It's been crazy in my head and my life these past few weeks. Like many people, I carry tension in my stomach and intestines (which is probably better than in your heart). In a New Year's resolution, I started taking all my vitamins, including calcium, not realizing the Prilosec I take has calcium in it, as well as the cheese I eat a lot of, many of the protein drinks....I got backed up to an epic, never before experienced level. And let me just say, that sucks. It drains energy, makes you feel slugged out and depressed.
It took me forever to realize that I wasn't depressed, I was full of shit. People have been telling me that for years, and it was true. Getting that taken care of took several days and multiple enemas-I didn't want to use harsher methods because that just sets you up for another cycle of the same.
While I was backed up I was also throwing up-(this has happened once before, pre weight loss surgery) so the Prozac wasn't going down-so then I became REALLY depressed. Does anyone remember that funny joke that went around a few years ago-the gist of it was, if you don't shit you'll die, so assholes rule the world? It isn't so funny when it happens to you.
On a cosmic note, I decided this was the physical manifestation of my hanging on too many things-and I've started cleaning up and letting go again.
The only other great insight I've had lately is this: I was watching the Nat Geo show on the moment of death, and how the very definition of death has changed with technology. During the mandatory section on the afterlife, I realized that religion is largely divided into two sections-HERE and THERE, and much of what rules HERE depends on what you think is going to happen THERE, and who you believe, and it's all a big construction of whatever we think or have been told. Ok, I say we, I personally don't spend a great deal of time thinking about how my actions today will affect my afterlife, maybe I should, but I don't.
At the moment I felt Uncle John leave, it wasn't a bad thing at all. It was the metaphysical equivalent of him walking out a door to someplace he was looking forward to being. I remember thinking "wow, what's the fuss about?" and I've spoken with several people who have had the same experience.
So (drumroll please for the insight) maybe Death is more meaningful to the living than the person actually dying. Certainly all the rigamaroll after the death occurs is. I have more of an understanding now that the funeral folderol is about honoring LIFE than honoring death, and I'm more open minded about it. I still find some parts creepy, but to each his own.
I do wish I could get the physical worked out so I could go back to work on the mental and actually begin to produce income again. But I also have a strong feeling that that will all work out in time and when the right thing comes along, I'll know it. I've explored everything lately from farrier (the first thing I ever wanted to be) to barista at Starbucks. Nothing strikes me as something I'd like to do for any length of time. It will be interesting to see what I become.