Had the bright idea of just going down to Mom and Dad's in the evening and not interrupting either of our days. They were apparently having a bad day (missed a doctor appointment day-showed up a day early and waited awhile before being told).
I thought to change the subject by telling them some plans I had made for Thanksgiving and how it to make it easier. Mom got offended because I said I'd find things for the kids to do, and they both piled into me for my housekeeping and my failure to display the snakes last Thanksgiving. I got hurt and mad before I could disengage myself....finally did a "I'm leaving now" and stomped out.
And the rub of it all, is the reason for the bad day (appointment trouble) is part of the reason why I just can't leave. I had a fantasy where I gave the keys of the house to my brother and said "it's all yours, adios".
I know there is a solution that doesn't involve me losing all sense of who I am and what I want out of life or abandoning them to old age and doddery. But I honestly don't know how much more I can take. It's not even that the criticism is that biting or over anything major. But it's constant, constant, never ending, endless droning on and on. Nothing you ever do, nothing you will ever think of, any idea you will ever have-none of it will ever be good enough because you are not like us.
And I don't want to be like them-if I did, I would, but I don't. But why can't they just let that go and focus on the good things I am. That's what I do with them-it works pretty good up to a point. Hmmm, a why can't YOU statement...I hate those. Let's rephrase it-Why can't I just learn to let it go and focus on the good things they are?
I guess the real problem is I have no clue when it's coming or what is going to hurt. I was in a pretty upbeat hopeful mood when I went down today, so I thought I was well prepared for any onslaught. I was trying to get out when the veneer started to crack and my voice was strained but I just didn't make it to the door fast enough.
Now, on the good side of things, I recover much more quickly than I used to. A swipe that hurt that bad would have put me out for a few days last year. Now I'm calming down and almost ready to move on. But I also have consider what that movement needs to be.
Cue Cate Blanchett from Lord of the Rings "Do we leave them to their fate, do we let them stand alone?"
Fuck no. But I do have to figure out how to do it without losing so much of myself in the bargain or I really AM going to end up being the crazy lady who stays behind closed doors with her animals all the time.
I'm usually really good at self preservation too, but the people closest to us live in the place where there are no defenses. I think I need to build an emotional holding pen for my parents where I can look after them but they can't hurt me.