Sunday, July 27, 2008


Sometimes it really does help just to do things differently. I drove a different way to Dallas, I left the TV off except for Meerkat Manor....(got to check in on the whiskers). I've eaten food I normally don't eat-not food I don't like, just not my first choice from a menu.

I'm dealing with the ever approaching demise of my laptop and the realization that I don't really care much for the desktop. I bought a Mac....something I've wanted forever. I need to keep a windows machine because a great deal of my marketable skills revolve around being current on office programs, but it doesn't have to be either or.

Sadly, I will have to hide the Mac. My brother KNOWS EVERYTHING about computers, even things that probably haven't been thought of yet. Ok, I am exaggerating-he is very knowledgeable, makes his living with them, and is a pretty nice guy. But if Bill says Mac is whack-then Daddy does too, and Mom ......yadda yadda.

So now comes the adult emotional intelligence-I know that I have every right to have a Mac....Bill is entitled to say "I wouldn't have one" and he will....but my elders will not be able to leave it alone, and from henceforth every computer related discussion will come around to "why did you......"

Now the sad part is not that I will hide my little Macbook. The sad part is realizing my parents have progressed to the point where it would truly upset them if they knew I had one. And even sadder that they truly are at a point where they need to be coddled.

But, the good news is I've realized coddling them doesn't have to mean not doing what I want to do-tried that-doesn't work for me.

What an awful thing it must have been raising me. I never do anything in the shadows, and they are the kind of people who really don't want to know.....I think we must have been meant to be together as sort of a yin/yang thing. Essentially, we are everything that annoys us in another human being-only we love each other and not just out of duty. Duty ended eons ago-now our interactions are voluntary and we all know it.

I kicked my own daughter to the curb for drug addiction-if I didn't want to take care of my parents, I wouldn't. Really, the only "have to " is the one that lives inside of me, and that have to is a want to. And they know all too well I don't follow rules and I don't do things I really don't want to do....I'm speaking of overall undertakings. In any undertaking is a series of unpleasant to downright repulsive tasks-but the overall outcome is what I base my decisions on.

I'm getting ready to pack up for the trip out to the snakes and then home-and I'm not a bit sad....Oh, I'd like to stay longer, but I know I can come back, and more importantly, I can pack up some things I've figured out and take with me.


Forever Young said...

we can only do the best that we can with what we have...had a bad weekend, but all is okay thank heavens. i hope that one day your daughter may thank you for what you did.

Hopper said...

I hope you had a good time away from it all... seems like you're wrestling with some things as always... and the thing about family... they're all so different... all have their own flavor... and I too... like FY... hope that your daughter comes through a stronger person...

studio lolo said...

You're the second person today who told me they're getting a Mac. Must be something in the water :)

"the have to is a want to.."

Amen sister. I like that. ( Having nothing to do with Macs, that is. Just life in general.)

Mim said...

I'm starting to like my Mac - just takes getting used to.

Families...(big sigh). and family dynamics (bigger sigh).

Debra Kay said...

I've had Macs before and loved them. In fact, as a writer/artist person I "should" have a mac, but as an accountant/compliance person my ego needs a hell, I'll have both. I AM both.

In a rush of endorphins, bolstered by good healthy food, a nice massage and two gorgeous snakes nestled in my Cooper Spa Bag (decoy bag if I needed to stop and potty and take them in with me), it occured to me that I could trade the Shadow for a jeep, tear off the top, and ride around in a cage that would satisfy the family and most likely satisfy me.

I'm letting that thought mature before I utter it. It would be a powerful, one time only bargaining chip.

Watching Mom mow the lawn, I realized her hanging on to the lawn is like me hanging on to the bike. Irrational, but something we both want to do. And her flowerbeds have never looked better, but they don't look like SHE wants them to-people have given her big bushy plants and she likes little bitty plants that require lots of water and weeding.

Factor in age though. I am still able bodied enough for the Shadow.

Factor in there is never a definitive cut off point-well, death is pretty definitive-but beyond that, where does it end? Maybe what both of us are saying with our lawn mowers and motocycles, is that this is how we want to live until we die.

human being said...

'now our interactions are voluntary'

and think this talks of mature relations... lacking in many relations...

human being said...

sorry : absent in many interactions...