Wow (Gross) and Stuff

Ok, I had something happen that I'd heard about, and believed, but had never had it happen to me before-something I ate a couple of days ago, returned, and got stuck firmly in my stoma (the small hole made by the lap band). I mean stuck, well and good-nothing goes in, nothing comes out and yes it hurt. After producing slimey saliva (called sliming) for a couple of hours, walking around, heating pad, I was able to give a mighty heave and dislodge the offending particle.

Of course, I looked to see what had caused the issue-and there was a piece of bacon from a few days ago. (I don't eat bacon even close to every day, so I knew when the last time I had eaten bacon was). My friend Sue had the same thing happen wth a mushroom once. LIttle bastard just hung out in her digestive tract and waited for its chance.

It doesn't happen often, and I've finally gotten the chewing of the food properly down, but apparently I had a slip up. It was weird cause I've been trouble free for some time, but chewing rules still apply and apparently not all karma is instant.

I know I've lost 91 pounds and I am pretty sure I've dropped a few since I last weighed-I think I'll weigh next week and see. There is a lot of work still to be done (headwise) and that is something I never addressed before-I just lost weight and then tried to forget I was ever heavy. I've got a loose, but close (if that makes sense) support group of women who are in varying stages of weight loss, and we are all very open and honest about the head parts of it-because we all believe it's the head that messed us up in the beginning.

I am pretty diligent in looking out for surgical anorexia/bulemic behaviors/attitudes. Give a fat girl a tool to lose weight, and some don't know when to stop. The press tends to blame the surgeons, and I don't-not really. It's all a choice we make. I know as things heat up in the WLS market, bariatric surgeons and plastic surgeons are teaming up, and that makes me a little uncomfortable-because they are selling the magazine image instead of health.

I was gung ho on plastics-that's one of the reason's why I was banded in Mexico, to save enough money to ice the cake so to speak. Now, I'm really not. And funny as it may seem, it's not the money or the frivolity of it-it's the pain factor. A lower body lift (the holy grail of all plastics) plus boob job means 6 weeks of sitting still and feeling like shit while you do it. Now, I could write for 6 weeks and that would be great-but who would work my dogs, take care of my snakes, carry Oliver around and do his bidding? I could hire someone to live in and take care of me-and that would suck too. And for what-a picture worthy tummy?

I think it would be different if I had medical issues that could be addressed. I have friends who do, and I understand the need. But I just don't need it. What is that saying? "A body isn't something to treat like a treasure, instead you should barrel through life, skid sideways into the grave and say "woooo, what a ride!"

MMMM mmmm good

I thought I was finally cracking up-but then I realized I must have posted my last post after midnight. I meant for my Wednesday post to be a lighthearted diatribe on the joys of a subway sandwich.

I love my lapband, but it does not love bread. So, today, on the eve of my fill, I decided to take advantage of my empty lapband and enjoy a subway sandwich. It was Daddy's idea to go to subway, I was just there yesterday (for a salad) but I really wanted to give that bread a try. Once more for old time's sake.

It was heaven. It required a bit of chewing, but it went down without too much fuss.

What's really interesting, at least to me, is that it didn't trigger an immediate and unquenchable reaction so snosh down and ton of bread products. I really thought it might. It was good, don't get me wrong, but other than wanting to write about it, I have no desire to sit and think about it any more than that. Coming from someone who used to crave subway, that's a big change.

So many of the things that used to be "problem foods" are really not. I've gone from a sweet treat every couple of days to maybe every couple of weeks. I will throw out ice cream because it gets old before I finish it.

I pretty much have complete honesty with myself now. I know when I'm at the grocery store if something might be a problem, and if it is, I don't buy it.

At subway today, I ate until I lost interest, and left the rest. I came home, recorded the meal (I'm tracking food right now) and didn't have a feeling either way about it-it was just lunch, with my father, and it was nice, but not a cause for triumph or defeat.

These are all positive, healthy changes. I sometimes forget my own advice about acknowledging your own accomplishments, so I decided to do so today.

