Motherf********* Snakes on a Tree

I heard a thumping that sounded like someone breaking a window in the snake room. I went in, and Bette was in her cage. I tapped on the glass and I heard her heaving breath. She didn't bring her head over to the glass as she always did.

Something was wrong, but what?

Bette heaved herself around again, and her little branch smashed against the glass. Bette was stuck in her own tree branch. Wedged, hopelessly wedged. And snake things are strictly my own personal problem. Even one I'm very fond of, and especially Bette who is the biggest.

So, I get Bette's head in one hand and the tree branch in the other, and get her out into the room for a look. She's stuck, not bleeding, probably tired and scared. So I tried to pull her backwards, while holding onto her head and trying not to break her neck. She didn't think much of the idea.

"Bette" I reassured her, "I'll be right back" (You do realize snakes can't hear right?)

I came back with my supplies-one glove, one buck knife, the snake hook and a can of non alchol olive oil Pam. I was hoping she had freed herself while I was gone, but Bette was apparently hoping I'd come back and free her. So I grabbed her head again (but not like they do on TV with the poor jaws agape, I just held her tight enough so that she wouldn't turn and bite me I hoped) and I deployed the Pam Olive Spray (alcohol free).

Now I had a slippery, frightened, ten foot python stuck in a branch with a faint Italian smell. I tried the pulling thing again. No luck. So I steadied the branch, told Bette not to thrash and began to pry at the wet wood with my buck knife. I hacked away, trying to get wood and not snake. Remember, one hand is holding the snake, legs are holding the branch and I have one hand on the knife.

"Bette, I need two hands"....like she's going to have one to offer, right? "I know you hate bags, but I am going to bag your head so I can pry you free.".

Well, she hates bags so much when I bagged her head she started to back up-so I shook the bag around her head a little bit and out she popped-almost. Her head got stuck in the hole. So before either one of us could panic, I just gave a little tug and out popped her head-you could almost hear a cork in the soundtrack of my mind.

So now I have a frightened ten foot python who is probably light headed and disoriented loose in the room. Fortunately, snakes don't have much of a memory. I just tapped her with the hook like I always do and picked her up, checked her for cuts and put her back in her viv.

Sometimes the strangest things go thump in the night.

Bette

Forever Young I couldn't find the images of Bette I photoshopped into a blue snake, so here she is in her normal living color. She's a bit longer now, maybe 9 feet? It's hard to measure a snake when no one will help.

Ankh

I bought this girl because of the perfect Ankh symbol on her head.

My thoughts on HB 1309

Ok, my tax dollars are being spent regulating the movement of Non-native SNAKES? Shouldn’t we be worried about the non-native PEOPLE draining our system dry? Maybe we could think about some protection against terrorists instead of worrying about what kind of pet I might keep.

Now, it’s ok to keep a snake-it just has to be a Texas approved snake. So, if my locally caught rattlesnake happens to bite someone-oh well. I didn’t need a license for it. Nor do I need a license if I am a carnival or a menagerie keeper?

Well shit, I’m set because I’m a fat lady with a one eyed dog.

I don’t see the point of this legislation other than a reaction to media frenzy created by the picture of the python who exploded while eating an alligator. We must ban non-native species (most of which wouldn’t survive the winter) because, well, dang it, we’re in Texas and we don’t hold with them non-native species. So thar.

Now granted, every now and then a big constrictor gets out and squeezes someone, usually the owner, and most often alcohol or rampant stupidity is involved. So why not legislate against alcohol consumption or rampant stupidity? These are a more prevalent threat to the public safety and well being. Of course, that might involve removing some of the members of the legislature.

I’ve been bitten by a lot of critters, the most painful being a common housecat and a cocker spaniel. No one worries about those hazards-there is no common housecat legislation pending, and the cocker spaniel coalition would never allow those plucky little fellers to be defamed in the political arena.

One spring I did have a big, non-native constrictor turn up on my doorstep (I swear it’s true). AND I had a common housecat, a 5 pound chihuahua, plus, one small child at the time. I think it (the snake)was a young reticulated python, about 8 feet long. It was basking in the sun. I called animal control. Problem solved.

