Learning

I am learning to grab moments when I can because there just aren't going to be big blocks of time for awhile.  I am learning to relish even a small joy, because that one tiny thing may be the thing that sustains you.  And, I am learning, really learning the true value of rest and not waiting till you just shut down completely before you rest.  In racing it's called pacing yourself.

I am also learning that pacing yourself is not a shortcoming.  Doing what you can do and then resting when you need to is actually more productive than allowing yourself to be so overwhelmed that nothing gets done at all.

Technology is such a double edged sword.  It keeps us in touch with people-but it can also result in telling and retelling each thing that happens to us.  I think it can keep us bogged down in yesterday's sadness or even yesterday's joy.  Yet, the passing on of knowledge and experience is what makes us human, at least in part.

I'm becoming interested in art again, in writing, maybe even painting or drawing.  I'm going to a painting thing in a couple of weeks-one of those painting party things where you paint a pet (and drink wine).  I'm looking forward to it.

It's been very hard to get back into the idea of being social again.  I kept up with flyball practice all through Mom and Dad's illnesses.  I just made up my mind it was the one thing I was going to hang on to-and I'm glad I did.  It kept me sane and my dogs sane-it was a good choice.  Training keeps you focused on the task and in the moment-always a good thing.  But I also need to venture into a little soul searching and abstract thought-a little bit at a time.

I am also working on my own health.  I finally went to see a doctor and was diagnosed with both osteo and rheumatoid arthritis.  I knew one or the other was coming-wasn't expecting both but I had premade the decision to start a immune suppressing drug if that was what was indicated-and it was.  I was not prepared for the feeling of doom this created.  After a few weeks I feel so much better and hopeful that I feel my decision was correct-I'd rather have less time but be able to move freely.  It was a quality of life choice and now that I can get around better I'm happy with the choice. 

So, there is life left within me still.  Mom is doing well and is very happy in her new home and I am ever so grateful it's what she wanted and not something I had to decide.  The rest of life is just continuing to unfold-but I'm looking forward to each thing as it comes-and learning not to label it-just letting it be what it is.  Too bad someone already wrote that song.

Another step

Mom moved into assisted living today.  It's a nice place and she's wanted to go there for several years now-so the experience was not anywhere near as bad as it could have been.  That said, there was a finality to it all that was sobering to us both, and I'm sure scary.

She doesn't really know what the rest of her life will be-I don't know what the rest of her life will be, nor what mine is going to look like either.  Yes yes, none of us do, but typically we have a greater illusion of knowing than we do at the moment, and at THIS moment, I miss my illusion.

But mostly, I think we are both just exhausted.  I came home, cut Solo's nails and went to sleep for a couple of hours.  I woke up to let the dogs out, will eat something, put the dogs up and go back to bed.  Tomorrow I'll spend time in my home for the first time in months-then go do some picture hanging at Mom'/s new digs.  Then I'll get ready to go back to work on Thursday.

So Mom is in a new place, Dad is in the ground (and a stream) and I'll just take things one step at a time because the only long term plan I could come up with at the moment would be to go catatonic.

More for me than anything else

I am writing this just to write it down.  Dad died on September 11 and it happened pretty much as I told him it would-he got more and more tired, went to sleep, didn't wake up.  He didn't appear to suffer much and I am grateful for that.

Two weeks later Mom had a stroke.  If she had been home, she would have likely died.  I was out of town, and my brother, who had spent the weekend with her had left.  No one would have found her until Monday morning and it would have been too late.  But it wasn't.  She made a full recovery, however recovered still requires assistance.

I've been home with her while we wait for a room to become available at the assisted living facility.  She's wanted to go there for a couple of years, and while I'm not thrilled with the circumstance it is what she wants and I am grateful for that.

I'm tired.  The only 24 hour period I've had to myself was the day before Mom had her stroke.  It was a good day though and I'm grateful for that.

