Friday, February 12, 2010


I realize I haven't been writing because I hate talking about physical pain.  If I am having it-it takes all my focus to deal with it.  If I am not having it-I don't want to think about it.

A week or so ago I would have been content just to find a position where I could lie still and not be in total agony.  Aching was ok, just stop the agony.  Now I've progressed to the point that I want to walk and sit.  I know, I'm never happy.

I feel good enough to start feeling antsy-but if I stay up too long I have to stretch back out to relax those muscles.  I want to feel good again, and then I feel very guilty for wanting that.  A young mother I know died a few weeks ago-I'm sure she'd take my body, agony and all.

So, I feel guilty for not liking physcial pain.  I feel frustrated for not being able to leap up and do the things I want to do.  I distract myself for a little bit, then I feel guilty for the time I've "wasted" by distracting myself.

I'm frustrated there is no timetable for "better", then I feel guilty because at least I know I will get better, and some people won't.  It's just one big cycle of real pain and self inflicted mental pain. 



soulbrush said...

it's the mental pain which hurst the most. i am sending you a cyber bag of roasted peanuts, bowl of hot spicy curry, some red roses and a porn movie (there i got you to smile) and lots of hugs to feel better real soon.

kj said...

deb, pain is horrible. there is no glory in thinking you should be able to ignore it. i hope you feel alittle better each day, that you take it easy and let your body heal the way it wants to.

i hope you are getting help with the animals.

and i hope you know your friends are thinking about you, wishing they were nearby.

Debra Kay said...

I think it is a vestige of mother hood-seeing one's mother in pain is very upsetting to children-at least so I've always thought.

Casper is in a full care facility-I did go worm him the other day but he's a good boy. The rest of the kids are all mine to care for-they are helping me by being fairly orderly-and I'm grateful. Moon and Molly will stand still and let me lean on them when I need to bend down-that always makes me tear up a bit when they do that.

At first it was really hard-I wouldn't finish feeding before 8 or 9 and then and only then would I eat something myself.

Now we are all getting fed in a timely manner and I can sit up for a bit. It IS normal to not be able to sit down for this kind of injury-so while it's perplexing-it's not that uncommon.

There really IS no one to help with the dogs and I want to keep them in a pack-it's important right now to Solo's development. So, you do what you have to do, and I'm sure the experience of working together to get fed and stay alive will bond us.

The toughest part was when we were snowed in and the kibble was in the car. I had to hack up frozen meat like in the wilderness-I felt like Kathy Bates in Misery. The dogs enjoyed that part very much (the eating of the flesh, not the hacking).

I do know this experience will give me new appreciation for exercise, and my ankle is enjoying not being the weakest link....

studio lolo said...

It sounds to me like you should be getting some kind of physical therapy rehab blah blah blah. (I added that because I know I'm not giving new advice.) But you may have serious skeletal damage or disk trauma, etc. Tailbones support a lot of our weight during our days and get no credit.
Don't try to do this alone Deb, even the healing part.
If I was there I'd be part of the pack in a heartbeat ;)


Debra Kay said...

Bones really are fine-I had Xrays. I don't do the chiropracter-I have tried them before and they tend to hand out more pain than they cure.

It really is the two balls of muscle that make up the buttocks-I never realized that those things were actually muscle before....LOL.

I do get appreciably better each day_ kind of have a baseline that gets stretched a little more each day. As long as I look at the progress, I'm fine. Looking at how far I have to go, and thinking about the time I've lost-that's what makes me nuts.

Marion said...

I'm so sorry you are in this kind of pain, Debra. Massage therapy is good for those two balls of muscles in the buttocks...might hurt during the doing, but ever so much better afterwards.

It's so difficult for me to be patient during an injury...I want to push recovery each and every time.

I'm glad you are slowly getting better.

Teri and the cats of Furrydance said...

Physical pain leads to mental anguish and that too is debilitating. I have had a very healthy year and am glad, as the cats depend on me and I wouldn't be a very happy solo sick one, a bit scary to think about, too. Healing takes time, but sometimes needs assistance...don't put that off.

Snowbrush said...

You're lurking? Oh, good. At least there's that.

I NEVER feel guilty about wanting to be out of pain. Wow. I guess the possibility never even occurred to me, so maybe I shouldn't have read this entry. At least, I'll know who to blame if I develop a NEW problem about feeling guilty that I don't want to hurt.

Yes, the self-inflicted mental pain is the worst, especially the fear that I could be THIS fucked-up for years and years, and maybe for the rest of my life.