This has been a strange few weeks for me and it seems almost everyone I know. Lots of drama, unexpected events and not all of those good. So, today, my angst seems trivial and I'd like to let it go, but it will just come back.
I finally had the insight that I'm not that special. EVERYONE pisses off my Mom, not just me. My Mom, is in fact, a cranky person. She's also a nice person, a caring person but less than subtle, although I think she fancies herself so. And for years, 46 to be exact, I chose to believe that her moodiness was somehow my doing and that I could make it right.
Hell, I even asked her to take Prozac a few weeks ago, and I've toyed with the idea of slipping it into the coffee. But, I've got to realize that my Mom is cranky, highly negative and it's not my fault and I can't make it right.
When I was given out the role of optimist, no one gave me the special cape that many of the optimistic people seem to have. The one that allows them not to internalize negativity. Oh, I'm still optimistic, but if someone around me is cranky or unhappy, I take that on too, as if their crankiness or sadness is my own. Yeah, I'm highly empathetic, yay me.
So I'm going to build my own cape of calmness. I shall wrap myself in the skin of invicible optimism (faux skin of course).
Looking at it, staying with it, it really isn't that bad. I have already said my daughter is a dope addict, and I love her, but I won't be a part of it;I don't even feel like a bad person for saying it. So, saying my Mom is cranky and negative, and I love her but I won't be a part of it should be easier. And, now that I'm at that point, it truly is easier. But it took me longer to get there.
It's like my culpability in the matter was one of those undeniable truths. But the real truth is, she was probably cranky before I was even born so I doubt I had anything to do with it.
I am sure it took so long to arrive at this realization because I just left and didn't deal with it. But now that I've moved back, I have to deal with it. Truly, it's a matter of survival.
In the movies, people come to these insights in dramatic moments with tears and background music. In MY life, they just figure it out while riding a bike.