That is what I feel like, but I have to say that knowing what to expect has made a world of difference. I had a similar surgery 7 years ago and it really just didn't sink in that non-weight bearing is a politically correct way of saying 'you will be crippled for 8 weeks'. So, imagine my shock when I woke up and was, well, crippled.
I was quite freaked out, embarrassed and just didn't know how to cope. This time I have coped by buying mobility aids to aid my bathing, my bathrooming and my general rolling around. (Again with the buying) I'm a big girl, and crutches just don't do it for me. I do like the little walker with the seat on it-I can prop my knee on it and scoot around-that's pretty cool and I have a wheelchair that I really enjoy. Last time I had trouble appearing in public in the wheelchair. Now stay with me on this one-it gets a little weird. It wasn't the wheelchair, it was being a fat lady in the wheelchair-as if being upright and on two legs masked my obesity.
I still can't quite grasp the logic behind that one-my brain just grabbed on to two facts and made up something to be concerned about.
The cane was an entirely different story-it was being a cripple when my affliction was easily hidden so it was a little bit like a gay person coming out of the closet. Hey people, look, I don't really walk slow cause I'm fat and lazy, I'm actually slighty handicapped and just didn't want to tell you about it. (read my previous post regarding ET where my fears are confirmed)
I got to be pretty competent with the bedpan and now have been given clearance to go to the loo supervised. Tomorrow I'll get to go solo. Woo hoo.
Once I got off the really powerful pain killers I worked to be self sufficient AND I worked to overcome my embarrassment about being helped to do certain things and actually acknowledge the hospital workers with a 'thank you' and 'I really appreciate you'....my god-these people probably never get thanked-they lapped it up like a dog on clicker training.
It reminded me of the line from the color purple 'people just wants to be noticed' and it's true. If someone has the balls enough to wipe my ass, then I can have the balls enough to be nice and thank them for it instead of just wishing them away. By not dealing with the situation, we are also ignoring the very people who try to help us.
One of the first things I did when I fired up the PC was to look at the picture of the Scotty. It's waiting patiently for me in the driveway to come and clean it up and take out for a little camping trip. There are a few more hurdles to cross before that's possible, but promise is keeping me going and it gives me something to dream about. The Scotty was my 'thing to look forward to' and I'm having a blast e-mailing people and getting ideas for restoration. What a noble little trailer.
I would like to say I'm fully back mentally, but reading this it does lack a certain pizazz I've come to expect from me-but that will come back too. In the meantime, I'm going to daydream about a Scotty camping trip with HORSES-I found a group of women who does just that.....my idea of heaven really isn't that complicated.