Sunday, November 25, 2007

About Seeing My Ex Husband in a Social Situation after 20 years

What a sucky thing. Most disturbing was that I wasn't sure until I verified it with a staff member at the Assisted Living Center. I was unable to do that till I left, so I had a good hour or so of doubting my very sanity. I really spent some time trying to convince myself that this wasn't happening.

I did give myself permission to make a scene if I need to, but found I didn't want to. So, instead I enjoyed the vantage point-I could stare at him without being obvious, but he couldn't stare at ME. I'm sure he hated that and I'm glad. Yeah, motherfucker, how does it feel......

First order of business, I declared to myself that dammit I would eat my dinner and not puke it-so I got some hot tea and forced myself to eat properly and slowly. Eating in public since banding has been kind of a sticky wicket, and I was making good progress, so I decided that I wasn't going to lose that ground and I didn't.

He who must not be named (ha ha) is an attorney, a manipulator, a pedophile and a bully. A really sinister, mean bully who smells any sort of weakness and capitalizes on it. Or at least he was the night I ran him out of my (our house) and told him I'd shoot him if he came back. (Yes, threaten me to that point and I will bite back). What he is now, I have no clue and I'm really not particularly interested in finding out.

His grey is now completely white, and frankly he dresses better than he did when we were married, and even looks a bit healthier. New wife appears to be more age appropriate. His mother seems a little faded, and he was very solicitous of her. Whatever monsterous secrets they have hidden together, they still obviously cared for each other very much.

It sucks donkey dicks to see someone you absolutely hate, fear, loath, etc. as just another human being. Really it does. All my righteous and justified anger at him just kind of fizzled. Why bother?

Of course behind THAT explosion remained the not so righteous and justified anger at myself for ever being in that situation or putting my child in that situation. Cause, if he is just a human being, well, so am I. Fizzle fizzle.

Getting to that wonderful conclusion took a lot of will power, thinking, self control, chewing and social deception (while I pondered) and that is why I was so tired when I left and went to Mom's and made my excuses. And, realizing she would never be able to "get it" I didn't even try to explain, just left.

But there was victory even in that-no arguing (on my part)-just surrendering to what was happening in my head at the moment, major holiday or no.

Now, part 2 is I am going to call the SOB and let him know that the best thing to do should we meet is to ignore one another. Mom hit a high soprano when I told her that-why why why? But here is why why why. He and I neither one should have to worry about running into each other, or having our elderly relatives upset. I don't want to move John, and he probably doesn't want to move his mother. It's too hard on the old ones.

It's not OK, but it is over. And while I enjoyed my vantage point of power, I'm not like he is-I don't need to loom over someone's head and frighten them with concerns about their relatives-the old bat looked good and well cared for, and that is not mine to mess up.

Truly, go in peace asshole, and let me do the same. It's not OK, but it's over, that's all foregiveness really is.


Mim said...

Oh my god, he sounds terrifying. Good for you to hold it together.

Debra Kay said...

The reality is he's a 60ish year old man-I could probably kick his ass.....LOL.

Now, he really did awful things, but just a he may or may not be THAT person any longer, I am definitely not the person I was either.

Sometimes the past can't be unraveled, sometimes it just has to be let go.

Anonymous said...

What a perfectly sychronized event...and on Thanksgiving, no less.

Bottom line: We are human. We all start there and dig through the mess, don't we?....hopefully laughing a bit as we are sloshing in our muck.

Michele said...

I can't wait to hear how that phone call goes. And while it's sad but true, I seriously doubt he has changed much. Monster rarely take time for self reflection and improvement because they think they are perfect just the way they are. Be proud you are rid of him.

Debra Kay said...

Yes, well, it will be at a time of my choosing when I feel best able to deal with it. Playing to my strengths is something I've become pretty good at.

Forever Young said...

nope, he won't have changed, my ex hasn't...unreal how that anger we think we've buried comes spurting up at the 'drop of a hat'.....and overwhelms us all over again, doing us no good either!!!! people all say 'forgive and forget, but that sooo hard!!!

Debra Kay said...

As we change, our past changes too (or how we feel about it). It's like every moment is truly eternal-repeating and repeating and changing. Hmmm, better be more careful how we spend our moments, eh?