Update

I will post more later.  Lots of fun and insight and wonderful things and hard things and all the usual magic when friends get together and just let the walls down and BE.

On the Brink

My friend Misty is coming today to help me with my clutter.  I'm scared and that's all I can say today-I'd like to be able to write a long and eloquent list of thoughts with a happy outcome-but the truth is closer to this: I'm not at all sure about this.

I AM sure about my friend-no doubts there-but this whole sharing of problems thing-it's a little new to me.  This is my test case of vulnerability-sharing something without knowing if I can cope with the outcome.

In fact, I wanted to share this is happening right now and ask you all to send clean and orderly thoughts my way.  I am making the sidebar on this blog happen-but damn it's not easy for me.  I always seem to go right straight for the hard stuff.

Second Guessing Game

As part of my trying Ritalin (or any drug that is any how related to mind or mood) I was on a hiatus from any big decisions.  I tried something new this time-no decisions-but I examined a lot of stuff in my life.

One thing I immediately noticed was that I was able to look at things without a lot of anxiety because I didn't have any decisions to make-I was just looking.   I also just typed and erased "we can't always go on decision hiatus".  The truth is-most of life's decisions don't have to be made overnight-we just think they do.

Even the animals like to sleep on it.  When training a new behavior, I introduce the behavior find a stopping point and let it go.  Usually, after a little time to rest and reflect-the critter gets it.

How many times have you ramped up for a diet by binging on sweets?  That makes me laugh right now because it makes absolutely no sense.  I am going to instill a new behavior by doing the opposite....and we all know how that usually works out.  But, it's actually no different than saying to you "I am going to train your dog to come to me by slapping it every time it gets near me."

Right now I'm revisiting several new insights a week or so later to see if they still look good.  This is a huge change for me-as I usually rocket off with each new idea.  What a concept-testing and thinking about an idea before acting on it.  Yet, I would do that all the time in business-I rarely did business things based on a "hunch".

I feel better as I've come to realize I do have the skills to get the life I want-I just need to apply them in new areas of my life.  

No Rain but it's pouring

This seems to be a year where death pops up everywhere and in places you weren't expecting it.  I don't even mention it here every time someone dies because after awhile it gets to be almost unbelievable.

I got word of a friend who passed away yesterday and I'm shaken to the core.  Another one?  REALLY?

It never gets any easier does it?  The expectation that some of life's challenges would be like learning math or a new hobby-easier over time-is just wrong.  Loss never gets any easier and it never will.

OH HAI

MORE random than ever before....

More Random

 I slept a lot yesterday-really good restful sleep-so I just assumed I was tired.  During that time, my biological clock reset itself and I am now up an hour earlier than normal.  It was fun waking the dogs up for a change.  Hopefully the reset will hold-because my dogs will no doubt wake up an hour early tomorrow-they reset faster than I do.

It's been so hot they are probably glad to have the extra hour of cool time-I know I am.

Thinking about Luck

Pumpkin is the the little yellow boy kitty I chose from day one-before his eyes were open.  He was all orange and looked just like a pumpkin.  He has always been pumpkin.  Patches is the second brother. When the rescuer was looking for homes I said that I would also take the last boy-just rehome everyone else that people chose and give me pumpkin and kitty X.

What's really interesting to me is that Patches is a perfectly wonderful kitten.  He's very different from Pumpkin-shorter fur, louder voice, and a bigger ego.  But different is not always a bad thing.  He make me laugh and he doesn't cuddle often, but when he does, well you know you've been cuddled.

Thinking of the two really makes me think about how random life is.  Two wonderful creatures, but one who was taken only really out of pity.  But the irony is-BOTH ended up in the same place in life-and none of it was of their own doing.

Life really IS that random, isn't it?

Better

Ok-if I am going to chronicle my ADD efforts here I had to get rid of the orange.  This feels better.

From my reading and thinking, my first insight is that I need to apply structure but not get trapped by the structure.  So, I am picking a few things to add structure to.

Last week I tackled the absolute number one eating problem I have-the one thing that is consistent no matter what else-I don't eat fruit regularly.  This sets me up for other secondary issues-like eating sugary sweets, etc.  More importantly-it has always been my achilles heal-so after it I went.

I have eaten two fruits a day for almost a full week-and trust me, that has never happened before.  I've even had to resort to bribery-you MUST eat the fruit, then you can have anything else you want....but I've done it.  I'm sure it's helped my health-but helping my mind overcome something that has been chronic is HUGE.

So this week I went for bigger game in the eating/body image realm-My MOTHER.  I joined Weight Watchers-(one of her all time food guru triggers) and I told her-and I told her what day I was going to weigh in and asked her to hold me accountable.  Well shit fire-you would have thought I had given her the keys to the Taj Mahal.  And I got a glimpse of how shutting her out has hurt her.

I'm not going to dwell on that-it's just an insight that what matters to someone else might not be what matters to me.  What mattered to me was having control over what I eat-but by including her I have made her feel, well, included, but I've given up nothing.  She just wants input, and what I do with that is my own business.

In the clutter hoarding area-I have invited a friend down to help me with a garage sale the end of the month-and told enough people that I can't back out.  So I am going to focus on that for the rest of the month.  It's too hot to go outside anyway.

I also want to get back to the art I do best-writing.  I've experimented and will continue to experiment with all manner of visual things-but I'm not a visual artist.  Well, not a very good one.  I write-it's what I do-it's who I am.  I feel like I'm finally saying it's ok just to be me.  And that feels pretty good.

Ugh stuck.....

I seem to get some momentum for a bit-then I get stuck again.  Most likely this happens because I take a little momentum-declare "now I have it" and add about a zillion things onto my to do list......get overwhelmed and stop.  Yeah-that's an ADD thing.

I guess my new mantra should be slow down and get there faster.  Would anyone buy a T-shirt that said that?

I guess this is going to become an ADD blog for awhile while obsess on this new label.  I hate labels.  I like the new clarity my brain has with the Ritalin-but I dislike what the fogginess has done to my life while I avoided the label.  OH well.

Oh wow

A few months ago I had a facebook virus that sent weird links to everyone in my email list.  I deleted all addresses and such before finally resolving the issue.

TODAY-for no reason-an email from April popped up.  Apparently my daughter had been e-mailed and she was asking if I wanted further contact.  WOW-just wow.

I emailed her back and explained I had only just now opened the file and asked how she was.  That is all-we'll see what happens next.

It's hard not to indulge in WHY today, WHY not THEN, WHYWHYWHY.  But, it's easier and ok just to say I don't know why and move on with my day.   Sometimes things just happen when they happen, and I'm ok with that.