Trying to summarize the past months into a few paragraphs is futile.  There have been other tragedies, losses, trials and tribulations because life just doesn't give you a pass when you have bigger stuff going on.  I've coped by taking each thing as it happens, and deliberately not thinking too far ahead.  I've tried to spend more time in the present.  I try to spend a lot of time looking at things from Mom's point of view.

Every spare moment is either spent sleeping or training my dogs.  There aren't that many, but I'm grateful for the ones I have.

62 Years

Today is my parent's 62 wedding anniversary.  It will be their last.

The frantic days of diagnosis and getting things in place are gone.  There really wasn't a window of time to get things in place before the folks got confused and forgetful, so I'm glad I did it.  They recognize and trust the people who come in to care for Dad.  It sounds like a team, but it's not.  It's a nurse once a week, a home health aide 3 times a week, and me daily for feeding and cleaning.  A neighbor's pastor comes over once a week to visit, and I appreciate that as well.

Daddy asked me a few weeks ago "How will this kill me" and I really didn't know what to say.  I said "You will sleep more and more and then one day you won't wake up."  He was quiet for a minute and said "that doesn't sound so bad."

The truth is, if he's lucky, he will starve to death before the cancer takes hold somewhere that would lead to a more unpleasant death.  So many ways to die.

I take his vital signs each day and watch him slowly waste away, his blood pressure and blood sugar fall.  When my stomach prolapsed a few years ago I was near death and didn't even realize it, and as I recall it wasn't unpleasant-but of course I didn't know I was dying.  Still, I can say for certain starving to death doesn't actually hurt, which is good to know.

I think we actually fear pain more than we fear death.  I know I do.  But years of looking after daddy, standing through crisis and staring down death and saying "go away" makes it all the more frustrating to not be able to do that any longer.  It's hard to give up.  It's hard knowing what will happen, but not knowing exactly when.  It's hard acting like I know exactly what I am doing because that seems to comfort Mom and Dad.

I miss my life.  I miss tournaments and training and caring about how fast my dogs run.  I still go to practice on Sundays with my pup-letting him get behind would only create more grief when the day comes I care about these things again.  I work the adults at home to keep them in shape, and we train silly tricks and such.  That really has nothing to do with caring about racing-I still do care very much about my dogs, who are working dogs and must work.

Actually I sat down and made the decision that that is the part of life my life I would keep throughout this.  A little anchor to find my way back when this was all done.  I think that is one of the ways dogs look out for US-reminding us that life goes on, the dog must be fed.

I worry about Mom-she really doesn't have that anchor.  Her husband of 62 years will die, she will move (her choice) and then what?  She faces as much unknown as Daddy does by dying.  A death of her life as she knows it.

But, today we will hang out and watch TV and just be together.  That's really all we have left to do.

Bobbing Along

I love the Taoist proverb about the old man being swept down the river.  He washes up on shore and two bystanders ask how he fought the mighty river.  He replied "I did not fight.  I just held my breath when my head was under water, and breathed deeply when I my head was above."

I remind myself of this often, and more than often in the past week.  Daddy got his feeding tube installed, had several scans and I had a medication review with his primary doctor to try and figure out what he was supposed to be taking.

Then we had the results meeting with the oncologist to tell us what we already knew.  It is terminal and there is no treatment available.

Then I spent a lot of time on the phone with different home health agencies, some ok, some not so ok.  For instance, some will tell you medicare does not pay for X, when in fact they don't pay THAT particular agency for X.  I finally gave up on being nice and told the last person I talked to which hospice to refer me to because that's what I wanted to do, and things began to unfold rather smoothly after that.  Most likely because I had sense enough to pick an organization that already worked with Dad's healthcare benefits.

As with Uncle John, I still suffer from random anger at how people take advantage of people who are upset and don't know or question.  Hospice seems to suffer less from that than home health care, so if you are fortunate enough to be in the last 6 months of your life you may not ever have to deal with this.

