Odd Reaction

I honestly thought Uncle John was dead when we walked in-he had no expression (Parkinson's) and his eyes were fixed and unfocused. My first thought was "how am I going to explain this to Mom without upsetting her?" and then he blinked.

I told Mom later and she laughed and said "did you think I wouldn't notice if my brother were dead?" but I think she understood the impulse to protect.

Another bizarre event occurred while we were there. Mom was lecturing John on eating, and she began poking him in his ribs..."look, look at those ribs" but it was like she was talking to a baby...."they stick out further than my boobies"...."MOM" I wailed, to snap her out of it....and she said "oh, what, John knows about boobies" and I just said "I can't sit here and talk about your boobies with my Uncle". Unspoken, was the thought that someone who spent 20 years alone might not want his ribs poked, or maybe he did.

Now it's all kind of funny now, but at the time my brain just overloaded for a moment. It's kind of like shock therapy though, because I've felt better since, of course, it may have something to do with the bowl of ice cream I ate.

Yes, lap band and all, I still eat ice cream. But honestly, I don't justify it when I do-it's a treat, it's comfort food, I'm very intentional about it.

I had the ice cream after I got the call that Uncle John had fallen again. I worked out with the nurse a plan to at least make a wheelchair available even if he won't use it. Then I went down, told Mom about the fall and my odd reaction and we had a lovely discussion of dead bodies in the dining room in the olden days and a good natured row about my not wanting to be viewed when I'm gone.

We joke about it, sometimes crudely, but we all agree that now is the time to hold hands and poke ribs, not later.

Meditation Flower

This rose reminds me of a labyrinth, both leading inward and outward from the central light. Our minds will fill happily or not so happily with all manner of thoughts-look to the flowers to bring us back to simplicity. I love roses, hardy beings, well armored, yet completely beautiful and fragile. No either or with a rose, but both.

Drive will you?

I drove to McKinney today to clear my head out. It's pretty empty now, and it feels nice, so I think I'll just leave it that way for a bit.

Do I have SAD?

That sounds like a Dr. Suess Book. I have SAD. SAD SAD SAD. It could be bad, oh yes, very bad.

SAD is probably no laughing matter, and I probably have it. But I already take Prozac, and I have a natural light lamp I need to hook up for the prescribed minutes of the day and see if that makes things better. Wouldn't it be great if it worked?

If not, I suppose I'll have to head out to the Caribbean in order to recover my good mood. Hey, maybe SAD aint so bad....

Birds on a Wire

When I open my eyes in the morning I am usually looking out at the sky, part of my pear tree, a part of a neighbor's tree and the phone/power wires. It's become a regular feature of my day to lie there quietly and watch the sun (if it's around) brighten up the the little patch of sky and the various wires that make up modern society.

Often there is a squirrel doing his high wire act, flicking his tail and chattering. Today I saw a cardninal-there aren't as many in OKC as there were in Dallas. A crow landed on the top of the pole with a piece of a bagel and had himself quite a feast. A flock of really fat doves landed on the wires and made it bow with their weight.

Today is a day that will call for patience. I'm taking my Mom to John's old place to "help me" pack some of his stuff, which means I'll run around, do what I'm told until she's read to quit and then we'll leave and I'll go back later. No, it's not the most efficient way of doing things, but it lets her feel like she's a part of what is going on. And she needs to feel that way more than I need a single trip packing session.

This afternoon is the much anticipated water aerobics Christmas Party, so I will shave my legs and go. My plan is to float in the water as much as possible and let Mom socialize-there's a lot for her to tell people about-I'm not eating sweets, all my snakes died, my tree fell down, etc...

But the truth of my day is the best part was watching the birds on a wire, snuggling with my dogs. And I've got some projects in the works, a biking club for middle aged women (even got myself a sponsor) and some other things that are stirring. I'm learning to be a little selfish and keep some of those things back just for me, like the part about waking up and enjoying the sunshine on the wires.

It's the little things that keep us sane.

Happiness is a Strange Bird

Sometimes I get happy at the strangest moments. Today at lunch, my aunt's eyes were filled with tears because behind me someone on the Alz. Unit had messed in the dining room floor. Shortly thereafter, another elderly gentleman decided to streak around the unit.

My mother tried to understand the meaning of the word haiku and she thought Uncle John was babbling when in fact he made perfect sense and was doing wordplay off the word thank you....

But, I was holding my Uncle's hand, and the three siblings were together, despite the rather absurd circumstances. And I got a big dose of energy and a "well done" feeling from the Universe because my brave little band of old folks did not let old age or dementia keep us from this gathering.

