I'm OK-At Dog Seminar for 2 days

I didn't want to leave a gloomy post and then be gone-I'm going to a dog body language seminar.
I'm ok and I do appreciate all the kind words.

Med change over is going smoothly-and I got to test out a theory I've long held-and I was RIGHT.  Maybe not right for the rest of the world, but right for me-and I saved myself the dreary DIP and Ramp up period.

I'll post more on that later-it's kind of interesting.

What now brown cow?

What now brown cow?  I'm all out of tricks and treats.
Any ideas?

Complete Exhaustion is good

I went to a Jewel concert last night. It was at a casino. I won 180 dollars while waiting for the concert. Concert was great. Went out after to a bar a did a little dancing. Came home, goofed around till 2 ish. Up at 8 and out by 9 and spent the day at the stables. Had a nice ride. Did I accomplish anything? I'm not sure, other than that I'm not so frozen inside. Maybe that has merit too.

I bet I sleep well tonight too.

What may be

What may be may be
Or may not be at all
Only what is is for certain
And nothing about that is certain either
Perspective can change the past in a blink
And what may be may be
Or may not be at all

Which is it?

Am I breaking down completely or just finally figuring it out. I really can't be sure, but then again, can anyone? What I care about seems to be diverting into what I truly CARE about, and not what anyone else thinks I should focus upon. Am I going completely mad, or stone cold sane?

Things I love

Twilight

Watching Uncle John slowly die is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. He told me yesterday he was in the midst of a great transition, that this place is not a permanent place and he was preparing to go to a more suitable location. The ravings of a dying old man, or the absolute truth?

I realize now, and the end of this phase, that I was NOT being lazy by not writing every moment down-instead I was living it to the fullest extent, and will recall what I need when I need it. I'm glad I had that little bit of insight-it gave me some comfort.

I feel such guilt-because he did ask for help when (in my opinion) he was in his right mind and could have made a decision to go easily. The pain of feeling responsible for his suffering is unbearable at times. Logically, I know I didn't give him Parkinson's. Logically, I know I took this task on myself. Logic logic logic-it's so cold, colder than the grave. The grave seems warm and quiet, with no shaking or tremors or fear.

Death does not frighten me-this living half life I see in front of me scares the bloody hell of out me. And sometimes I wonder what good I do anyone by not looking away-why I feel compelled to witness it. I'm pretty much on auto-pilot with this one-doing what I feel moved to do, blindly feeling my way along the dark cave walls with the tips of my fingers. But at least I'm feeling the walls, not stumbling around in the dark crying for help.

Of course, that is where the spiders hang out. (I'm sorry Teri, I couldn't resist, and thinking of you shivering just then made me laugh out loud my friend).

Computer Problems

Not really a problem-my rusty trusty laptop croaked at last and I'm putting another one in commission. Daddy is doing better, Mom is chafing under the strain of her schedule being interupted (Wednesday is shopping day after all). Mom's schedule is her talisman for an uncertain world. I'm practicing both tactful avoidance and gentle limits. We'll see how it goes.

(I'm logged in from Daddy's PC now).

Thanks for checking on me and for caring.

Deb

No picture today, but HAW.

Rest

I want to lay my heart down on the mountain and rest a little while. Rest is does not abandon hope, oh no. It is preparation for rebirth and renewal. Sometimes I forget that, do you?

Door is Open

Door is open
step out if you dare.

Ok, I don't know what the hell I'm thinking-think I'll throw my gear in the jeep and go knit with friends....wooooohooooooo. Wild woman!

Random News

1. Oliver the parrot stepped up twice today!!!!! Stepping up is a big deal-it's the first step to moving around to other perches-we were both so excited! I've learned a lot working with him, he's teaching me as I teach him-we are both learning to trust each other. Liking each other was immediate-he came up to me at the store and we liked each other on the spot-trusting has taken a bit longer, and work on both our parts.

2. After spending years driving up and down I:35 between OKC and Dallas with one eye out for box turtles, a lovely little girl came waltzing into my front yard yesterday. She knows people and food, and I hope she wasn't a classroom pet set free.

3. I found a chaise lounge at Walmart for 39 bucks. I wanted it for the backyard, which is dog territory, so I didn't want to spend a lot. When I told mom (shopping news she wants to hear) and she began to grouse (she has to grouse....you have benches already...why....)I gently cut her off and said "well, I didn't have a chaise lounge and I wanted one."

4. I knew better than to tell her about the pillow and beach towel I got as well.

5. I finally got cable installed-long story, not really interesting-just something I had to work through. So, I'll get to see the Meerkat Manor Movie and I'm ready for shark week. (There was no doubt in my mind I would be).

6. I may have the front of the garage made into an office-sort of the old garage beauty shop concept without the sink. Or I may install the heater on the sunporch. Heating the room in the winter could be costly, but so is adding on another room, which I will have to heat as well. Neither room would boast a spectacular view, but the sunporch overlooks the backyard and I can watch the dogs sit on my chaise lounge LOL.

7. Even though I don't "work" I declared a holiday weekend, and my head and heart are really really enjoying it. I think I needed it and I needed to learn to "get away" while staying home. I just can't run off to Mexico any more like I used to-a thousand years (three or four) ago.

8. I am taking Mom and Dad to Louisiana next week-the horse races. We'll do things "we always do....." (arrrrrrgh).

9. In July I'm going to Sarasota to see Sue, Jay, Maya, Hannah and all the kiddos (including a new parrot...wooooo hoooo!!!!) Sue and I are going to get some tattoo work done-it's always fun with a friend.

10. I'm slowly getting that it all doesn't work out forever after in a day. It sort of just unfolds.

Aubade

Yep, Hopper taught me a new word.

My own voice says Hello
My own voice asks "what are you doing?"
My own voice wakes the dogs
The parrot knows
When the dogs start barking
I'll let them out
And give him his peanut.

What the parrot doesn't know
Is that I leave him by the window
To watch the sun rise
And wake me
On purpose

If he knew
He'd probably still work for peanuts

Stones

The rock will not change until it is worn away by time
You may either wait for time to change the rock
Or learn to love the rock just as it is
But do not become attached to the rock you love
For it will change, worn away by time

A stone may be sent skipping across the water
But it is still a stone and eventually settles to the bottom
Waiting for time to make the change
From stone to whatever stones change into
When they are no longer stones

No one really knows what that is
And if the stones do, they are not telling.

Storms

A big dark cloud can make a little house look even smaller. This is my neighbor Sol's house with a cloud looming up from behind.