As you might suspect, it's a little more delicate with two living parents.  I have to support both emotionally, and that includes being firm and sometimes just being the person that gets vented at.  I'm getting really good at disassociating and just allowing myself to not be the daughter being growled at but being a friendly listener letting an upset person vent.

I'm also getting good at feeding tubes and shots.  I've never actually dealt with a feeding tube on a human before and the only human I had previously given a shot to was myself, but the skill set transfers pretty easily.

It's amazing what and how quickly people can accept things.  The tube I thought was going to be a huge ordeal and it's just not.  And it's helping.  His color is better, he's more alert and his vital signs are more stable.  It's a temporary victory, but it will buy us a little time to do whatever else it is we need to do.

I'm juggling as best I can work and the end of my father's life.  I will hang on to work as long as I can, and go back as quickly as I can when I have to set it aside.  Death has a way of making you feel incompetent, and I need work to give me that boost.  And it pays the bills.

I'm a raw feeder (for the dogs) but they are on kibble until I'm not doing medical stuff.  That made me a little sad, and then it made me sadder to realize it's only for a couple of months.  Most things make me sad right now.  Even having a happy thought can make suddenly burst into tears.  It's the emotional version of the river-cry when you can, hold it back when you can't.  It' keeps you from drowning in a river of tears.

Tail Spin

This year has not turned out as planned, but then when do they ever?

Life is challenging right now.  I went for a routine eye check in  January and found out I had pretty significant cataracts in my left eye-when there were none in September.  I went back last week and while I already knew the left eye was worse, I found out the right eye was starting up too.  So, in a few months I'll get myself some bionic eyes.  It's not a big surgery and the eye doctor assures me it doesn't mean my body is rapidly deteriorating-it's just one of those sucky things that happens sometimes.  My cataracts are over achievers.

This was on Thursday.  The day before I learned my father has esophageal cancer, also an over achieving kind and there isn't likely much more time for him.  They are putting a feeding tube in on Tuesday, we are going all over town for boatloads of tests and on Friday we'll sit down with the oncologist and talk about what is best for my father, and for my mother.  Mother has had her own difficulties and is finding walking and daily living a struggle too.

I'm juggling work, which I have to do, Mother, who is frail and losing her husband, and my father who is losing his life.

I think a lot about lessons learned from Uncle John-who taught me how to do all of these end of life things.  I really didn't expect such a difficult final exam-but I'm going to give it my best shot.

I thought of telling John he had Parkinson's just as I was telling Daddy he has cancer.  It's both a horrible thing to have to do and such an honor, if you can call it that, to share that moment.  I'm trying to look at all of this as an honor.  I'm sure I got that concept from the Tibetan Book of the Dead or some place, but I like it and i'm going to use it..

My mind is kind of swirly right now-deep thoughts and then a silly notion will just surface.  I'm trying to stay focused when I need to, meditate when I can, and laugh as often as humanly possible.  Death is serious stuff, but you can't let it stop you from living.  My father was telling me about our neighbor who came over and when he heard the news he almost cried.  I blurted out "well your not dead yet" and we all giggled.  But it's true, he's not.  There are still things left to do.

I heard him say "I love your Mother" for the first time.  First time as in first time ever.  It's always been understood, but it seems now is the time to speak things.  So, I'll keep my ears and eyes open.  That was my vow to Uncle John, not to look away.  And I won't look away now either.

Of course, the fact that I'm slowly going blind may complicate things.  Oi VEY.  Is it whining to say sometimes it's hard to be me?

The Bigger Picture is Snowy

I can't believe how bogged down I am in the day to day.  The bigger picture seems to elude me.  But, I will keep trying.

