I realize I haven't been writing because I hate talking about physical pain. If I am having it-it takes all my focus to deal with it. If I am not having it-I don't want to think about it.
A week or so ago I would have been content just to find a position where I could lie still and not be in total agony. Aching was ok, just stop the agony. Now I've progressed to the point that I want to walk and sit. I know, I'm never happy.
I feel good enough to start feeling antsy-but if I stay up too long I have to stretch back out to relax those muscles. I want to feel good again, and then I feel very guilty for wanting that. A young mother I know died a few weeks ago-I'm sure she'd take my body, agony and all.
So, I feel guilty for not liking physcial pain. I feel frustrated for not being able to leap up and do the things I want to do. I distract myself for a little bit, then I feel guilty for the time I've "wasted" by distracting myself.
I'm frustrated there is no timetable for "better", then I feel guilty because at least I know I will get better, and some people won't. It's just one big cycle of real pain and self inflicted mental pain.