And, I also really got it that I don't have to "shelter" Mom and my Aunt from John's dementia-they can go visit or not, but my job is to facilitate, hug when one of them needs it, and that is it. I cannot save them from old age and death. Which is, believe it or not, what I've been trying to do.

This was the testing of an idea I had a few days ago-that maybe the best way to relate to older folks is with energy and few words...much like I do with the dogs. Because-with the elderly, words get a little jumbled and cause frustration. I may be on to something.

And equally exciting, is how that makes me feel-happy, connected, like after a good dog training session. I'm really looking forward to bringing the dogs to the unit-because I understand now how/why they connect and what true good it does for those people. And my hope is, the little old people and the dogs will teach me to speak the same language they do.

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz......

Sometimes the anticipation of a thing is worse than the thing itself. Today's task-get John into the Geriatric Psyche program, with clothes and utensils. Added difficulty-he freaks out when you pack, I have no idea why. So I am just going to go buy a satchel of clothes for him to take-he needs new clothes anyway.

I'm hoping that I'll be able to sleep tonight-I haven't slept well in some time. I'd like to shuttle all the doglets off to the kennel, but then I'd never get out of bed at all. At least the weather is nice and I can take a dog with me today.

Greta likes car work the best, so she's the chosen one. She'll be thrilled!

Get On With It

Since the Starbucks incident, two more people have questioned me about a purchase. Mom doesn't really count, she always does that. I was buying dog food at the vet and the girl behind the counter said "Oh, you can buy Fit and Trim at Walmart, it's really cheap and works good...." and I like the girl so I didn't want to tell her I don't feed grocery store food but I actually had to ask her twice to go the bloody damned reduced calorie dog food. SHIT.

The second one was at Academy Sports, and I'm afraid I lost my temper a bit over that one. I wanted a freestanding punching bag, so that is what I asked for. The guy walked over to the hanging bags and said "You mean one of these?" And I said, "No, I want one that stands on the floor."

He nods and says in a very omniscient way "Oh, you want a FREESTANDING punching bag" and I said "YES, that's why I ASKED for one". So Einstein goes for help and a ladder and at that point I noticed there were two kinds of FREESTANDING bags-well three if you count the one with the man's torso on it but it was like $300 and he looked a bit like a Ken Doll.

"What's the difference between the Everlast and the Freewave?" I asked. Einstein's helper replied "Uh, about 2 dollars" and I said "Fine, I want an Everlast"

Einstein was already at the top of his ladder and he says "But I'm already up HERE" and friends, my go with the flow just flew somewhere else. Before I could stop it, out of my mouth flew (in a scarily cheerful tone) "well, you better get your ass down here then because I want an Everlast."

And then I cracked up laughing at myself and the whole ludicrous situation. And maybe, just maybe that IS going with the flow, because I didn't feel angry or insulted any longer. AND, when I went over to the hunting department and bought my buck knife, no one questioned me.

How do I tell you, you're cRazy?

It's really not funny, but that phrase keeps going through my head with Cat Steven's voice and the tune to How do I tell you that I love you.....

My brother is here on his visit and we finally had a chance to talk. I didn't want to have to talk about it-his MIL just passed away after a fairly lengthy illness and sporadic in home dementia. But I think our own mother is in the first, well, well into the first stages of some type of dementia.

Dementia Rescue on Yahoo has been a great source of support for me. And, I have a lot of practice with Uncle John. Yesterday I unclogged his sink (he'd put a big piece of cardboard over the drain hole) and today I just shut the open refrigerator without comment. But Uncle John was already IN the hospital when he came back to me-and he's my Uncle, not my mother.

Bill said there was a lot of wisdom in just letting the doctor handle it-and following "medical advice". He's had a lot of experience lately and Dr.'s orders carry a lot of weight with that generation (my parent's not my brother's).

I love both my parents and the truth is, they are probably both in the dementia years, but Mom's getting to the hurtful outburst stage. The other thing is, I am always and will forever be the black sheep of the family. If I am suddenly excommunicated from the family for suggesting a Dr. visit, that will be really awkward since I live one house down. But, if that happens, maybe they'll both forget that they hate me in a little while.

The thing is, it's not about me-it's about what's best for Mom, Dad and their life. I would hate to feel like I could have done something to make things better and didn't because I was afraid to. Mid life crisis is not all about red sport car and affairs withh hot young men.