Groundhog Day

Snowing. Snowing. And more snow on the way Tuesday....and Thursday....and Friday. Ho hum. And my throat hurts again. Ok, time to pretend that I'm living in the north and I'm used to this and may, in fact like it. Yes. Well, I do like my BOGS, my paisley mucking boots, a lot. So I will get to wear them and and my feet will be warm and toast and there is that. I completed my 30 day journal and for February I am going to do a daily sketch in a sketchbook journal. Hopefully the sketch will speak for itself, and if I look back and can't remember then it probably wasn't worth remembering, I am not going to label it with anything but the date. My January theme of Reimagining things was pretty helpful in several situations. Did it change my life-well no, but that is usually something that happens in books and movies. For February I am going to remind myself to see the bigger picture. I am almost certain that I tend to ratchet down my vision to too many details and often lose a lot in tunnel vision. Blogger really hates my browser, I am going to have to do something about that.

Imagine breathing

I tried to reimagine this cold I've had for the past week into something else. I did decide I could reframe it as a much needed rest, however inability to breathe or sleep didn't allow for much actual rest. One thing age may have taught me is to not ignore an illness and just press on with your life. That works well in your 20's where it's possible to push past it. In your 50's you just push yourself into pneumonia. I did go the doctor on the second day, get a shot, some good sulfa drugs and some codeine laden cough syrup. Turns out I am allergic to the syrup but didn't discover it until my cough settled down enough for the OTC stuff to take over. I honestly have to confess-I was disappointed in myself for getting sick. I've been rocking the clean eating and I actually believed I'd be immune to all the crud going around. I know.....but I had that notion. I'm still eating clean and will just focus on how rapidly all the fruits and veggies will combine to rebuild my health. So, for re-imagination purposes, I am not recovering from a bad upper respiratory infection, I am doing an early spring cleaning of my lungs!

Re Imagine That

I couldn't wrap my head around a really good way to use Reimagine this month, so I came up with this....Whenever I am stressed about something I ask myself how I can reimagine it. I think it's a little bit like the old cognitive therapy shtick where you challenge your self defeating thoughts. But, it does seem t work. I usually think of some solution, or sometimes I just think I'll think about it later. Tonight I wanted sushi. I'm doing a weekday vegetarian diet, but on the weekends I eat a little meat or fish. (I got THAT idea from watching a TED lecture.) Back to the sushi. My budget does not afford weekly 20 dollar dinners and I had sushi last week. I KNOW I can't make sushi, but then I thought about reimagining something I had on hand. So, I took some nicely smoked salmon, topped it with a little sour cream, and then spread that on some nori (dried seaweed snacks.) It's not pretty rolled sushi, but it tastes delicious and that's what I wanted tonight, something in my stomach that tasted like sushi. When I'm at the store, considering a purchase, I ask myself if I have something else at home that would serve the same purpose. I'm pretty good at reimagining household stuff and rigging up dog training equipment from what I have on hand. I'm pretty sure making it all a game rather than a resolution or a task has helped me stay with it. I'm working on reimagining my hatred of grapefruit. I'm doing it not because I think grapefruit is essential, I'm just curious to see if I can really change my mind and tastebuds about something. So far the grapefruit is sitting on the cabinet and I've worked up to speaking to it in a pleasant tone of voice. Baby steps.

Happy New Year!

It's been over a year since I've posted. Blogger has changed a bit. I considered starting a new blog, more focused and less free form. Instead, I think I'll just take this blog in a new direction. One of the themes of the season is renewal. I love new beginnings. I love them so much I'm afraid I begin new things all the time, often without finishing something else. I am easily seduced by possibilities. Possibilities are untainted by reality, hard work or sub par results. My mindset lately has been on incremental change. So, when my mind turned to New Year's resolutions I got the idea for a monthly resolution rather than something for the entire year. (Fear not, I have my year long list as well, but that is not for this.) Since I also have wanted to return to blogging I decided to combine the two. So, my focus for this blog for this year will be centered around the monthly theme. I'm not going to back myself into quota for posts or a format beyond that. For January, my theme is "Reimagine" In a few minute I'm going to hop on my exercise bike and ride a 5k. Why? Well, because my leg isn't up to a 5k running or walking at the moment, but I want to support a friend who has cancer and is running 5k with her husband since she can't go to a group run as she would like. She can go to the group, and I can't run more than 100 feet, but by reimagining what we want, we'll be able to do something that is life building and sustaining. Reimagination (apparently not a real word) is a powerful thing. It can turn a picture frame into a shelf, a bathtub into a planter, and it can turn what you can't do into something you can. I am exciting about exploring this idea this month.