Wipe Out

I know in this time of war and turbulence, this isn't a big deal, but it is a big deal to me and unless I acknowledge that, I can't move on.

Mom, Jean and I went to water aerobics last night. The water was warm, Mom was more relaxed and I moved away from her to let her interact with people on her own. So, the next thing I notice as I'm marching in place is my mother voice carrying across the entire pool (granted, it's a small pool) explaining about my lap band surgery, how much weight I've lost to date, when I'm going to weigh again, and yes, it was a method of "last resort". Because I'm very comfortable in the water, I left the rail to the ones who weren't, so I'm in the middle of the pool while this is going on, waving my arms and looking green.

It was a horrible, horrible experience. I might as well have been completely nekkid, oh wait, when we change I will be. I'm sure Mom will be happy to point out my scars.

And, people, being people, are going to be watching me now to see how I do. Which is what I wanted to avoid.

So, what does one DO? I'm not going to storm out of the class, Mom adores the class and so do I. If I speak to her about it, she's just going to shut down and not make friends. And she needs little old lady friends.

I guess the thing I learned so far was that a person can survive having all their "masks" stripped away. But it isn't a terribly safe feeling. No, it doesn't feel safe at all.

Yesterday started out so well, and ended so damn badly, and it's carried over to today and I'm not sure how to shake it. There is no right wrong to the situation, it's just Mom likes to talk and I am a very private person. Even now it's hard to think about it and stay with it to try and uncover what the "big deal" is.

Ironically, I thought I'd be able to lose weight without the fuss that accompanied the Medifast debacle-with nosey coworkers asking all kinds of nosey questions. Now they don't have to ask, neighbors, relatives and class mates get the latest news broadcast.

Ah, so is it becaue it's MY news? Or am I refusing to own my own weight loss? If we don't own the loss, we might not have to own the fat, right? I'm all about facing things, and this is just another thing to face. I have to own what I've done and what I'm doing. In a bathing suit, twice a week. I'll need some water shoes.

The Family Dinner Table

I am having trouble eating around people an apparently that is a common thing amongst the banded. However, it made me think about the on air campaigns for the family dinner table. Is dinner really the best time to broach painful subjects or exciting subjects?

I do think families need the bonding time of sharing meals, but how we share those meals and what we share might be up for some revision.

Maybe we need to step back even further and say that eating is an activity worthy of it's own time and place and quit double tasking dinner. I mean, what would happen if we just sat there quietly and ate and enjoyed our food?

Since being banded, I get into trouble if I don't at least pay some attention to bite size, taste, chewing, swallowing. But I wonder, if I had done that before, would I have ever ended up being fat in the first place?

We have such confusing messages around food-eat eat eat DON'T EAT YOU'LL GET FAT.....and also, eat, eat but don't pay attention to your food, talk to me....Toddlers, now they know how to EAT. They touch, taste, feel that food, admire
the color, the texture, the smell.

Maybe that's what we should strive for-returning to that state where we interacted with our food before eating it. Back to the days where we had to pay attention or we'd choke.

The Horned Lizard Massacre

Stupid UPS man stepped on one of my horned lizards. Poor little thing, he was one of my favorites too. He was just out basking on the sidewalk, not hurting anyone and splat, the modern world comes and that's the end of the little platy rhino.

At least he died quick, on swift stomp and that was it. I went down to get some sympathy from mom who said "He probably thought it was a bug and he was doing you a favor...AND if you cared about them you wouldn't have let them loose in the front yard." Great. So now the fault is mine. Brilliant Ma.

I thought they'd be safer in the front yard than in the back, less predation, more places to hide. I did the best I could, and it just wasn't enough to help this one. I suppose that's a lesson too, sometimes all you can do just isn't enough.

But, I still have the dream of seeing wild horned lizards caper in my rose garden one day.

I'm tired today, I'm having Band Rage (can't eat so I'm stressed without that outlet) and the chainsaws and the lizards and the general lack of any sign from the Universe that I'm doing the right thing is getting to me.

What if my life is like that lizards? What if all I can do just isn't enough?

