Tomorrow, which will be today when you read it, I'm sitting at the hospital with Daddy while Mom has her second cataract surgery. So, I thought I'd write something today to post for tomorrow. The only trouble is, I seem to have run out of things to say and share.
And its not like there aren't many wonderful things going on in my life, I'm just having a little trouble enjoying them. Depression is such a nasty, ugly, insidious disease. It creeps up on you and sucks the life right out of you before you can realize what's going on. Then, when you realize, you have to fight back the depression that comes from realizing you are depressed (again). Talk about kicking someone when they are down.
My strategy has been to work each day on what I can do, and to let the bigger picture kind of fade into the background for awhile. I don't much feel like looking at the big picture, and so much of it is truly beyond my control. Lots of it makes me really pissed off. WHAT? Obama didn't solve the financial crisis in the first 8 days? What kind of moron thought that was even possible?
I worked my ass off for a Master's in Journalism, and am too disenchanted to use it. I don't ever want to be like those people, the ones I read every day. Too disenchanted to be an accountant, too disenchanted to be a compliance officer. I look at the classified and know I truly can not do those things ever again.
My father mentioned that wanted to be a pooper scooper was sinking pretty low, and I snapped back "Not as low as taking big money to look the other way....." How the hell did I get so moral in my old age?
With a gift for writing, I could spin numbers so that even auditors would sign off. Falsifying numbers is bad-but in the big grey sea of subjectivity, the ability to spin an idea is priceless. Yay me. But I never believe my own spin, and that's why I couldn't do it any more.
I feel like an hold has been/never was. I feel like I had the "American Dream" and pissed on it because I didn't like the rules. I'm afraid I'll end up a crazy cat lady.
While Mom prepared Sunday dinner, Daddy and I watched some sort of extreme building show where this fellow had spent 40 years hand building a castle out of found materials. His life's work. It did keep him going and in good shape, but he didn't seem very happy. He was angry at the government and angry at people who didn't understand his vision. If I do end up a crazy old coot, I hope I'm not an angry one.