Really guys, this isn’t a serious public threat. I can speak as someone who has been there, on the receiving end of a visitation by a large, non-native constrictor.

As a citizen of the great state of Texas, I demand that someone get on board with the idea we in the risk management area like to call priorities. Prioritize items by severity of threat and by likelihood of occurrence. Don’t think too hard-they have programs that will do that for you. Next, address the threats in order of importance. The programs will map it out for you in color if you like-start with the red, move to the yellow, so on. Since you are spending tax dollars, go ahead and pop for a program that incorporates orange as well.

Once you get everything AHEAD of the threat to the public well being from non-native snakes-give me a call and we’ll talk.

I don't make these things up

There is probably nothing funnier than a naked fat lady in a wheelchair looking for a six foot python and ducking down to roll past the windows cause the lawn guy is outside. Except, perhaps if the fat lady has to catch the python before she can let the dogs back in because the lawn guy needs to mow the backyard. Add a little spice-she has a meeting with her boss who hasn’t been in the best of moods lately-but she can’t leave the snake loose and the dogs caged-it wouldn’t be quite sporting.

Welcome to my Tuesday ladies and gentleman.

I was multi-tasking-checking the snakes while drying clothes when I discovered Alfred’s break out. The morning is a bit of a blur, but I think I tossed off my nightie, remembered that I needed to dry a shirt to wear, and then backtracked to look at the snakes. The dogs were outside, so I must have put them there and I did manage to eat breakfast before the fun began.

Some facts: Alfred is large, but can curl up into small places. He isn’t a threat to humans, but the gerbils and the dogs and the cat would be at risk. If Alfred were to manage to visit the next door neighbors, he’d be a goner, it would probably make the news and I could be in big trouble. I keep extra security on the big snakes, so I KNEW he was in one room, but I couldn’t leave until he was secure again. I am also very fond of Alfred and wanted him safe and sound.

The thing about snakes is this-you can’t just go charging around looking for them, it upsets them. I can’t go charging around anyway at this point. So I sat back, collected my thoughts and priorities.

First priority-get my orthopedic boot on because if I did find the snake I would need to focus on the snake, not protecting my foot. Yet, I’ve fussed with this foot far too long already to go plowing over it or otherwise damaging it at this late date. (Vacation plans in two weeks). The pants I intended to wear won’t fit over the boot-,so I had to put my pants on, then the boot, then my other shoe. All set and properly protected now.

My shirt was now dry, but I forgot to toss a bra in the dryer. Next step-dry bra and put on a tie dye T-shirt in the meantime, carefully searching the drawer that contained the shirt in the off chance that it contained the python. Now the windows are no longer a threat, my foot is safe and all I have to do is find Alfred.

Easy enough. Alfred isn’t a climber, he wasn’t under or in the bed, and he hates plastic. Move dresser (from a sitting position in the wheelchair) being careful not to pick up the dresser lest it fall on the snake. Hissing reveals snake, who sticks his head out just to make sure I heard him and understand he is not happy. Move dresser some more to expose snake, who counters by wrapping his tail around the dresser.

Ask yourself “what would Steve Irwin do?” So, I pick up the snake, but he isn’t letting go of the dresser. I open the closet door next to the dresser and say “Look Alfred, there is a good place to hide-no biting!” and sure enough Alfred takes off for the closet. Wheelchair doesn’t fit between wall and dresser, so Alfred gets into the closet before I can grab him. I get some tail (ha ha) but he’s wedged his big fat self in a plastic milk crate.

I offer him a clothes basket, but he hates plastic and now he pretty much isn’t happy with anything or anyone. Did I mention Alfred is wild caught snake, an adult, and only in captivity for maybe a month now? That’s probably why he hates plastic and imagine his horror to find the girls he was searching for encased in the stuff (snake racks).

Ask yourself again “what would Steve Irwin do?” Sit in wheelchair and contemplate things while holding onto the back end of an angry snake is what I did, but then it came to me what Steve WOULD do! I picked up the crate and said “no biting” and carried Alfred back to his vivarium which is full of logs and wood and things he likes. He immediately took off for his favorite log at his usual snail’s pace. I stood on one foot holding up the plastic case while he meandered back home, keeping his tail firmly wrapped around the milk case just to spite me.

