Excess contemplation can lead to some interesting visions.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Enlightenment
Today is the last day of my five day protein drink/juice fast for "back to basics" and I think I did get some enlightenment. Five days of any behavior isn't going to make lasting change, but what it did do was give me a health goal that I could accomplish right now, this very week. And I really needed it now.
What's funny, is that many people assumed I was "struggling" with eating and that's why I went back to basics. That was not the case, I just wanted to do the exercise. Kind of like extra credit in a tough class. I always did those too.
Even though the movies favor big WOW moments with a full orchestra, most of life's accomplishments are bits and pieces of little things that add up for better or worse.
What's funny, is that many people assumed I was "struggling" with eating and that's why I went back to basics. That was not the case, I just wanted to do the exercise. Kind of like extra credit in a tough class. I always did those too.
Even though the movies favor big WOW moments with a full orchestra, most of life's accomplishments are bits and pieces of little things that add up for better or worse.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz......
Sometimes the anticipation of a thing is worse than the thing itself. Today's task-get John into the Geriatric Psyche program, with clothes and utensils. Added difficulty-he freaks out when you pack, I have no idea why. So I am just going to go buy a satchel of clothes for him to take-he needs new clothes anyway.
I'm hoping that I'll be able to sleep tonight-I haven't slept well in some time. I'd like to shuttle all the doglets off to the kennel, but then I'd never get out of bed at all. At least the weather is nice and I can take a dog with me today.
Greta likes car work the best, so she's the chosen one. She'll be thrilled!
I'm hoping that I'll be able to sleep tonight-I haven't slept well in some time. I'd like to shuttle all the doglets off to the kennel, but then I'd never get out of bed at all. At least the weather is nice and I can take a dog with me today.
Greta likes car work the best, so she's the chosen one. She'll be thrilled!
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Off to See the Wizard
No snakes to rescue today, just a lot of waiting for Dr.'s and such. Uncle John was spotted trying to brush his teeth with a razor, so they decided that we needed no further recommendations for some good old psych eval. I made my position clear-I wanted him comfortable and happy-if he needs some good old medicinal marijuana or whatever, FINE. Let him light up and relax.
I am really disappointed in the neurologist, who is only concerned with shaking hands and stumbling. I'd rather he be unable to walk if he could enjoy a good TV program.
I will also take him to be evaluated, I don't want him "swept away". When the only thing left is just to be there for someone, that's what you do. I've often thought of becoming a hospice worker, which is really kind of odd. When something beloved dies, I go nuts with grief. Hell, I get misty eyed thinking of dogs who have passed.
My background as troubled teen, mother of troubled teen uniquely qualifies me to transport Uncle John to the nut hatch for evaluation. I'm just really good with crazy people, what can I say. Crazy people are far more interesting and honest than sane ones.
Why, it was only a week ago that I drove up suddenly on the site of a former mental incarceration. Later, and ex was on the burn ward of the same institution and what I remember most was the eyes of a badly burned man and going downstairs to pick up the ex's tranquilizers and taking two right at the counter. "I need them worse than he does right now" I explained.
The man was burned over 90% of his body and was being treated in the tubroom while I was being trained in the fine art of wound debriding. We made eye contact, and I didn't look away, but smiled. The gratitude in his eyes made mine mist over. By keeping eye contact and smiling, I acknowledged the human being trapped inside the wrecked flesh.
I was relieved when I heard he had passed away, because that is what he told me he wanted in that moment. But I was also proud that I could still see the man inside the carnage, and I've made it habit to look for that ever since.
I am really disappointed in the neurologist, who is only concerned with shaking hands and stumbling. I'd rather he be unable to walk if he could enjoy a good TV program.
I will also take him to be evaluated, I don't want him "swept away". When the only thing left is just to be there for someone, that's what you do. I've often thought of becoming a hospice worker, which is really kind of odd. When something beloved dies, I go nuts with grief. Hell, I get misty eyed thinking of dogs who have passed.
My background as troubled teen, mother of troubled teen uniquely qualifies me to transport Uncle John to the nut hatch for evaluation. I'm just really good with crazy people, what can I say. Crazy people are far more interesting and honest than sane ones.
Why, it was only a week ago that I drove up suddenly on the site of a former mental incarceration. Later, and ex was on the burn ward of the same institution and what I remember most was the eyes of a badly burned man and going downstairs to pick up the ex's tranquilizers and taking two right at the counter. "I need them worse than he does right now" I explained.
