Monday, July 27, 2009

Happy Birthday Heather-Wherever you are

30 (good LORD) years ago today I gave birth to my daughter, Heather.  We had about 18 years together before hormones and drugs took over-the last few years weren't that great to be honest.

I left Dallas and went to grad school, she stayed in Dallas and did drugs.  A few years ago she had a baby of her own-I've seen one picture.  I haven't laid eyes on my daughter in several years, and it has been a few less than several since I've spoken with her on the phone.

It wasn't an easy parting for either of us.  But it was necessary for me to let go and not be used.  She couldn't seem to stop using, drugs or me, and I wouldn't allow that any longer.

Yet, if someone handed me a magic wand and said "you could make it all never have happened" I wouldn't.  Some of the really shitty things that happened helped make me who and what I am today-and not all of those things ended badly.

A few years ago, on Heather's birthday-I got a call from Mom telling me John was sick and needed help.  We all know how that went, and that I wouldn't change that for anything either.

Whatever my life has been or will be, it has been MINE-warts and bumps and joys and all.  That thing we wish we had-the sitcom, Normal Rockwell pretty life, doesn't exist, at least for people who step outside into the real world once and awhile.

This is always a weird day for me-I think not only of my daughter, but my mother, and my role as a daughter in the big cosmic progression of things.  And one of the conclusions I always draw is that I am not DONE yet.  For that matter, neither is my mother-she still has things to do. Wherever she is, I hope my daughter does too and her daughter as well.

Sometimes I worry I'm going to get a call that says to come pick up a body.  Sometimes I worry that I won't get that call if it happens.  It amazes me how much of myself  I have invested in people, only to have to let them go.  Even more amazing, is that I continue to do it.

Nothing lasts, but that's part of what makes the time you have with someone so very special.


soulbrush said...

your writing is simply done, very very powerful. i believe that one day you and heather and your granddaughter will meet again, and it will be a good reunion. why do i believe this? because i need to. do you need to too?
happy birthday heather wherever you are, your mom and I are both thinking of you today?

Debra Kay said...

I don't know what I need to believe any more. A joyful reunion seems highly doubtful, but I would take it if it came. Sadly, with addicts, you can't allow yourself to believe too much in them-your own desire to believe can mess you up. After a time, their entire personality and brain structure changes-similar to a dementia patient. The person you love isn't there any more.

Heather is in my heart today, and most days, but I don't really think the Heather I love is coming back. Sometimes, usually just to shut people up, I pretend I do believe, but it's just one of those pacifying lies.

Nothing would make me happier than to be proven wrong, and honestly, I don't believe MY intention in this matter makes any difference (i.e. You MUST give out hope). Intention without action is just wishful thinking.

I am pissed and I feel cheated though-I will share that. I am denied my "mother of the 30 year old" moment. Instead, I get this hollow, my child hit a milestone, can't share it feeling. MY me mine-our kids are so wrapped up in our identities, even the ones we don't see.

When I turned 30 Heather was with me and attended a black themed lobster dinner with me. I wonder if she remembers that? I was really looking forward to the moment where, at a milestone, she could look back and remember when I was that age. (For me and my Mom, it was 40-i remember when my mother turned 40.)

Oh well, I remember when I turned 30....I guess that's something.

studio lolo said...

powerful post deb. I hope Heather has done some healing of her own and is 'present' both physicaly and emotionaly for her 30th.
I wish the best for her little girl.
Thinking of you on this tough day.


Michele said...

I'm sure Heather's daughter will come looking for your one day. The grandmother/granddaughter connection is too strong. And maybe she will be able to bring all of you back together again.

Lisa at Greenbow said...

Happy Birthday Heather. Your Mother misses you and wishes the best for you.

Deb, I wish peace for you. I know it is difficult when a person you love seems hell bent to self-destruct.

Michelle said...

That was the best post I have read all day, and the first one that really made me feel. Especially the part about nothing lasting and that being what makes time so special.


Mim said...

Deb dear - you are one strong powerful woman. This is an amazingly honest straightforward post and I love ya for it.