Last Supper

So Mom talked about diet and nutritiion the whole way down to Jakes, then she wanted me to bring the leftovers home in case I got hungry. I don't think she's quite with the program yet. She wants to get a list of foods I can have. When I told her in the beginning it's a texture thing, she began thinking of all the things she can grind up.

My mother feels about food the way I feel about, oh snakes-excited and wanting to learn everything there is. It has something to do with living in the depression, being poor, and made to feel fat by the popular culture. I feel about my mother the same way-suddenly I want to learn everything there is-without judging, just letting her be and trying to understand.

We, or maybe just me (but I don't think so) burden our parents with a lot of shoulds-this is how they should be to please me. This is how I wish they were-then MY life would be perfect. Yet I am the same person who held up a snake in the air to admire her belly, and laughed at a 7 foot python because she was in a bad mood and struck at me. Somethings not quite right about that.

My lap band is not going to be a solo journey. Food is like this major battle between Mom and me, as well as body image. But like me holding up the snake-maybe she really just wants to hold ME up and look and try to understand.

and the beat goes on....

I took the dogs in a day early so I could prepare for my vacation. Yep, I brought them back too early in the process, but they were wearing Mom out, work is wearing ME out, moving is wearing me out, surgery is wearing me out, hell’s bells, I’m just wore out. I was too tired to take my vacation at Christmas, so I think my previous vacation was in August when we went to California.

Well, the road trip with Sue to pick up the car in October was practically a vacation. It was sort of a vacation with a purpose. We both really needed a big dose of staring vacantly at the open landscape, punctuated with visits with my relatives and the trip to Monterrey Bay. Sue is in Florida this week picking out a house and ordering room service...another vacation with a purpose.

This is probably the longest I’ve gone without vacation in, well, recent history. I am normally a frequent, short vacation person. But life and health and all that intervenes.

My goal now is to get John and I moved in time for me to go on the Noel Campout/Kayak trip. Then I have to find a job. Actually, I may try to freelance, temp work through the end of the year because I have a couple more vacations planned that I don’t want to miss.

Someone asked me if I was too busy to take time to be ME what with all the elderly relatives-but I replied “I’m always me” and my first rule is that I look out after myself. No one has the luxury of me being able to crack up at the moment, so I’m taking careful emotional, physical readings.

Still, moving back to Oklahoma is embarking on a whole new emotional journey, and I am not going to ignore the ghosts from the past issue. But shit, ghosts from the past or unknown future landmines-isn’t it always something?

Body then the Mind

I indulged in a complete mini breakdown yesterday-unable to shake off some fury that was created at work-I slept, and only ate healthy food. That got my leg back in order (let myself walk a little too fast and a little too stompy because I was pissed off) and the coffee is putting my mind back to rights as well.

I have to enclose myself in my home and my animals, or head out on the open road, before I can get that perspective that says "so what".

I was right and the other person was wrong INJUSTICE complete INJUSTICE on many levels and ironically, it wasn't even MY fight, clearly it was in another area and if the other area doesn't care, why should I? (That's an easy answer, my boss cares and it's in my best interest to care about what he cares about). Oh yes people, I was right, right, right and the slimy bastard was wrong wrong wrong and nothing happened except that I had to change a RIGHTEOUS report to an ACCURATE but not RIGHTEOUS report and it pissed me off and I stomped my poor old leg.

We human beings have this need to be righteous, don't we? Even my boss pointed out I had let it turn into a pissing contest,and he is right. The goal was accomplished, late and with much annoyance to me, but the goal was achieved. IF the SB (slimy bastard) had been a dog I would have clicked and treated and then raised the criteria next time-but he is allegedl a human, as am I, and I didn't want to accomplish the goal I wanted to win win win. Crush and utterly defeat this person.

My predatory, carniverous side found something to be RIGHT about and latched onto it with lethal intent-a RIGHTEOUS kill. Enemy vanquished, utterly defeated. And then, when it didn't happen, all that anger just turned inward and I had a shitty day yesterday. (But my leg did benefit from the rest).

It's not a pleasant thing to look at that side of yourself. It makes me feel/look a little like people I don't want to feel/look like, but there it is.

And really, I'm still me, I still have what I have, SB is still himself and in a few days SB's boss and I will exchange a joking e-mail or something and that will be the end of it. Spring is still springing, I have dogs and snakes and gerbils to play with-the exchange cost me nothing-nothing at all except some peace of mind, and frankly, if I wasn't sideways about that it probably would have been something else.

I don't know which is more frightening-how powerful the mind is, or the chaos that happens when a pack of minds gets together and unleashes a common goal on the real world.