No matter what you choose

The body eventually gives out, and with it the spirit.  I'm exhausted and I want everyone to leave so I can take a nap....and I'm sure there are millions of others in the US who feel the same way.

And, I refuse to feel guilty because "we only get to see each other once a year"....."some people don't have families".....because none of that makes my aching bones and jangled nerves feel any better.

It's like the old saying-don't go away mad, just go away.

Thinner Still

Wow

Chaos

Kids, Old People, Food

Heaven or Hell-it's pretty much what you decide it is.

I'm choosing heaven-I've seen hell and it wasn't for me.

Gratitude and Love and Sleep on Friday Night

Let's just say I suck totally at sitting back and letting other people's failure to plan

Blow up in their face

But damn, I'm good in the trenches under fire

And for that I'm Thankful.

Deja Vu-oooooh

Beam Me Up Scotty: Shit  was the title of last year's Thanksgiving entry.  I really didn't need to look it up to remember what was going on last year.  Poor dear Uncle John didn't even know what the event was (dinner at his assisted living center) and shortly thereafter he was moved to the hospital and then the nursing home.  This Thanksgiving he's trying to die and will soon succeed.  I got a call Tuesday night that he had a fever and I had to decide whether or not to give antibiotics or not-antibiotics is not "extra ordinary" and I ordered them given.

His fever is down and he's resting, but it is not likely he'll wake up with any meaningful interaction and one day he won't wake up.  And selfishly (although he's in no pain) I prayed "Please don't die till after Thanksgiving"....because I have a huge amount of food and two old people who have placed bets on whether or not I'll really pull this lunch (that I didn't want to do) off.  Because I'm trying to redeem myself for being "antisocial" last Thanksgiving.  I'm just barely dealing with all the holiday pressure and arranging a funeral on top of that is just way too much.....so rest my dear, but please don't go.

How awful and how trivial of me to even think that way about someone I do dearly love.  And if he were in pain, I wouldn't even have the thought.  But I am one, finite being, since I haven't mastered the infinite all that well, and I can't be a hostess and an aunt and a executrix.  I AM human, and I do have needs too.  How bizarre is that to be planning the seating arrangements and get a casual call that amounts to "let him live or let him die?".

The antibiotics issue was one we left open at hospice, but faced with it, I had no doubt that I am not capable of issuing a death order (with hold them).  Which is strange, because I support euthanasia, but I cannot support inaction, though the result is the similar.

 

Today my brother and I will go visit and we will ponder questions of our own mortality-then go pick up tomorrow's Turkey and Ham and Pie.

Somewhere Uncle John knows I'm really not being selfish, just spread too thin and I really think he'll wait for me.  But if he doesn't, I'll understand too.

Two Thanksgivings ago it was just he and I in Dallas-we ate a lot and watched Emperor of the North and the football game....that's the one I will remember when all the fuss is over.

Animal Wednesday-Oliver Observes

I quite understand the obsession with possessions. I do not like it when someone messes with my toys, my toilet paper rolls or my food. BWAK. The nerve. But really-magazines and tv shows full of humans telling other humans what to do with all your stuff? Madness. If you need someone to tell you how to manage your stuff, maybe you have too much stuff.

And then this thing-this Thanksgiving where you kill a big old bird, eat a lot of food (well, I can relate to eating-though not of fowl) and give THANKS for your stuff....but the entire month before you bitch and moan about the upcoming ordeal. Put out some bird seed and if the other humans don't like it maybe they'll leave early. When I don't want anyone around me I squawk and click my beak. If that doesn't work, a good nip usually gets the point across.

Or maybe you want them around....but you don't want them around? How can this be? Humans are so very strange. And you are always muttering about needing to finish-finish what? What will you do when you finish? How will you know when you ARE finished? Good grief humans, get a grip and dance a little more, squawk and click your beaks.

Why bother?

I bought myself some flowers
To cheer up my day
And sent them to you instead
You didn't see the blooms
You didn't see the gesture
And neither day was cheered

What a fucking waste.

Never Comes a Time

Never comes a time
At least while I'm alive
Where all projects are done
Why pretend otherwise?

So much pretending
Gets in the way of living.
So much guilt
Gets in the way of living.

Keep the cobwebs
Sweep away the lie
My mother has a perfect house
And no real life beyond those walls.

Not for me, not for me.

Cactus Monday Christmas Cactus

I bought this for Cactus Monday several weeks ago and just got around to doing something with it. Better late than never-Happy Cactus Monday.

What may be

What may be may be
Or may not be at all
Only what is is for certain
And nothing about that is certain either
Perspective can change the past in a blink
And what may be may be
Or may not be at all

Why?

