Thursday, January 15, 2009

About Me (Graphic Medical Stuff Here)

It's been crazy in my head and my life these past few weeks. Like many people, I carry tension in my stomach and intestines (which is probably better than in your heart). In a New Year's resolution, I started taking all my vitamins, including calcium, not realizing the Prilosec I take has calcium in it, as well as the cheese I eat a lot of, many of the protein drinks....I got backed up to an epic, never before experienced level. And let me just say, that sucks. It drains energy, makes you feel slugged out and depressed.

It took me forever to realize that I wasn't depressed, I was full of shit. People have been telling me that for years, and it was true. Getting that taken care of took several days and multiple enemas-I didn't want to use harsher methods because that just sets you up for another cycle of the same.

While I was backed up I was also throwing up-(this has happened once before, pre weight loss surgery) so the Prozac wasn't going down-so then I became REALLY depressed. Does anyone remember that funny joke that went around a few years ago-the gist of it was, if you don't shit you'll die, so assholes rule the world? It isn't so funny when it happens to you.

On a cosmic note, I decided this was the physical manifestation of my hanging on too many things-and I've started cleaning up and letting go again.

The only other great insight I've had lately is this: I was watching the Nat Geo show on the moment of death, and how the very definition of death has changed with technology. During the mandatory section on the afterlife, I realized that religion is largely divided into two sections-HERE and THERE, and much of what rules HERE depends on what you think is going to happen THERE, and who you believe, and it's all a big construction of whatever we think or have been told. Ok, I say we, I personally don't spend a great deal of time thinking about how my actions today will affect my afterlife, maybe I should, but I don't.

At the moment I felt Uncle John leave, it wasn't a bad thing at all. It was the metaphysical equivalent of him walking out a door to someplace he was looking forward to being. I remember thinking "wow, what's the fuss about?" and I've spoken with several people who have had the same experience.

So (drumroll please for the insight) maybe Death is more meaningful to the living than the person actually dying. Certainly all the rigamaroll after the death occurs is. I have more of an understanding now that the funeral folderol is about honoring LIFE than honoring death, and I'm more open minded about it. I still find some parts creepy, but to each his own.

I do wish I could get the physical worked out so I could go back to work on the mental and actually begin to produce income again. But I also have a strong feeling that that will all work out in time and when the right thing comes along, I'll know it. I've explored everything lately from farrier (the first thing I ever wanted to be) to barista at Starbucks. Nothing strikes me as something I'd like to do for any length of time. It will be interesting to see what I become.


soulbrush said...

once again, i would love to be in your kitchen just talking 'shit'...i can so associate with this post debs, in a lot of ways. one thing i know for sure, the 'working world' will still be there when you are ready for it...don't sweat that,it will happen when it is meant to happen...

Lisa at Greenbow said...

I do wish you the best of health so you can get on with the best of life. I am a firm believer of not rushing into things. You will be blessed with some work that will be beneficial to you.

Mim said...

I can see you at Starbucks - how much sympathy would you have for those of us who refuse to say "grande" and say "small" instead? I think it would be fun!

Being choked up really sucks - glad you're getting rid of it all. Water Debs - water!!

Debra Kay said...

Grande is medium....LOL. I have trouble saying Grande too-it always comes out VENTI.

I want work that will benefit others too and that's what's making it hard to figure out. I have a decent skill set. Going to nonprofit route doesn't insure that you won't just get worked into the ground for someone else's ego-sad but true.

I am like the velveteen bunny-I want to be real.

kj said...

not fair, blogger destroyed my comment. so let me just say i know what you mean about dying--after watching my father, i know i won't be afraid when the time comes.

and as for work, you could take an interest test at your state employment office. sometimes something interesting shows up..


studio lolo said...

jeez Deb, how horribly uncomfortable for you. I think we can all relate to this in some way at one time. I'm glad you had a good plumber on the case :)

You know what bothers me the absolute most about my own death? Leaving my animals. I know you can relate! I know there will be people who will mourn my loss, and some may even feel lost without me...but my animals depend so much on me and my husband just isn't there for them in the same way. Well, maybe for the dog he is, but not the cat. That really bothers me. I'm obsessed with animals though. Even watching the news tonight about the plane crash in NY I was hoping no pets were in cargo.
Anywaaaaaay, I don't think death is scary. it's just another dimension...but let me just say right now I'm not ready to go yet!

As far as your calling, it will come to you. Why don't you do what I do...go to people's houses and medicate their pets for them? You don't have to be a tech to do that. These folks are sent home with medication and they don't give it to the pets because they don't know how, or they don't want to be the bad guy. What happens? Fifi doesn't get better and nobody wins. I'll send you one of my brochures if you'd like to see what it says. Then all you have to do is let the vets know you want to help their patients get the 'at home care' they need. It's right up your alley missy! You ca always, always email me or call me with questions!

It will come to you in a lightbulb moment, whatever it is.

Feel better. And like Mim said...water water water!

Debra Kay said...

Lolo-I would love to see one of your brochures. I would like to be paid to visit people with my pets-but that is the realm of the volunteers, and THOSE groups are kind of cliquish and snooty.

studio lolo said...

I'll put one in the mail today!
I feel you have so much to offer by helping people and animals.

Mim said...

How're ya feeling Debs? See what I mean about starbucks? maybe that's why they're all laughing at me - I point and say the wrong words...