Wow, I'm really a mess

Sold the kayak, almost aborted the horse project, DID buy 10 horned lizards for breeding. They are threatened and my new deal is to collect, breed critters whose habitat is threatened. Of course, that really applies to almost every species on the planet. But, I have been thinking a lot about horney toads-well, maybe not a lot. But I've thought of them several times lately-how I never see them anymore and how much I enjoyed them as a kid. I saw a lot of 10 for sale, I have the rack space, so why not.

With the sick dog, sick Uncle and aging parents, its kind of nice to have a project that is hopeful and future looking. I'm just in no shape to go off and join the peace corp or picket but I can feed ants to lizards and maybe something good will come of it. I mean really, at this point a small dream is all I can manage, but its better than no dream at all.

I also got a good idea for a good feature story-Odd Farms. I already know of a Rat Farm, a bunch of Snake Farms and I've got lines on others as well. Just got to pitch it, sell it and write it.

I've decided to keep much of my "business" activities to my self for now. I know Mom and Dad are frustrated with my apparent lack of initiative, but bless their heart, they can kill a budding young idea quicker than an April Frost. Old people ARE wise, but not necessarily about what will and won't work in modern business or popular culture. That is a hard thing to realize. In spite of my ever present need to have my own way, I always liked to believe my parents really knew everything that a person needed to know. And they DO, if that person wants to live their life in the same neighborhood with minimal contact to the outside world.

Well, not THIS kid. I've been as far as Dallas Texas! Ok, that was for dramatic effect, I've actually been further down the road.

Point is, I need to take care of my own dreams while I take care of them, because, in the end, the dreams are what I will have left.

I did revisit the urban chicken idea-but was horrified with myself as I watched little banties and calculated how many I could use as snake food today, raise, etc.....I wasn't all that horrified, but the sales lady who came up and said "aren't they just adorable?" probably would have been. Then I realized I was the only woman in the farm store with multiple tattoos, piercings and an undershirt instead of a bra. I just didn't BELONG.

But that isn't true-I bought some things I needed, got some ideas. I just wasn't like everyone else in the store. I'm working really hard to acknowledge this and get over it. Part of coming home to Oklahoma was to explore what it would be like to be the me I've become while I was away. Heaven help the sooner state.

Oops, forgot to take my premarin

Well, I'm just in the throws of crisis-it's EXPENSIVE to have horses, and I can't afford the Ponderosa and take care of my Uncle John and my parents and still have time to do my job and waaaaaaaaaah.

So, about that dog cart....I'm negotiating with a guy for a two seater that will take two big dogs to pull two big adults. Now my biggest dog weighs a little bit less than 10 pounds so that is a problem....but first things first. In this case I have to put the cart before the dog, because the only way I can exercise the dogs is if they pull me (bad leg you see).

I've also returned the urban chicken books to amazon.com-why should I pay full price for my insanity? Some exchange fee is better than nothing-and the horse books are going back too.

Yes, we really CAN have it all, but only if we are willing to work for it. And unless I just get a huge rush of cash, the horse project would drain all my resources.

Am I getting timid in my old age? Or just wise enough not to jump in with checkbook a blazing. My little Scotty venture was not much money, and I could recoup it easily by placing the little darling on Craigslist or Ebay. Horses would involve thousands, yes that is multiple thousands. I just can't do that, or I just won't let myself do that.

Am I trying to convince myself that dogs will be just as good? I don't know, but experience has taught me that when that little voice in my head says pull up, it is a VERY GOOD IDEA to Pull Up.

And yet, that is not how Very Big Things get done. But I already KNOW how to work with dogs, I can afford dogs, and I already have a vehicle that will accomodate the cart and the dogs......And I can still wear my wellingtons I bought for the mucky yard in my own mucky yard. (They aren't wellies they are something else, but piss on it and piss on the compact I'm in a cast and if the only thing I will be able to wear this spring is mucking shoes then I'm going to get myself a good pair.)

So this is how it feels to go crazy.

Now, once upon a time middle aged people bought little red sports cars. I bought one of those when I was 17 (with my own earned money, no silver spoons here). So I am going to have a midlife crisis in an old travel trailer and a team of carting dogs pulling the elderly residence of Autumn Leaves around Whiterock Lake.

I don't think I am destined for Really Big Things.

The Joy of Duct Tape and Atomic Chickens

The little Scotty is all snug, wrapped and duct taped to keep out any further elements until I can assess what needs to be done. I should have already done that-but I was enjoying so much just sticking my head inside and dreaming every day or two. But, you have to take care of your dreams or they will get wood rot.

Strangely enough (for me) I wasn't all despondent, I just fixed the problem and moved on. I have to think that comes from the size of the investment-I love the Scotty, but I told myself if I made a bad choice and it fell apart the day I bought it that it would be one of my lesser losses. I say this lovingly as I gaze upon my $2000 and counting rescue "free dog".

I've been too citified lately-I didn't even HAVE any duct tape-the handy man ran down to the store and bought several rolls-he left one just in case. I think he was horrified that a person could NOT have duct tape.

Actually, I grew up in an electrician's home, and electrical tape was my tape of choice, but I didn't have any of that either. I think I had some packing tape left over from a move. Clearly I am not prepared for any natural disaster. There is a Skaggs and a Big Lots right down the road, but what IF they were suddenly GONE?

Now, I grew up in an era when they taught disaster preparedness in the schools and scared the hell of me while they were doing it. We had to be READY in case the mushroom cloud appeared. I wonder if somehow that didn't sow seeds of resignation in some of us.

My biggest fear was that I would live and my family wouldn't and I would be alone. Turns out, that isn't too far off base-I'm the youngest of a family tree that is withering. Wouldn't it be ironic if I were left alone...and was delivered from my solitude BY an atomic cloud? It's those kinds of thoughts I generally keep to myself because I find them comforting.

The truth is, if there is an absolute truth, no one knows what life will bring. I doubt anyone at 46 is living the life they imagined they would at 26. These fears are just a macabre way of trying to control and deal with the unknown.

While researching the urban chicken movement, I came across a site that was geared towards the coming famine when we would all need chickens to sustain ourselves. The more chickens and eggs you had, the better off you would be because you would have food and currency. I just want to play with some baby chickens and then let them grow up and eat their eggs. I like the idea of a pet that will contribute to more than the emotional well being of the group. I am sure that I will come to love the lowly chicken as much as I would a $2000 parrot, assuming it is a hen, that is. Roosters scare the bejesus out of me. Keep your mushroom cloud-if you've ever been chased by an angry rooster-shudder-that is the real stuff of nightmares.

I haven't worked out how the chickens will fit in to the traveling part of my life. I'm planning on cutting down on the plane trips and kennel bills, but I don't think I'll be toting the girls along with us on camping trips. The current theory is to make sure the girls are socialized and have a neighbor kid come over and feed and water them-of course, that will mean bringing my chickens out of the closet. As a matter of fact, if I go with the portable hutches, I could just roll the chickens over to the neighbors yard and let them fertilize their backyard for a week. Perhaps I have just created the Mobile Urban Chicken Movement.