Why on earth would you want to pick a fight?
Relieve your boredom or your stress some other way.
I don't want to play those games.
Not today.
Let's step beyond our appointed roles.
Our parents have never left the houses they were born in,
but I have.
And when I come to visit
I come now as I am
not as I was.

Which is it?

Am I breaking down completely or just finally figuring it out. I really can't be sure, but then again, can anyone? What I care about seems to be diverting into what I truly CARE about, and not what anyone else thinks I should focus upon. Am I going completely mad, or stone cold sane?

Happy Birthday Mom

Today is Mom's birthday-we are going to lunch so she can get a slice of sugar free coconut pie. Our family doesn't "fuss: but woe unto those who forget.....I think it would have been easier (and still be easier) if we'd had real traditions that we'd acknowledged. That's the maddening part of my family-we DO have things we do, but we don't acknowledge them, they are never expected, unless they are missed. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH

You can go overboard on the traditions, but really, if nothing matters, but it secretly does matter, is it any wonder that I'm confused?

Mom will enjoy her lunch, insisting the entire time it really isn't necessary. In the past I've often felt silly for insisting we do something-but now I know that it really IS necessary, so I won't feel silly.

Animal Wednesday-Oliver gets a new Roommate

We'll start slow-what can it BE? A box arrived-I called out "what you doing?" and the woman answered "Waiting for my snake"


Then she was opening the box and ooing and cooing-it was foul-only it most certainly was NO FOWL. It seems fairly well behaved, but at the moment it appears to weigh more than the biggest dog. There is a lock on the cage-it seems that I enjoy opening doors and this would be a bad door to open.

Now for a riddle-What is sweet and wonderful and makes the most awesome hissssssssy sound? Hmmmmm? Not that snake, I can tell you that much! It's a new thing called Reddi Whip. The woman puts it on some of the things she eats, and I love it too. She gave me a little of it tonight, so I forgive her for the new life form.


(But she better not name him Oliver-there are far too many Oliver's in this house already)

New Beauty!


My friend Sue's new sweetie-a Tibetan Terrier named Sadie. I can't wait to have a cuddle with this little love. I couldn't wait till Animal Wednesday (and Oliver doesn't like to be upstaged)

Happy Birthday To Me

It's my birthday. I never know what to do or feel on "the day". Celebrations are awkward at best in my family and I suck at being the center of attention. I'll go to Mom's for lunch-it's bean day, and I just asked for beans so as not to disrupt anyone's eating schedule. I like beans, and can eat them scheduled or unscheduled.

I really am 48 now-I always think of my age as whatever the ending digit of the current year is, so by the time it actually arrives, I'm pretty used to the number. Maybe I'll suspend that at 50 and spend a good long time at 49. Or not. The closer it gets, the less it bothers me. 40 was a huge disappointment-I woke up expecting to feel "different" and.......nothing. Same old me, new day.

I've been married, raised a child, so I don't have any of those female deadlines hovering over me. Pretty much all that's left is just to die, and I think I'll take my time on that one. I tell friends that have either not been married or raised children that they haven't missed a lot, but they don't believe me. I think we all need things to define ourselves, and one of those things is "what we didn't get." That's pretty sad when you think about it.

Maybe we should define ourselves by what we got, or what we are going to do, or what color your coffee was this morning-anything but the empty spaces. Definition by emptiness just doesn't compute, does it? Maybe that's why we get so bogged down in it-defining emptiness is a pretty endless process. It's pretty futile too.

I think that's how clutter happens-we try to fill the empty spaces with things. The things become "ours, us" and we don't see beyond them. Then we sit, surrounded by things we don't see, and stare at that empty space-and never see the bright and beautiful world beyond.

Fortunately (geeze, I can't end with a downer on my birthday)....the bright and beautiful world remains, waiting only for a change of perspective. In my case, that usually comes in the undeniable truth of a parrot who loves to make farting noises. The truth is, none of this matters much, and Oliver toots often and loud to remind me of that. Crass, yes, but the truth will set you free.

Resurrection

I had intended to show Lily, my merle chihuahua, but it turned out she's deaf and at that point I threw up my hand and said "enough". Rescued a few dogs, bought one.

Now, back up-I have no idea why I want to go to a conformation show-I love agility, I like obedience (rally is fun), fly ball is interesting. But it was the conformation ring I read stories about growing up (Big Red, Marguerite Henry).

Now Moon, I bought for photography and agility and herding. The show ring does not really like smoothies or merles, and I don't know that a smoothie merle has ever won anything. But dang it, that little dog is as correct a little dog as there is. He has some dogs in his lineage that have done well in both conformation and herding (and both of them are smoothies). So, we are adding gait training to his routine.

I will get the experience of training a dog for the breed ring, Moonie gets more tasks to learn that don't involve taxing his joints before he quits growing.....and he'll be intact and eligible for the ring till at least next June.....and he'll get experience in a trialing environment.

