Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Deja Vu-oooooh

Beam Me Up Scotty: Shit  was the title of last year's Thanksgiving entry.  I really didn't need to look it up to remember what was going on last year.  Poor dear Uncle John didn't even know what the event was (dinner at his assisted living center) and shortly thereafter he was moved to the hospital and then the nursing home.  This Thanksgiving he's trying to die and will soon succeed.  I got a call Tuesday night that he had a fever and I had to decide whether or not to give antibiotics or not-antibiotics is not "extra ordinary" and I ordered them given.

His fever is down and he's resting, but it is not likely he'll wake up with any meaningful interaction and one day he won't wake up.  And selfishly (although he's in no pain) I prayed "Please don't die till after Thanksgiving"....because I have a huge amount of food and two old people who have placed bets on whether or not I'll really pull this lunch (that I didn't want to do) off.  Because I'm trying to redeem myself for being "antisocial" last Thanksgiving.  I'm just barely dealing with all the holiday pressure and arranging a funeral on top of that is just way too rest my dear, but please don't go.

How awful and how trivial of me to even think that way about someone I do dearly love.  And if he were in pain, I wouldn't even have the thought.  But I am one, finite being, since I haven't mastered the infinite all that well, and I can't be a hostess and an aunt and a executrix.  I AM human, and I do have needs too.  How bizarre is that to be planning the seating arrangements and get a casual call that amounts to "let him live or let him die?".

The antibiotics issue was one we left open at hospice, but faced with it, I had no doubt that I am not capable of issuing a death order (with hold them).  Which is strange, because I support euthanasia, but I cannot support inaction, though the result is the similar.
Today my brother and I will go visit and we will ponder questions of our own mortality-then go pick up tomorrow's Turkey and Ham and Pie.

Somewhere Uncle John knows I'm really not being selfish, just spread too thin and I really think he'll wait for me.  But if he doesn't, I'll understand too.

Two Thanksgivings ago it was just he and I in Dallas-we ate a lot and watched Emperor of the North and the football game....that's the one I will remember when all the fuss is over.


MuseSwings said...

You are not being selfish at all! Not even a little. You are doing what is right and what is good and what he needs and what you need. Have a happy and blessed Thanksgiving, Debra Kay!

soulbrush said...

yup, hang on to that memory of 2 years ago.... and hell be a little selfish, wish you would be! hugs and wfs for this thanksgiving, may it not be too onerous.