Thursday, November 1, 2007

Stay with It

This has been a strange few weeks for me and it seems almost everyone I know. Lots of drama, unexpected events and not all of those good. So, today, my angst seems trivial and I'd like to let it go, but it will just come back.

I finally had the insight that I'm not that special. EVERYONE pisses off my Mom, not just me. My Mom, is in fact, a cranky person. She's also a nice person, a caring person but less than subtle, although I think she fancies herself so. And for years, 46 to be exact, I chose to believe that her moodiness was somehow my doing and that I could make it right.

Hell, I even asked her to take Prozac a few weeks ago, and I've toyed with the idea of slipping it into the coffee. But, I've got to realize that my Mom is cranky, highly negative and it's not my fault and I can't make it right.

When I was given out the role of optimist, no one gave me the special cape that many of the optimistic people seem to have. The one that allows them not to internalize negativity. Oh, I'm still optimistic, but if someone around me is cranky or unhappy, I take that on too, as if their crankiness or sadness is my own. Yeah, I'm highly empathetic, yay me.

So I'm going to build my own cape of calmness. I shall wrap myself in the skin of invicible optimism (faux skin of course).

Looking at it, staying with it, it really isn't that bad. I have already said my daughter is a dope addict, and I love her, but I won't be a part of it;I don't even feel like a bad person for saying it. So, saying my Mom is cranky and negative, and I love her but I won't be a part of it should be easier. And, now that I'm at that point, it truly is easier. But it took me longer to get there.

It's like my culpability in the matter was one of those undeniable truths. But the real truth is, she was probably cranky before I was even born so I doubt I had anything to do with it.

I am sure it took so long to arrive at this realization because I just left and didn't deal with it. But now that I've moved back, I have to deal with it. Truly, it's a matter of survival.

In the movies, people come to these insights in dramatic moments with tears and background music. In MY life, they just figure it out while riding a bike.


Forever Young said...

This is so touching for me as i never got on with my mom - ever. we had a very stormy relationship which led me to anorexia and bulimia.she died over 25 years ago and i don't miss her, sad but true, i have attemted to be everything she wasn't and succeeded mostly. don't beat yourself up, be who you are and don't take her on, you are not your mother's 'keeper'. chin up friend.

Michele said...

I love Forever Young's comments and I love what you said about optimistic people not internalizing negativity. It is so true and I really think it's our key to dealing with moms and MILs. So, how do we NOT internalize their negativity? How do we rise above it and overcome?

Debra Kay said...

FY-we have a lot in common. I was bulemic for decades. Michele-you are great friend. With such great minds, we will rise and overcome.

I think I'm everything Mom isn't, but I also think that Mom just couldn't nor did she want to. She did what she wanted to do.

I think part of the answer is going back to one of the Brave Things-Owning My Stuff. I am talking about owning who I am and being proud of who I am-it's something I never think about. Humblepie is an Okie (and probably an Arkie) staple.

Ahhh, that's part of the missing link-maybe what we are looking for is not their approval but our own!

Prozacville said...

Life is shit. But your shit makes great reading.

Prozac-y hugs.

Mim said...

I have a very cranky father who is 94. For years he has kept us on tenterhooks with his temper. I took on the role of peacemaker/keep-everyone-happy when I was very young.
Recently I gave it up! And no one noticed. Surprise to me! We also got my Dad on Cymbalta - and I think it's made a difference.
Why don't guys take on this persona?

Debra Kay said...

Mim, I think it's common for the elders to "take it out" on the ones the feel most comfortable with, so it's probably a great compliment. Gee, thanks guys.

The thing I'm learning is that if I just walk away for awhile, and then come back, they don't carry it with them, so neither should I. My parents are going to make me a wonderful dog trainer if this keeps up.

Prozacville-life is full of shit, but some of it is really good shit, know what I mean?