I left Dallas and went to grad school, she stayed in Dallas and did drugs. A few years ago she had a baby of her own-I've seen one picture. I haven't laid eyes on my daughter in several years, and it has been a few less than several since I've spoken with her on the phone.
It wasn't an easy parting for either of us. But it was necessary for me to let go and not be used. She couldn't seem to stop using, drugs or me, and I wouldn't allow that any longer.
Yet, if someone handed me a magic wand and said "you could make it all never have happened" I wouldn't. Some of the really shitty things that happened helped make me who and what I am today-and not all of those things ended badly.
A few years ago, on Heather's birthday-I got a call from Mom telling me John was sick and needed help. We all know how that went, and that I wouldn't change that for anything either.
Whatever my life has been or will be, it has been MINE-warts and bumps and joys and all. That thing we wish we had-the sitcom, Normal Rockwell pretty life, doesn't exist, at least for people who step outside into the real world once and awhile.
This is always a weird day for me-I think not only of my daughter, but my mother, and my role as a daughter in the big cosmic progression of things. And one of the conclusions I always draw is that I am not DONE yet. For that matter, neither is my mother-she still has things to do. Wherever she is, I hope my daughter does too and her daughter as well.
Sometimes I worry I'm going to get a call that says to come pick up a body. Sometimes I worry that I won't get that call if it happens. It amazes me how much of myself I have invested in people, only to have to let them go. Even more amazing, is that I continue to do it.
Nothing lasts, but that's part of what makes the time you have with someone so very special.