Tuesday, December 8, 2009

One Year Later

KMAT post is below this one-and please visit it-first and foremost life goes on-and KMA is necessary and vital.

John left a year ago today.   He's had a year of not being trapped in the body that betrayed him.  Ok, that's harsh, I doubt his body betrayed him, it just failed him, like bodies eventually do.  But, as you can see, from the word betrayal, I'm still a bit angry at the turn of events.

I'll get over it, I'm sure.  One day I'll even get over wondering where John "went"-most likely when I arrive at the same place.  Or yes, I'll admit to wondering if he went anywhere at all.

The fact that there might just be an end, as in THE END, no more-has never really bothered me.  I've never worried about "dying" on the table during an operation either.  I'd be asleep, so I probably wouldn't notice. I'm not real crazy about thinking about events that might lead up to the end.  I've never been a big fan of pain, fear, etc.

So much of that we probably bring with us to the party.

The reality of Uncle John's death was he was awake less and less as his body failed, slipped into a place where he couldn't be roused, and died.  He informed me about a month before he left he'd be checking out soon.  His exact words "I'll be reporting for duty in a permanent location soon.  I'm looking forward to settling down."

Allrighty, that memory just made me cry.  But I'm not crying because he's dead, I'm crying because I miss him.  Does that make sense?

The same holds true for Dottie.  I still slip and call Prissy Dottie, and then I tear up.  But, to be honest, the tears are for me, who misses her dog, not for Dottie.  Dottie was clearly ready to go and let me know in no uncertain terms.

There is more to come-I will likely outlive (if I'm lucky) my current animals.  Daddy is headed for a pacemaker, and Mom's memory is slipping more rapidly, the tremors in her hand more visible.  On a cloudy cold day like today, it seems Death is all around.

The trick is not to be dismayed by it.  Death IS all around, and always has been.  Just because we don't choose to acknowledge it doesn't mean it was never there.  Death, Life, Love, Laughter-they exist everywhere and no where, all at once.  The choice to see or not to see is ours.

I've always been one of those people who HAS to look.  I can't seem to not look.  Even today, a year later, with fresh tears, I'm glad I looked.  I'm glad I sat down and thought about how I feel, remembered how I felt then.  At first, I thought, "how self centered," but John is dead, the only thing that remains is my memory of the event.

I think, sometimes, we get so caught up in the whole selfless notion we push ourselves aside and miss out on a lot of our own lives.

What a rambling post this has been-started out with John, ended with me.  But that's kind of how it is-John is gone, I'm here, I miss him, I still have places to go.  And where ever I go, I take his memory with me.


Lisa at Greenbow said...

Death is always hardest on the ones left behind.

Lynn said...

I am in this same place right now, well the before the end part, with my 90 year old aunt and uncle, her with dementia/& congestive heart failure that seems to be failing more and more often recently; and he with is recently repaired fractured hip, congestive heart failure, & hallucinations in the rehab center.
I already miss who they were.
I love them so much.
It's sad, but it's life and this is where we are. So, yes, please pass the Kleenex.

studio lolo said...

Wow Deb, a year already?

The ones left behind have a right to grieve and miss the ones who have passed. It's not selfish. You'd better belive I want to be missed when I'm gone ;)

>Big hugs<

kj said...

yes, you still have places to go, and i know because i might be going to some of those places with you!

i just can't bring myself to regret love, deb. and that was my thought reading your post.


Mim said...

thinking of you Deb and I lost a close friend 1 year ago today - it still brings tears to my eyes.

soulbrush said...

i cannot believe that it is a year already, what is happening to time now, it just flies by. at least dear john is now at peace.