The man was burned over 90% of his body and was being treated in the tubroom while I was being trained in the fine art of wound debriding. We made eye contact, and I didn't look away, but smiled. The gratitude in his eyes made mine mist over. By keeping eye contact and smiling, I acknowledged the human being trapped inside the wrecked flesh.
I was relieved when I heard he had passed away, because that is what he told me he wanted in that moment. But I was also proud that I could still see the man inside the carnage, and I've made it habit to look for that ever since.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Motherf********* Snakes on a Tree
I heard a thumping that sounded like someone breaking a window in the snake room. I went in, and Bette was in her cage. I tapped on the glass and I heard her heaving breath. She didn't bring her head over to the glass as she always did.
Something was wrong, but what?
Bette heaved herself around again, and her little branch smashed against the glass. Bette was stuck in her own tree branch. Wedged, hopelessly wedged. And snake things are strictly my own personal problem. Even one I'm very fond of, and especially Bette who is the biggest.
So, I get Bette's head in one hand and the tree branch in the other, and get her out into the room for a look. She's stuck, not bleeding, probably tired and scared. So I tried to pull her backwards, while holding onto her head and trying not to break her neck. She didn't think much of the idea.
"Bette" I reassured her, "I'll be right back" (You do realize snakes can't hear right?)
I came back with my supplies-one glove, one buck knife, the snake hook and a can of non alchol olive oil Pam. I was hoping she had freed herself while I was gone, but Bette was apparently hoping I'd come back and free her. So I grabbed her head again (but not like they do on TV with the poor jaws agape, I just held her tight enough so that she wouldn't turn and bite me I hoped) and I deployed the Pam Olive Spray (alcohol free).
Now I had a slippery, frightened, ten foot python stuck in a branch with a faint Italian smell. I tried the pulling thing again. No luck. So I steadied the branch, told Bette not to thrash and began to pry at the wet wood with my buck knife. I hacked away, trying to get wood and not snake. Remember, one hand is holding the snake, legs are holding the branch and I have one hand on the knife.
"Bette, I need two hands"....like she's going to have one to offer, right? "I know you hate bags, but I am going to bag your head so I can pry you free.".
Well, she hates bags so much when I bagged her head she started to back up-so I shook the bag around her head a little bit and out she popped-almost. Her head got stuck in the hole. So before either one of us could panic, I just gave a little tug and out popped her head-you could almost hear a cork in the soundtrack of my mind.
So now I have a frightened ten foot python who is probably light headed and disoriented loose in the room. Fortunately, snakes don't have much of a memory. I just tapped her with the hook like I always do and picked her up, checked her for cuts and put her back in her viv.
Sometimes the strangest things go thump in the night.
Something was wrong, but what?
Bette heaved herself around again, and her little branch smashed against the glass. Bette was stuck in her own tree branch. Wedged, hopelessly wedged. And snake things are strictly my own personal problem. Even one I'm very fond of, and especially Bette who is the biggest.
So, I get Bette's head in one hand and the tree branch in the other, and get her out into the room for a look. She's stuck, not bleeding, probably tired and scared. So I tried to pull her backwards, while holding onto her head and trying not to break her neck. She didn't think much of the idea.
"Bette" I reassured her, "I'll be right back" (You do realize snakes can't hear right?)
I came back with my supplies-one glove, one buck knife, the snake hook and a can of non alchol olive oil Pam. I was hoping she had freed herself while I was gone, but Bette was apparently hoping I'd come back and free her. So I grabbed her head again (but not like they do on TV with the poor jaws agape, I just held her tight enough so that she wouldn't turn and bite me I hoped) and I deployed the Pam Olive Spray (alcohol free).
Now I had a slippery, frightened, ten foot python stuck in a branch with a faint Italian smell. I tried the pulling thing again. No luck. So I steadied the branch, told Bette not to thrash and began to pry at the wet wood with my buck knife. I hacked away, trying to get wood and not snake. Remember, one hand is holding the snake, legs are holding the branch and I have one hand on the knife.
"Bette, I need two hands"....like she's going to have one to offer, right? "I know you hate bags, but I am going to bag your head so I can pry you free.".
Well, she hates bags so much when I bagged her head she started to back up-so I shook the bag around her head a little bit and out she popped-almost. Her head got stuck in the hole. So before either one of us could panic, I just gave a little tug and out popped her head-you could almost hear a cork in the soundtrack of my mind.
So now I have a frightened ten foot python who is probably light headed and disoriented loose in the room. Fortunately, snakes don't have much of a memory. I just tapped her with the hook like I always do and picked her up, checked her for cuts and put her back in her viv.
Sometimes the strangest things go thump in the night.
