up

There is probably nothing funnier than a naked fat lady in a wheelchair looking for a six foot python and ducking down to roll past the windows cause the lawn guy is outside. Except, perhaps if the fat lady has to catch the python before she can let the dogs back in because the lawn guy needs to mow the backyard. Add a little spice-she has a meeting with her boss who hasn’t been in the best of moods lately-but she can’t leave the snake loose and the dogs caged-it wouldn’t be quite sporting.

Welcome to my Tuesday ladies and gentleman.

I was multi-tasking-checking the snakes while drying clothes when I discovered Alfred’s break out. The morning is a bit of a blur, but I think I tossed off my nightie, remembered that I needed to dry a shirt to wear, and then backtracked to look at the snakes. The dogs were outside, so I must have put them there and I did manage to eat breakfast before the fun began.

Some facts: Alfred is large, but can curl up into small places. He isn’t a threat to humans, but the gerbils and the dogs and the cat would be at risk. If Alfred were to manage to visit the next door neighbors, he’d be a goner, it would probably make the news and I could be in big trouble. I keep extra security on the big snakes, so I KNEW he was in one room, but I couldn’t leave until he was secure again. I am also very fond of Alfred and wanted him safe and sound.

The thing about snakes is this-you can’t just go charging around looking for them, it upsets them. I can’t go charging around anyway at this point. So I sat back, collected my thoughts and priorities.

First priority-get my orthopedic boot on because if I did find the snake I would need to focus on the snake, not protecting my foot. Yet, I’ve fussed with this foot far too long already to go plowing over it or otherwise damaging it at this late date. (Vacation plans in two weeks). The pants I intended to wear won’t fit over the boot-,so I had to put my pants on, then the boot, then my other shoe. All set and properly protected now.

My shirt was now dry, but I forgot to toss a bra in the dryer. Next step-dry bra and put on a tie dye T-shirt in the meantime, carefully searching the drawer that contained the shirt in the off chance that it contained the python. Now the windows are no longer a threat, my foot is safe and all I have to do is find Alfred.

Easy enough. Alfred isn’t a climber, he wasn’t under or in the bed, and he hates plastic. Move dresser (from a sitting position in the wheelchair) being careful not to pick up the dresser lest it fall on the snake. Hissing reveals snake, who sticks his head out just to make sure I heard him and understand he is not happy. Move dresser some more to expose snake, who counters by wrapping his tail around the dresser.

Ask yourself “what would Steve Irwin do?” So, I pick up the snake, but he isn’t letting go of the dresser. I open the closet door next to the dresser and say “Look Alfred, there is a good place to hide-no biting!” and sure enough Alfred takes off for the closet. Wheelchair doesn’t fit between wall and dresser, so Alfred gets into the closet before I can grab him. I get some tail (ha ha) but he’s wedged his big fat self in a plastic milk crate.

I offer him a clothes basket, but he hates plastic and now he pretty much isn’t happy with anything or anyone. Did I mention Alfred is wild caught snake, an adult, and only in captivity for maybe a month now? That’s probably why he hates plastic and imagine his horror to find the girls he was searching for encased in the stuff (snake racks).

Ask yourself again “what would Steve Irwin do?” Sit in wheelchair and contemplate things while holding onto the back end of an angry snake is what I did, but then it came to me what Steve WOULD do! I picked up the crate and said “no biting” and carried Alfred back to his vivarium which is full of logs and wood and things he likes. He immediately took off for his favorite log at his usual snail’s pace. I stood on one foot holding up the plastic case while he meandered back home, keeping his tail firmly wrapped around the milk case just to spite me.

Shut viv, firmly this time and sit down in wheelchair. Whew.

Call boss, go to work and weigh all the politics and power struggles against the sheer delight of chasing down a wild animal in your house. The thing is, I NEEDED that adrenalin rush and I needed to do something both physically and mentally challenging. No one is likely to intimidate me today at the office

I made it fully clothed, in the right clothes-and I didn’t bring my lunch on purpose today. Today was a day for fish tacos and spinning tales of the wild.