Something I posted

On a forum-but I liked it.....

I meditated some more on your post and I came up with this-I'm really good at diving into things and good at things that require super human effort. Weight loss (for a big loss) isn't like that-it requires slow, consistent, regular effort-not my best thing ever. LOL.

The band is there to help us control quantity, but it's up to us to look at the other things and make good choices, which is what you are doing. Some of the things I've confronted in myself are not pleasant-but the band allows us to confront them without eating a bag of potato chips afterward.

We are all releasing weight at the rate that our mnds/bodies will allow-and that is the hardest lesson (for me to learn) is to just be myself. In fact by losing weight we are not changing ourselves, we are becoming ourselves.

Out of the Closet (secrets revealed)

The absolute truth is it is more like out of the clothing sack-the jeans haven't made it into the closet yet. But, out of the closet is a much better title.

Where to start? My name is Deb, and I'm an...no wait. How odd that a clothing size would link in my mind to a support group. Anyway, I procrastinate. Hey, it's what I do best.

I reached a milestone of sorts in Conroe Texas at the Liz Claiborne Outlet at around noon last Friday. I actually tried on clothes in a dressing room for the first time in at least over 2 years. I love catalogues, I love Cato because I knew what size I wore-it was easy. Go in, grab, leave. Throw out the old, and done.

But losing weight, coupled with a desire to celebrate and a real need for some jeans all converged and put me in a dressing room with 2 possible sizes and an eons old dilemma. One size fit, but I'm losing weight, right? One size I could squeeze shut, and I looked like a sausage NOW, but I'm losing weight, right?

Both were the same price, no help, no sign from above. Just a fat woman who wants to be smaller. I thought about buying them both-really, the price was right.

I sat down in the dressing room and really really thought about it. For the first time ever that I can recall I chose NOW. The size that looked nice NOW. I celebrated the 18 pounds I have lost, not the 98 pounds I plan to lose. I celebrated the current accomplishment.

Now I chose a Size 20. Technically I am down 2 sizes because I thought my jeans were a 24 and it turns out they were a 22. Yeah, it's been awhile since I bought jeans.

I have never before revealed a current size in a non weight loss related forum. This is big stuff for me. It's hard to do and I'd really like to puke.

But, my heart is telling me that in order to have a different future, I have to do things differently. And, that includes being nice to myself in the present, not in the possibly slim future. Who knew being nice to yourself was so tough?

Apparently a lot of people. In a group therapy session as a teenager I had to sit an say thank you to compliments-only thank you. The only way I got through that horror was to tell myself "they don't really mean it".

But I really do mean it-I love these jeans, these size 20 right now fitting me jeans. And, I am really, humbly grateful that I could share an epiphany that didn't start out with "I was sitting on the toilet....."

My Anti Sugar Picture

I really don't have anything against cinnamon rolls-I rather enjoy them. Well, the smell mostly now since doughy bread sticks in my stoma. But I made this for someone in lap band forum who was struggling with sweets. I struggle with portraying snakes in a negative light, but in this case it was the snake portrayed in a negative light for a greater good. So that must make it alright. I'm sure of it.

Where the heck am I supposed to be?

Didn't get on the plane this morning-just didn't want to. Cold front coming through would have killed the reptiles IF the heater doesn't work. Apparently it does but it hasn't been used in two years and I couldn't take the risk. I woke up twice with a horrible pit in my stomach thinking "you are needed here today". One I could ignore, two, not a good idea.

The thing is, I may never know what I escaped or what I prevented, but I really feel like here is where I need to be and here is where I'll be. I also believe, since we are talking about such things, that God looks out for those who at least make a good faith effort-so if my vibes were a bit off, or my interpretation correct, I've still earned points for listening.

There are two kinds of vibes. One is the go ahead vibe, and that can sometimes be blurred by wanting to do the thing you are getting the vibe to go ahead and do. The DON'T vibe is usually dead on and when I do after being told don't, I usually regret it.