Part of me is horrified that I would take such a fine working dog and put him in a beauty contest. But another big part of me thinks I've gotten so tied up in doing the right and proper thing that I never do anything much at all.

Our criteria for success is not going to be ribbons-but if we show well and correctly and both have fun.

Rastafeatherans!

I got a lovely card in the mail from Lolo....it really picked up my day. It featured a lovely African Grey parrot and Oliver approved of it heartily. In fact, he was so inspired he demanded his bath be drawn immediately!

I feel bad. I have a pair of shoes and some other miscellaneous goodies I've picked up to mail to people in my life-and I just haven't had the energy to have a packing off to the post office day. I think I need to work on that. Resting is fine, crawling into a hole and pulling the dirt over you-maybe not such a good idea.

Lolo-I love it.

The Elusive Audio

I figured out how to dub/voice over-so I thought I'd take a video of oliver I already had, wipe out MY voice (since he won't talk when I'm in the room) and SNEAK up on him and get an actual video/voice of the great Oliver. The great Oliver is so pleased with the arrangements (his favorite reggae station AND feathered phonics) he's sitting silently making his contented snoring noise....so now I will have to leave the room and wait till he misses me enough to get vocal-THEN come back in and hit record.

It's cracking me up-he has no idea why he's the center of attention, but he's so pleased he's going to snore and chuckle and NOT make a sound loud enough to pick up.

And I'm experimenting with vocalization as real communication, not a trained response.....so I can't pull out the pignolias. As far as the experiment, when Oliver really wants to be near me, he'll start talking in my voice or howling like a wolf or calling out "what you doing?". What you doing is a responsive game-I usually call back "I'm picking my nose" or something and he laughs.....You have to go beyond the words to understand the game. He really wants to know "are you there" and when I respond he's happy that I responded. I doubt that many people will want to learn our language....LOL, it is a bit convoluted.

What's interesting-is that he uses vocalizations when he wants to find me or talk to the dogs or whatever. If he just wants to go the living room he flies down the hall to his perch. He's only caged at night or when I'm going to be out for awhile. For the most part he's honorable, although he has a crayola marker in his cage right now that no one is sure how it got there.....it's non toxic and it makes him happy-it's a prized possession, so I can't bear to take it away from him-although I do pick it up and admire it because it makes him happy to show off his marker. His sense of self, his idea of "mine" is similar to ours, but not quite as materialistic.

Wow (Gross) and Stuff

Ok, I had something happen that I'd heard about, and believed, but had never had it happen to me before-something I ate a couple of days ago, returned, and got stuck firmly in my stoma (the small hole made by the lap band). I mean stuck, well and good-nothing goes in, nothing comes out and yes it hurt. After producing slimey saliva (called sliming) for a couple of hours, walking around, heating pad, I was able to give a mighty heave and dislodge the offending particle.

Of course, I looked to see what had caused the issue-and there was a piece of bacon from a few days ago. (I don't eat bacon even close to every day, so I knew when the last time I had eaten bacon was). My friend Sue had the same thing happen wth a mushroom once. LIttle bastard just hung out in her digestive tract and waited for its chance.

It doesn't happen often, and I've finally gotten the chewing of the food properly down, but apparently I had a slip up. It was weird cause I've been trouble free for some time, but chewing rules still apply and apparently not all karma is instant.

I know I've lost 91 pounds and I am pretty sure I've dropped a few since I last weighed-I think I'll weigh next week and see. There is a lot of work still to be done (headwise) and that is something I never addressed before-I just lost weight and then tried to forget I was ever heavy. I've got a loose, but close (if that makes sense) support group of women who are in varying stages of weight loss, and we are all very open and honest about the head parts of it-because we all believe it's the head that messed us up in the beginning.

I am pretty diligent in looking out for surgical anorexia/bulemic behaviors/attitudes. Give a fat girl a tool to lose weight, and some don't know when to stop. The press tends to blame the surgeons, and I don't-not really. It's all a choice we make. I know as things heat up in the WLS market, bariatric surgeons and plastic surgeons are teaming up, and that makes me a little uncomfortable-because they are selling the magazine image instead of health.

I was gung ho on plastics-that's one of the reason's why I was banded in Mexico, to save enough money to ice the cake so to speak. Now, I'm really not. And funny as it may seem, it's not the money or the frivolity of it-it's the pain factor. A lower body lift (the holy grail of all plastics) plus boob job means 6 weeks of sitting still and feeling like shit while you do it. Now, I could write for 6 weeks and that would be great-but who would work my dogs, take care of my snakes, carry Oliver around and do his bidding? I could hire someone to live in and take care of me-and that would suck too. And for what-a picture worthy tummy?

