It's all still too raw and way to complex to blog out, but now I know that without any drugs whatsoever it is possible for the room to spin and the world to stand completely still.
It is possible to sit and make polite conversation even when your heart is jumping out of your chest. It is possible to chew your food well and swallow, lap band and all, when you feel like hurling your plate across the room.
Life can suddenly bring you face to face with the real boogy man when you least expect it. And the boogy man can apparently grow and develop as well-perhaps still a monster, but no longer a part of your reality. Just as you are not the person you were 20 years ago neither is he. That part takes a lot of getting used to-I will have to get back to you on that one.
It is also entirely doable to say "I've had enough, I'm going home now and curl up in the fetal position"...and then actually do it. No, the world will not stop-you didn't even ask for it to. You are just asking for what you need, a pass to get off for a bit. Carry on world, just leave me out of it for now. Not forever, just for now.
Not only is that possible, it's downright healthy. Much healthier, in my opinion, than sitting with the room spinning and your stomach churning and your head exploding. And you know what? You don't even have to agree with me, I'm just telling you how I feel and what I'm going to do. Because you know what? How I feel and what I'm going to do are MINE-they belong only to me.