So, I spent the morning reworking, rescheduling but not minding it at all because I feel like I am where I'm supposed to be. Called Sue, she isn't sure what she's supposed to be doing, so I asked her to come here next weekend so we could sit in the backyard and watch the dogs and drink wine and talk about what we think it might be that we'd like to do. It's very convenient to have a dear friend who is as mixed up as I am.

So, I am going BACK to Houston to get a lap band fill, then will pick up an 11 year old dog in Dallas who needs a home. Take John for glasses on Saturday. John to Dr. on Monday. What else? Oh yeah, gotta clear out a bed for Sue.

A little more road time may help set my head right-it usually does. Road time with parents is different because there is talking, and it's good to share the road with them. But it's also good to go alone.

At this point in my midlife crisis I really have no map. And, it's a little frightening-when you don't know exactly what is wrong, it's very hard to know what to do. I would define depression as not being able to get out of bed and get moving at all. This fugue I'm in is different-I'm up and around, I just don't know where to go or what to do with myself.

I'm also being uncharacteristically cautious. Normal mode of operation is just do SOMETHING and see what shakes out. But right now I am content just to do what clearly needs doing and wait for a bigger picture. Is this wisdom or lack of nerve, or are both the same thing?

Zooming in on my way out

Back from Austin today-off to sunny Tijuana tomorrow.

Some of my carefully planned foodage was fed to a pride of wild kittens that lived near the condo where we stayed. Said feral cats feasted on gourmet chicken and salmon, but this morning there were 8 of them and the cat food I bought on Saturday was long gone. The deer were miffed that the kittens were fed first, but it turned out well and the biggest buck ate from my hand again.

Lots to digest (mentally) from this trip, but right now I have to wash some under garments and try and pick the last few prickly pear spines from my fingers and palms. I arrived back at my house at 8 pm and promptly began feeding lizards, snake cage cleaning and listening to the cat yowl about how she was neglected and mistreated while I was away. I gave her a nice yummy bit of tripe and whipped out a new cat bed I had saved for such a moment-bribery works well with old cats as well as small children.

I'm going for my first "fill" and my first weigh in since I had surgery. Last week I was nervous about it all, today I am just too tired. 1200 miles in 4 days will do that to a person.

Remember that I was concerned about telling people about my surgery? Turns out I needn't have worried-Mom and Dad have told ALL the neighbors (current) and today at lunch they told their former neighbors in Waco. News of my lap band surgery, done in MEXICO no less, has spread now to both coasts and the heartland.

And quite frankly, I don't care. All the memories of diet success and failures are just that. Today is today, and the past is just well, gone. And sticks and stones may break my bones and all that. Trauma and drama-be gone.

Weird Girl Recipe Salmon Patties

I cooked two salmon patties in olive pam spray. Sprinkled a little Hawaiian sea salt and some dill on the patties. Took a tbls of light mayo and added some dill and garlic, and when I finished flipping the patties I spread that on top to heat.

In the meantime I nuked some leftover corn and pumpkin with a little garlic.

Both patties/sauce and the veggies were about 300 calories, lots of protein, fiber and veggie values. It took 10 minutes to make.

I did pretty good today eating according to band rules-and eating solids. Solids really fill you up-and you stay full. Duh. That's why they make the rules.

Truly at first there is a fear factor in eating solids, but once you get the hang of it it's great.

Crazy Sexy Cancer

Just watched it on TLC-I recorded it last week because I didn't feel like I could manage to watch anyone's illness or pain. It was actually very good-and upbeat. It talked about living through whatever life dealt you-we all have challenges that cause us to grow and become (hopefully) better people.

Today was a nice day. I went to lunch and shopped with Uncle John. We stopped in for a scoop of ice cream on the way back. Uncle John is easy to be with and always has been. He's like my brother-some people are just born agreeable.

I had a weird pain in my port incision off and on all afternoon. I swear it felt like a gas bubble (from the surgery) was bumping it. I'm sure it's still healing. My foot has been assaulted with various shooting pains lately-but I think that's the nerves healing.