I think it would be different if I had medical issues that could be addressed. I have friends who do, and I understand the need. But I just don't need it. What is that saying? "A body isn't something to treat like a treasure, instead you should barrel through life, skid sideways into the grave and say "woooo, what a ride!"

Here Comes the Cold......

Ok, it's going to hit 35, that isn't really THAT bad, but it's not 50. Brrrrrrrr. I was lying awake this morning watching the clock, waiting for a certain time to get up. I heard Oliver stir in his cage, stretch and the call out with a big "wooooooooooooooo". His cage is covered, he's in the dark, and he doesn't need anyone to tell him when it's OK to get up and shout. I really think he's smarter than I am.

What we all need to learn

Is that the world goes on-really. Breakdown if you need to-it will be there when you get back. It might not even know you were gone. For someone like me, who feels sometimes the weight of the world rests on my shoulders-that is a comforting thought, not a depressing thought.

Animal Wednesday-Tiger by the Tail

Hullo hullo hullo. What you doing? I've been quite busy this past week, I have discovered the joys of cheese, and now insist upon the addition of cheese to my diet each day. Calcium is important to us all. The dogs in the picture certainly do NOT get to feast on cheese-look at the impertinent youth chomping on the lovely tail of the elder. SQWUAAAAAAAK. Kids today. Woe unto the infidel that would pull my lovely red tail-I'd give them a face full of beaks of steel!

While I have been busy, I'm never too busy to stop and dance a bit if the music hits me, or to stop and nibble on some cheese in mid dance if the human walks by with some. Remember not to let what you are doing keep you from what you could be doing......hugs and kisses-Oliver the Parrot.

Which Comes First

The chicken or the purple egg?

Ever onward

Through the slush
The blinding snow
Mush Mush Mush
Ever onward we go

I gave my permission to move Uncle John to a non-lock down ward-since he can't walk he's not a flight risk. It made me sad and I don't know why-nothing has really changed and truthfully, he won't likely even realize he's in a different room. Maybe that is my job-to be sad for him, since he can't be sad for himself. Or maybe, just maybe, no one should be sad at all.

I've enjoyed my cold

No, not the snot, the coughing, the fever and chills. But I've enjoyed, oh so much, my solitude and not feeling like I HAVE to produce something or do something. I've just lazed around, watched movies, sipped Gatorade and taken lots of naps. It was, in it's own way, heaven.

HAW FEED ME SEE-MORE

This was a mushroom I took for Mim and promptly forgot about. HAW Mim!

Tuesday

I feel kind of bad (but not too bad, it's just a blog) about how inconsistent I have been lately in posting. So I am going to write this on Sunday night to go out Tuesday morning since I'm spending tomorrow (Monday) on the road with both my parents looking at the leaves. Tuesday I've got to find my voter registration card, go vote, pick up the cat who has been at the vet and recover from an 8 hour or more drive with my parents, sort out grumpy animals who are not used to being left alone all day, etc. etc.

Our human ability to see the future is both a blessing and a curse, isn't it? I've just given you a synopsis of my next two days for you to read as a recap two days from now. No wonder I never know what fucking day it is.

I haven't posted much because I just haven't felt, well, "chatty" and I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I did spontaneously conceive and create Senita's Opera......and I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, but it was fun. When scene one, the Spanish tableau with rose rocks, Fiesta Ware and the parrot resulted in a near seizure on behalf of the bird, I said "screw it" and just went with what worked for all of us. Then I discovered the caption function on Youtube.

I'm just running on blind stupid faith right now. I don't know why I am here or what I'm supposed to be doing (and just in case anyone is so inclined, I don't want to be TOLD the answer, so if you think you know, shut the fuck up). I have a few ideas kicking around in my head, but nothing just seizes me with desire to go out and do it. Once upon a time I would just pick one and run, because life is short, yadda yadda. Now I think, life is short, why bother rushing? If it ends before you are done, so what? Watching Uncle John has taught me that it is far worst NOT to end before you are done.

Geeze, this so out of synch with the world, because when YOU read this it will be in the midst of one of the most exciting political events in our nation's history and my Sunday night musings will seem trivial, as they are. So here, on Sunday night, I'm putting this out into the Universe-PLEASE let it be Obama.......

I know it's not rational, because I don't actually know that other person/persons-but they have become the embodiment of everything that has ever oppressed me. That might not be all that irrational come to think about it-they ARE the embodiment of most things that have oppressed me. And I really need to see someone NOT like THEM to win the top spot. Cause, then I'll know, that there are more like me than not....and I think that might make me feel better.

Cactus Monday=Senita's Wedding

From our house to yours dearest Senita-Happy Cactus Monday.

Cold Medicine Dreams

I took some cold medicine and a nap the other day. I dreamed I had my eyes surgically altered to match Moon's (one blue, one brown). My family was appalled (in my dream).