Popping In

I actually came by to delete the blogs, but am apparently not ready. I would not delete without contacting those of you I still think of fondly-I'm not that kind of girl.

Life has progressed. I'm working in a day job now, and that leaves time for my dogs and looking after my folks a bit. Not like I'd like to (for either dogs or folks) but somebody has to pay the bills and I suppose it's me.

This morning I took a much needed sleep in a bit/drink coffee break-but even that has to be punctuated with chores. Laundry must be done, dishes washed, and things sorted out for the week ahead. But I'm at least trying to do it in a relaxed manner, and I"m also vowing not to reach the end of the day and chide myself for wasting time.

I went from not working to knocking down 60 plus hours a week for awhile and that is not how I would recomend doing it. I'm trying to tip the balance back to a sedate 45-50 as a general rule and save the 60's for extreme circumstances. I took the job in part because it would be a challenge, and I'm delighted at how many skills I've acquired during my time off.

Accounting is the same, computers are the same-but working with my dogs and working with my old folks has given me a whole new insight on how to manage the people side of things. In training-we "proof" our dogs against certain stimulus-and I have passed the proof test for one of my achilles heals; namely, the "I will do it" sydnrome. I now realize the answer to all a job's issues is not "Deb will do it" and I'm really good about saying "yes, I will, what would you like me to set aside in order to accomodate this request?"

I honestly think my brain is happier working both sides of it now, and my body is getting a better work out too-so sometimes a little more is better. The more I have to do, the more I get done. The trick is knowing what you have to do and what you can let slide.

Another mind trick I am working on is not apologizing for what I let slide, unless it negatively impacts someone else.

These are all things I've learned from working with my amazing dogs, who are the best counselors on the planet.

I am going to make it a point to pop in once a week just to write. I'm not going to mess with trying to update and instead just do this-train of thought for the moment I log in. Actually, that is probably more telling than writing down a list of current events.....buahahaahaaaaaa.

Apropo of Nothing

This summer Solo and I took a Film Stars class where he practiced looking handsome......

And posing for product endoresements.

He really lapped up the attention-and the powerade.

Looks can Deceive

These little guys are cunning-and there are three of them on the shelf.  The tail to the right does not belong to the head to the left.

I spent several days chasing them and putting them back in their cage only to rinse and repeat.  I finally gave up and put them n a different cage until they get a little bigger.

The culprits are baby peach faced love birds.  Their peach will become more vibrant and the black on their beaks will fade-earlier in the week the beaks were completely black.

I know this in part because I spend a lot of time looking at them after I catch them.

My aunt gave me two adult females and these three babies-the hope is one is a male.  I don't know how to tell-but the birds do so that is all that really matters.

I'm all righ

Little ground hog dancing scene from Caddy Shack.  Storms to the north of me-storms to the south-nothing in the middle with me.  Whoops-didn't get me did you Mother Nature?  Not this kitty.

It is considered poor form to gloat if your house didn't get blown away because someone else's did-but oh yeah-safe again.  Really does celebrating MY good fortune have to mean I'm happy about your misfortune?   Those storms were a nasty business but not only am I extremely GRATEFUL that I didn't get hit-I'm pretty stinking happy about it too.

I think sometimes we get bogged down in the frightful spectacle of what could have happened, and what did happen to other people-and forget to do the happy dance for the fact it didn't happen to us.  Not me-I'm happy.  I bet there would be less PSTD in the world if people would focus not on the what almost happened but on the DIDN'T part.

I also think people who are suffering from "survivor's guilt" are looking for control they don't have and will never have.  You don't get to choose which house the twister drops on-so if you are feeling guilty I think you need to get over yourself and go out and help someone who did get hit.