I feel like today and yesterday was my pleasant respite from the previous week's angst and bad moods. Maybe it was the Lunar Eclipse-the whole Dark Side of the Moon.....and if the dam breaks open many years too soon, and if there is no room upon the hill,and if your head explodes with dark forbodings too-I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.....No finer words were ever written.

EEL!!!!! Thar she blows

Ok, I'm turning into Mom with all the food posts-but today's find was canned smoked eel at the Asian food store. Well, it was actually a lot more than that, but I got 6 cans of smoked eel and some Unagi sauce. Since I can't eat the rice with sushi, I'm good to go. Got a tube of wasabi and I already have sushi ginger because I eat it like it's going out of style.

Most of the Asian markets are over in the near north side - OKC is still fairly segregated. But, in a nice new shopping center was a nice BIG Asian market and I had a big old time loading up on things I thought you had to go to China or California or at LEAST Dallas to get.

I must have had a big smile on my face because several people commented on how happy I looked. No one there thought it odd that I stocked up on eel, jackfruit, dried mustard and sea salt.

And, as I was driving out of the center, I saw it. A Pho house. Oklahoma may be civilized after all.

The nice thing about Pho is that even if I find I can't eat the noodles, there will be plenty of other stuff in the brew that will fill me up. I can't wait to go try out the Pho house! In Sunnvyale (California) the Pho house was a little refuge for me from the duel job of my real job and sorting out Uncle John's affairs. English was rarely spoken and I could go there and sit and enjoy a bowl of soup and not be distracted by conversation or evesdropping. From the blue roof I surmised it began life as an IHOP, but I liked it much better as a Pho house.

At Big Lots I found several nice bottles for my voodoo potion (mustard foot soak) so I stocked up for gifting purposes. At the Natural Food store I found, wonder of wonders, Tofu shaped like spaghetti noodles. I know I can eat tofu and have steered clear of pasta since it's not really worth getting stuck for.

I've been halfway praying for a sign of some sort to know that I'm still on the right track with this move and embarking on home business, lap bands and my current reptile fascination. I've really felt lost in the past few days-but a town that stocks several brands of smoked eel is MY kind of town.

Better

I've made some cool t-shirt designs for my website-inspired by my bad mood of the past, oh WEEK....LOL. One I call Bandster Hell. I'll load them later, I don't want to bust my good mood by fiddling with technical stuff.

First I'm going off to stock the larder. Shopping has been weird because I'm not sure what I can eat, what I will want to eat, and if I want it, if I will be able to finish it before it goes bad. The lap band has wreaked havoc upon my fast food habit. I actually cooked with a skillet this afternoon.

Next time I go to Jakes I'm going to get a full dinner because I could eat abut 5 meals on one full size dinner and ribs freeze great.

Which way is up?

Dryer arrives-it does need a vent so I sent it back and walked down to my folks house where my brother is staying. All of the sudden no one was as eager to work on the dryer as they were when they were telling me that buying the first one was the wrong thing to do.

Could this be the dreaded "hormonal syndrome" or whatever they talk about with lap bands? I mean, clearly my family is crazy, but I don't usually have to retreat to bawl every few minutes.

I pulled the cubicle out of the garage, watered the roses and waved bye bye as they left for lunch. Because no crisis, plane departure or arrival, should ever, EVER conflict with appointed meal times. Now truly, I don't care when they look at the dryer, but really.

It is neat to see how my bro interacts with the family. He and Daddy were eating breakfast, Mom was having hers in the living room with me (I wasn't up to eating yet, but stopped in with a foot massager for mom). Mom to Bill-"there is more cereal on the cabinet. You are welcome to it. Don't eat too much though, we are going to lunch."

It was amazing that Bill just didn't melt down with that input. I mean, really, are you supposed to eat more cereal, not eat more cereal, eat SOME but not too much?

Again, I am hyper sensitive to food things right now, but good lord. I admire my brother. He's a bit tubby now, but it's because he overeats and he will, when he decides to, quit overeating and lose a bit of weight. He won't spend any time beating himself up about it either way. He's so damn normal.