Have You ever Noticed?
I go dead calm in crisis mode and sometimes that annoys the bejesus out of me. Uncle John's mental state is tanking, decisions must be made. The time for me feeling bad because I can't sure Parkinson's is over and I must help him move forward to the next phase.
Update family, check. Call dr., check. Prepare to be the bad guy-check.
If I functioned this well all the time I would be a machine-an awesome, calculating machine. But, I think what makes it work is that you have to shut down emotions and wishes and deal with what is. Emotions are for when it's safe.
Dementia is scary as hell. In many ways, it's worse than death. Hell, in many ways LIFE is worse than death. My promise to John and to myself was not to look away during this time-I just really didn't think the time would come or come so quickly. I moved us back to be near family in June, and at this point I'm not sure John even knows where he is any longer.
He introduced me the other day as his "agent", he's regressing into military life I guess. So, I will do what was in my master plan, move him closer to me and sit with him through this next part of things. This is my "real job" for now.
And believe it or not, I am grateful to be able to do it. I don't know why I'm grateful, but that's the thought that comes to mind. No one should have to go crazy alone.
EDIT:
Your Horoscope for November 26 , 2007
Family matters will be important today. A relative may be moving house or going through a major life change and they will need your support
Update family, check. Call dr., check. Prepare to be the bad guy-check.
If I functioned this well all the time I would be a machine-an awesome, calculating machine. But, I think what makes it work is that you have to shut down emotions and wishes and deal with what is. Emotions are for when it's safe.
Dementia is scary as hell. In many ways, it's worse than death. Hell, in many ways LIFE is worse than death. My promise to John and to myself was not to look away during this time-I just really didn't think the time would come or come so quickly. I moved us back to be near family in June, and at this point I'm not sure John even knows where he is any longer.
He introduced me the other day as his "agent", he's regressing into military life I guess. So, I will do what was in my master plan, move him closer to me and sit with him through this next part of things. This is my "real job" for now.
And believe it or not, I am grateful to be able to do it. I don't know why I'm grateful, but that's the thought that comes to mind. No one should have to go crazy alone.
EDIT:
Your Horoscope for November 26 , 2007
Family matters will be important today. A relative may be moving house or going through a major life change and they will need your support
Snow-it SNOWED
Well, really it sort of frosted the grass. Apparently in Oklahoma it doesn't actually have to freeze to snow and have said snow stick. But, white stuff was on the ground, and being most recently from Texas, that means Snow Day. Since I am working from the house these days, a Snow Day is pretty much like any other, only with a more laid back feel.
My energy level is somewhat higher than my earlier comatose state, but not quite in a panic stricken "what am I doing with my life" state. I am tempted to practice careful avoidance of any issues for the entire day in order to maintain said state.
This wish is countered by my current Back 2 Basics protien fast-I'm on day 2. It's supposed to cleanse my mind and my body, although not as well as if I had also done the colon cleanse portion. I opted to increase vegetable juices, but not take anything that would encourage, uh, cleansing.
Of the four or five that embarked on this cleansing journey, I think I am the only one who hasn't eaten something yet. But I've got a fridge full of veggie juice and by golly, I am going to cleanse!
Come to think of it, I may not be relaxed, I may just be in a state of semi starvation.
Nothing really enlightening has popped into my mind, but it's early in the process. The only thing of note was that I took a mighty dump so big that I had to ask myself "where did all of that come from?" but there was no cosmic answer to the large mass in the toilet bowl.
I think I'll go soak my feet in some mustard powder to detox my pores while I retox them by sipping on some coffee.
My energy level is somewhat higher than my earlier comatose state, but not quite in a panic stricken "what am I doing with my life" state. I am tempted to practice careful avoidance of any issues for the entire day in order to maintain said state.
This wish is countered by my current Back 2 Basics protien fast-I'm on day 2. It's supposed to cleanse my mind and my body, although not as well as if I had also done the colon cleanse portion. I opted to increase vegetable juices, but not take anything that would encourage, uh, cleansing.
Of the four or five that embarked on this cleansing journey, I think I am the only one who hasn't eaten something yet. But I've got a fridge full of veggie juice and by golly, I am going to cleanse!
Come to think of it, I may not be relaxed, I may just be in a state of semi starvation.
Nothing really enlightening has popped into my mind, but it's early in the process. The only thing of note was that I took a mighty dump so big that I had to ask myself "where did all of that come from?" but there was no cosmic answer to the large mass in the toilet bowl.
I think I'll go soak my feet in some mustard powder to detox my pores while I retox them by sipping on some coffee.
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