Tomorrow, which will be today when you read it, I'm sitting at the hospital with Daddy while Mom has her second cataract surgery. So, I thought I'd write something today to post for tomorrow. The only trouble is, I seem to have run out of things to say and share.
And its not like there aren't many wonderful things going on in my life, I'm just having a little trouble enjoying them. Depression is such a nasty, ugly, insidious disease. It creeps up on you and sucks the life right out of you before you can realize what's going on. Then, when you realize, you have to fight back the depression that comes from realizing you are depressed (again). Talk about kicking someone when they are down.
My strategy has been to work each day on what I can do, and to let the bigger picture kind of fade into the background for awhile. I don't much feel like looking at the big picture, and so much of it is truly beyond my control. Lots of it makes me really pissed off. WHAT? Obama didn't solve the financial crisis in the first 8 days? What kind of moron thought that was even possible?
I worked my ass off for a Master's in Journalism, and am too disenchanted to use it. I don't ever want to be like those people, the ones I read every day. Too disenchanted to be an accountant, too disenchanted to be a compliance officer. I look at the classified and know I truly can not do those things ever again.
My father mentioned that wanted to be a pooper scooper was sinking pretty low, and I snapped back "Not as low as taking big money to look the other way....." How the hell did I get so moral in my old age?
With a gift for writing, I could spin numbers so that even auditors would sign off. Falsifying numbers is bad-but in the big grey sea of subjectivity, the ability to spin an idea is priceless. Yay me. But I never believe my own spin, and that's why I couldn't do it any more.
I feel like an hold has been/never was. I feel like I had the "American Dream" and pissed on it because I didn't like the rules. I'm afraid I'll end up a crazy cat lady.
While Mom prepared Sunday dinner, Daddy and I watched some sort of extreme building show where this fellow had spent 40 years hand building a castle out of found materials. His life's work. It did keep him going and in good shape, but he didn't seem very happy. He was angry at the government and angry at people who didn't understand his vision. If I do end up a crazy old coot, I hope I'm not an angry one.
3 comments:
debra kay, depression spread its blanket over everything. your way of thinking is right, not wrong, and your love of animals is good, not bad. lick the depression and you may see things quite differently. i know that's easier said than done but bottom line--you have such vibrancy and wisdom!
Journalism is falling by the wayside as most newspapers are losing readers and advertisers by the boatload. Most of the news will be online now, and sure we'll still need journalists for those stories. My husband has been in newspapers for about 20 years. Someone told him once that it's a young persons game.They were absolutely right! He's so sick of being chewed up and spit out and having the pressure of deadlines. So be proud of your degree and the hard work it took to get it, and work on your life story or a book about animals instead! Write from your heart like you do here, not for some moron editor who's cracking a whip and telling you what stories to write.
You know most of my life was scooping poop and I did okay! This world would be filled with giant piles if there weren't folks like you and me finding pride in the mundane chores that come with loving animals. Poop happens and we deal with it :)
If you end up as a crazy old coot I don't think you'll be angry. I do think you'll continue to voice your opinions though and you'll still have a fan section cheering you on!
While I'm staying at my Mom's house this week, I've been catching up on my stack of magazines. The January issue of O has lots of great info about reinventing yourself, etc. It has made me have a glimmer of hope that I might be able to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Or might might just be feeling hopeful because I'm away from the stress of my daily life. Who knows but I'm loving it. Check out O if you have a chance. Some really nice articles about finding what makes us happy by playing the game of you're getting warmer ... colder.
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