The Non-Native Okies are particularly shook up.  My advice is if you are going to live here the sooner you learn to cope with it the better.  The weather is not going to change.  Well, that isn't true-in Oklahoma it changes every few minutes.

I'm not mocking Mother Nature either-Death always wins in the end-I'm just celebrating my temporary victory....wooo hooooo hoooo!












 

A Day Off

I've been going balls to the wall since before I left for Missouri and my body just aches all over.  It's all been fun-well most of it, but I am sitting today out-at least trying to stay on the computer and avoid heavy lifting, running, etc.  We'll see how that goes.

I think that's part of life-learning to balance between working hard AND resting...both are valid activities-but no one slaps you on the back for resting.  Maybe they SHOULD.  We should all approve when someone says "I'm resting today".

I bought myself a python for mother's day.  He's currently in the "ignore him and let him get used to new surroundings" phase of things.  It's hard to do, and boring-but it means he'll eat well and set up for a good life (barring virus's, power outages etc).  I said never again after the last virus outbreak-but life is just like that.  Things don't always work out.

Life with animals is really like that.  I'm never going to get happy with the death of an animal but I think I've reached the point where it doesn't cripple me like it used to.  I grieve freely and move on-no sense in letting grief get in the way of an otherwise good day.

I know part of my activity  burst is my way of dealing with the daughter/granddaughter thing (no news, I've been duped again, oh well).  I'm ok with that as long as it doesn't get over the top and is basically good productive activity.  I think the difference between manic behavior and good old fashioned avoidance is a matter of degree. 

I'll be the first to admit I've used upset in the past as an oh what the hell excuse to do something hair brained I've actually been contemplating for a long time.   I'm still up for hair brained occasionally-I think we all need to scratch that wild hair sometimes.  But not today.  Today I just want to put my feet up and sip coffee.

I really want to journey to P-town again.  I missed going to Sedona for two weeks because my father was ill-but for some reason I have no desire to try to do that again right now.  The moment has passed and I need ocean not cactus.  It's not likely to happen this year though-I want summer ocean and I'm not able to journey much more than I've already planned.

Mom and Dad went to California alone and it was good for us both.  They are in the awkward stage of really needing someone around, but not all the time.  As the "someone" it's kind of a thankless task-since no one even acknowledges it. 

For awhile I let that be my role in life-perpetual helper-and I will always be that for my parents.  I have decided everyone else needs to at least acknowledge my efforts or I will quietly go find someone who will.  For my part, I always say thank you, and usually more than once when someone helps me out.

This is a pretty low energy post-remember-I'm resting today.  

Missouri and weird weather

Solo and I went to Missouri for four days with a friend and her border collie for a border collie seminar.  We had great fun and learned a lot-first vacation type thing I have had in over a year.  I savored every moment.

Yesterday, home again, I worked at an agility trial for the Irish Setter National Specialty.   I started out freezing cold, shivering and miserable and ended the day with fewer clothes and uncomfortably hot.  That's Oklahoma weather for you.  I still haven't planted the garden because we shoot up to the nineties and then down to near freezing again.  My garden will be late but I'd rather plant it just one time-and really-there is NO deadline.

I missed my moleskinne art project deadline-oh well.  The things I did instead of doing that were at the time more important and mostly related to helping other people out.  I am learning to realize sometimes missed deadlines ARE a choice, but if I am ok with the choice I need not beat myself up about it.

I am much better about saying "no" in general-but I am not going to not help someone who is injured or ill because I need to write in my moleskinne for an art project.  I vaguely believe that good deeds come back to you in a good way-so maybe my next project will be really awesome or something.

My body is pretty tired though-I was tired when I left for Missouri, tired when I came home and I'm tired today.  BUT I'm meeting someone to work with their border collie puppy so I guess I will rest tomorrow.  At least I'm sleeping well and the weather has been so bizarre I've skipped my usual spring insomnia.

I always find a silver lining-and I'm ok with that.