Shut viv, firmly this time and sit down in wheelchair. Whew.

Call boss, go to work and weigh all the politics and power struggles against the sheer delight of chasing down a wild animal in your house. The thing is, I NEEDED that adrenalin rush and I needed to do something both physically and mentally challenging. No one is likely to intimidate me today at the office

I made it fully clothed, in the right clothes-and I didn’t bring my lunch on purpose today. Today was a day for fish tacos and spinning tales of the wild.

Getting the Chair and Relocating Bertha Butt

I am alternately struck by complete angst over all the decisions big and small that need to be made concerning my life and complete disdain for what a spoiled brat I am by not recognizing how lucky I am to HAVE choices.

Last night I hobbled through another fabric store and found IT-the perfect fabric that wasn’t what I imagined it to be at all-but when I saw it, I knew it. A 70’s green background with purple and blue chenille stripes. As soon as I saw it I knew it belonged with the Scotty and the Polyperk and the Tupperware. I also found some interlock knit that will have to be made into a lounger or something to lounge outside the Scotty in. Mom is set for her projects, and I think she was feeling a bit left out.

Then I went to Target, caught a ride on the electric chair and bagged an exercise ball for my dog’s therapy, sterlite and some melamine dishes for the snakes, and some cheap weights to weight the tanks down. Now a few days ago I ranted about nosey retailers, and sometimes I rant about indifferent retailers, but I was tired and very glad that the check out girl didn’t ask me what I was going to do with all that stuff. I think she assumed I was just another fat lady starting an exercise program-and I was happy my true, sinister purposes were not revealed.

With the new sterlite I was able to make a temporary double tank for the smaller snakes and separate the Butt sisters who are too big to share a tank. Bertha, the bigger of the Butts, has already settled down. I really meant to name them Janis Joplin and Cass Elliot, but when I brought them home and was putting them away, out of my mouth came, unbidden “Her name was Bertha, Bertha Butt....one of the Butt sisters.....she was a biiiiiiiiig woman.” (Troglodyte-one hit wonder from the 60’s or 70’s).

I was actually planning to blog and try to explain why I like the snakes, but that’s like explaining why you like chocolate or pate-you either do or you don’t. When people are at my home, and if they are interested and willing, I do enjoy showing the snakes and sometimes opinions change. But telling someone we’d be over run with vermin if it weren’t for snakes doesn’t seem to make the non-snake people feel any better about them.

I feel the same way about my tattoos. The funniest thing I ever hear is if I am in shorts around someone I’ve know for awhile. They always say “Wow, you never TOLD me you had some big tattoos.” The idea of of doing that always creeps me out-like saying “come up and see my etchings”... Lately, people have been quite shocked about my deformed feet-because again, they do not show.

Is the “mask” idea in reverse? I’m going to hide by not telling you every single detail about me? I don’t think so, it’s more that the time and context never was right.

I’m waxing philosophical because one of the things I thought about on my trip was -did I leave Oklahoma to be who I am, and if I had stayed, would I be different, and if I went back, would I change? (Multipart thoughts are commonplace in my brain-keep up). I even looked at houses for sale, trying to find one on my old street-I really have the urge to go back (even further back than the original Scotty it seems).

Some of it is continuing guilt over not living near my parents now that they are getting older. Me and an entire generation. But there is an aspect of the quest that infuses some of the decisions I am making-and it would sure as hell be helpful if I knew what it was I was looking for.

Rearranging

My baby girl did NOT like that temporary cardboard box, so I put ina dog crate with he doors removed. This met wih her approval and she is asleep on it after scratching her chin on the 32, yes 32 dollar log I bought for her today. But when he sheds, she's gonna need that log.

It is very hard to pick up a 6 foot snake when you are only 5'5" and can't stand up. Requires patience on the part of the human and the snake.

Oh, my baby ball pythons came today-they are cuties! I named them He and She. Still haven't settled on a name for the big girl.