Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Wall eyed fit

Ok, I’m indulging in self pity and comparing my life to other people’s. It was kind of neat to rehab John’s wreck of a condo and then stage it all and sell it and have this nice outcome. I know it’s something he wanted to do because he had some of the “fix’er up stuff” stowed around the place. But that’s what I wanted to do with the house on Lucerne and it never happened for me. I drove by, on the off chance it was for sale, and it was pretty much as I left it, but my privet bush and my Wisteria tree looked great. I burst into tears.

Now, I have a good life, I know this. And I also know we don’t get all our dreams, believe me, I know that. But today, it really bothered me that I could do for someone else what I couldn’t do for myself. Now John definitely is better off in the money department, but the real issue with the house on Lucerne was I was overwhelmed and didn’t know where to begin. I think John pretty much had the same issue with his condo, and I did at first too. But I was able to overcome that, but not for myself.

And for some reason, looking for a place to live depresses the crap out of me because I can’t find exactly what I want for what I want to pay and then I feel all picked on.

Even the Scotty poses a problem-I could almost make it in a flat condo-but now I have the Scotty to park as well. Returning to my roots apparently comes with a price.

And what is this sudden urge to own a home of my own (other than the fact I get tired of having to hide the true dog population).

I’m feeling abandoned again-that is part of it. John is “leaving” and Sue is leaving for Florida and in the end they are all going to go and I am going to be left alone-the old nightmare from my youth.

How much of this is spring fever/angst, cabin fever from being hampered for several months and how much of it is good old midlife crisis? What would Jane Goodall do? What would Scotty do? What will Deb do?

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