Nothing New

CPS has been notified and of course can tell me nothing.  My daughter checked in every few days for awhile but that has fallen off too.  In the meantime I'm staying busy. 

I have an office sharing thing going on at a local dog training facility.  I watch the place so that the owner can have some free time in return for a place where I can work on writing and work my dog.  It's been nice.

She had a nasty break-literally.  She broke her wrist so I've been there quite a lot lately and it's probably been the best thing for me.  Having to be somewhere and be somewhat together has kept me from brooding.  Ok, it hasn't stopped me from brooding entirely, but it has helped.

I've got other stuff going on as well, though nothing as dramatic.  After our December scare-both parents have stayed fairly healthy.  I was worn out from that (Daddy almost died) until my daughter pops in with her daughter....oi.

When you give a horse medicine, you sometimes pinch their lips so they don't notice the shot or the nasty tasting stuff you are feeding them.  Trouble is a bit like that as well-new trouble at least distracts you from the old trouble.

 I was cleaning out the garage today and out of no where fell a package of photos from 1988 that belonged to Uncle John.  I had a long cry over them.  It was shots of where he hung out with his work buddies, his work place (they were on a project that was developing a wheel chair that could climb stairs) and his new at that time condo.

The condo was clean and sparkling and he even had a window pot of flowers on his patio.  The beautiful trees I sat under when I was there taking care of things were little twigs in those photographs.  He had an old Black and White TV set between his two prized antique radios-ones I gave away when we moved him to Texas.

I sat in my garage with the garage door opened and looked at picture after picture and cried and cried.  First I cried because I was sad and miss John, followed by the usual bawl fest because his life ended so badly.  Then I cried for awhile because I was happy to see that the last few years were not his entire life-there were good parts that I didn't really know about.  The development lab that he loved, his work he was so proud of, his friends, his new condo.

Because I've been dealing with so much human carnage lately, it's easy to forget there is also some good stuff in life.  Those pictures reminded me of that.  Birth is probably traumatic (I don't remember) and death can be icky too.  The part in between-that's life baby-and it's worth having.

Thanks for reminding me Uncle John.

I took some neat pictures today but they are still in the camera.  Here's a funny one I took a week or so ago.

This is a collage I made from shots of Solo and the love of his life-the tennis ball.

Ok here it is

I really don't like posting cryptic stuff and no one but friends read this any way....so here goes.

I may have my grandchild (who I have never met) as a resident for a time.  Child protective services is involved and I am not sure if it will happen, if so when, or for how long.  I know she is 5 years old and her name is Zoey.

In a nut shell, my daughter asked and I said yes.  I even thought about it before saying yes, but it all became overwhelming to think about so I just said yes.  I know I think too much sometimes, and sometimes I don't think enough.  But this was a pretty clear YES situation.


So, while working through my fledgling business, what I want to be when I grow up, failing finances.....I am trying to figure out to incorporate a 5 year old into the mix.  Daddy almost died last December-but he's still here and so is Mom.  Clearly the universe is telling me it's not time to head out on the rowdy road or go on Safari.


I bounce between being excited, scared, angry and combos of all the above.  That said I do enjoy situations where action is clearly needed and I am the one who must act.  I spend so much time in life's little grey areas, that a nice shot of clarity is refreshing.

I also gave up cussing and video games for lent and with this new development my head may explode-but I've not played a video game and I only owe 12.00 to the cuss jar.

I'm still here

In a  bit of transition of a transition-and can't speak much of it now.  It's big and earth shattering (for me) and I really despise people who do what I am doing now but know I'm still around and will share when I can.

This may be the most frightening, daring, heartbreaking thing yet....like in all my life EVER.  If it comes to pass it will be because it is suppose to be-and I have no regrets about sticking my neck on the line because it was clearly the right choice.  Notice I didn't say "I had no choice"....I'm owning the choice right up front too.  Yay me.

Now excuse please while I go back into the fetal position for awhile longer.