Thursday, November 22, 2007

Shit

It's all still too raw and way to complex to blog out, but now I know that without any drugs whatsoever it is possible for the room to spin and the world to stand completely still.

It is possible to sit and make polite conversation even when your heart is jumping out of your chest. It is possible to chew your food well and swallow, lap band and all, when you feel like hurling your plate across the room.

Life can suddenly bring you face to face with the real boogy man when you least expect it. And the boogy man can apparently grow and develop as well-perhaps still a monster, but no longer a part of your reality. Just as you are not the person you were 20 years ago neither is he. That part takes a lot of getting used to-I will have to get back to you on that one.

It is also entirely doable to say "I've had enough, I'm going home now and curl up in the fetal position"...and then actually do it. No, the world will not stop-you didn't even ask for it to. You are just asking for what you need, a pass to get off for a bit. Carry on world, just leave me out of it for now. Not forever, just for now.

Not only is that possible, it's downright healthy. Much healthier, in my opinion, than sitting with the room spinning and your stomach churning and your head exploding. And you know what? You don't even have to agree with me, I'm just telling you how I feel and what I'm going to do. Because you know what? How I feel and what I'm going to do are MINE-they belong only to me.

11 comments:

Forever Young said...

ohmigod, don't even go there,life without my prozac is hell, pure hell, and sometimes i even double my dosage to get through a hectic term at school, then cut back in the holidays. call me addicted, call me a coward, call me insane, call me weak,call me anything- then gimme my prozac!!!!!!!

Prozacville said...

It's tough when inner and outer don't match up...

Debra Kay said...

Heh heh-I wasn't talking about Prozac making my head spin, I was talking about recreational drugs or booze. I'm not going to not take my Prozac.

P-I don't think the inner and outer match for most of us, however we are all so busy covering up that we forget that everyone else is lying too and begin to feel inadequate.

Michele said...

Wow, was that your Thanksgiving lunch?

Debra Kay said...

I'm still too dazed to even talk about it-but yes. It was just a series of one shit thing after another, and then when I decided I had had enough shit for the day-Mom took exception and I just said enough.

Highlights were having to dress Uncle John for dinner-going downstairs to the assisted living center and eating dinner whilst watching my pedophile ex husband and his mother across the room. I went over to Mom's to make my "report" and then go home, done celebrating for the day-and she blew up because I needed to be there to see the grandkids and greatgrandkids (not my children).

I did have one or two good coherent moments-like when I calmly interupted her and told her to quit telling me how I should feel about the whole thing. I said, "I'm not asking you to tell me how I should feel I'm telling YOU how I feel...."

It's like your theory of men overcoming our objections-she will just argue and argue about how it ought to be until you are beat down. But I decided enough was enough and I needed some time alone to think about suddenly running into someone I hate, was terrified of, and even thought of killing, so Mom had to serve the sanwiches all on her own.

kj said...

well!

i hope you are well cacooned and happily hidden until you wish to reappear.

hope your weekend unfolds nicely.

:)

Debra Kay said...

Trouble is I have to keep appearing for this and that. I really could use a vacation.

Switchsky said...

WOOT! Walk Away is my very favorite tactic...

Even at age five my well-honed birthday party escape was to the bathroom....sit and wait until it was all over...then take me home!

Now I just sit and spin inside and smile..or sit with the kids building towers with olives, rolls and toothpicks. Silly grown-ups.

Debra Kay said...

I really want to revert back to my previous Holiday tradition-Thanksgiving in Mexico.

Switchsky said...

Hee hee..I'm sorry but I imagined that perhaps a 'lap-band' was a small group of musicians from the Assisted Living Center that performed table to table...some warped combo of a lap-dance and a Mariachi band. The shit that runs through my mind!

I googled. Now I am educated, embarassed and impressed.

Debra Kay said...

On the way to the airport the cabby almost ran off the road because he thought I said I was going to Tijuana for a lap dance.