How not to make a protein shake

I was virtuous and froze fresh fruit the night before. I let it soften, then dumped it in the blender. Added protein powder and probiotics, all the while reflecting on the fact that I am still out of sorts. I paused in my naval gazing to ponder just why the soy milk was brown. It was white yesterday, and while I AM having trouble with change now, brown is never a good sign.

Turns out I was using beef broth. My bad. I threw it all away and built a new concoction after rejecting the urge just to go back to bed. I was soured on the whole milk idea so I added Fage yogurt instead of soy milk. More probiotics. Some green algae crap and a tablespoon of real brown sugar....YUM.

I retired to my chair with my new, improved drink, still in a bad mood. Then it hit me-pouring beef broth in a fruit drink is really kind of funny isn't it? If I called someone to whine that I poured beef broth on my fresh frozen fruit-they'd laugh at me. I know I'd laugh at them if the roles were reversed.

Sometimes we get so caught up in the goal or the process we forget to see the ultimate humor in common, everyday disasters. Like most writers, a typo can send me into peals of laughter. I truly love typos-although I like other peoples better than my own. So, why not beef broth?

Remember to enjoy your own mistakes today.

Wow

Looong trip to the doctor's office with mom (she's doing better and does not have RA), conference with John's nurse (he fell the other day) and my mind was splitting. What a shock to go from lavished upon guest back to my real world.

Picked up the dogs, more bad news (read poidogz). Came home and the cat had puked on the floor. LAWD LAWD LAWD.

On the plus side, I went to the health food store and just had a bowl of cucumber yogurt soup-homemade and delicious. I've decided that now is not the time to give up all the good habits I developed in Dallas regarding food. Yes you can buy canned goods for 25 cents at Big Giant, but it's not organic, it could be out of date and at the very least it's full of salt. With my reduced capacity, I can afford organic.

Tomorrow I'll go see Uncle John.

Piercings and snacks

I got my nose pierced and it looks lovely! I've always liked my nose, one of the few things I do like about my body. I also got a piercing high up on my right ear-my left ones never heal, so I am going to give the right ear a go. Never say die.

I'm answering a lot of horse e-mails and I'm ready to go back home now and get moving again on my life. Of course, I still don't have a clue what I'm supposed to do with my life, or how I'm supposed to make money or find time to do all the things I want to do plus all the things I need to do plus all the things I should do.

Sue found the most wonderful yogurt dill soup at Whole Foods today-it reminded me of Mexico. Poor, poor Yucatan Penninsula is getting pounded-please say a prayer for our lovely reef and beaches.

Traveling with "the band" has proven not to be a big deal. As long as I can find a Starbucks I have liquid protein (latte, non fat) and solid protein (almonds). The other fast food pickens are slim-Taco Bell has the all important pintos and cheese, KFC the mashed potatoes. But really, anything involving breakfast will contain enough eggs that you can scrape off. 7-11 has cheese and nuts. It IS easier to pack some things (I have nuts for the plane ride back) and stick to water. Any beverage besides water has a ton of calories-even the fruit juices on the plane.

I personally don't like most mass marketed yogurts-I'm a fage girl all the way!

Wild Alligators!

I saw my first alligator in the wild yesterday-his head poking up while he floated around in the warm river water. Maya the jungle girl was sitting on my lap and we marveled at it together.

Kids definitely require a lot more stamina than I am used to. Since I've been here we've ridden a bike, swam, and today we are going to the beach! I still get worn out pretty easily, but the body is holding up and actually responding to the workouts. Sue is a bandster so there are plenty of band friendly things around-she's more experienced with mushies than I am.

I've posted this blog address on the OH website, but so little of it is about the band. It incorporated very well and quickly into my life and I'm taking for granted (a little) the fact that I'm just not hungry. And, like all the literature says, as long as I don't drink high calorie liquids,other foods really aren't a problem.

I do think I have a piece of stitch left in my side, but I'm just letting it work its way out-the seawater today will most likely do the job.

Vacations are cool. My brother said "I wish I were a professional vacationer " and I got a bit indignant because I really haven't had a vacation vacation in, well, MONTHS. But really, there was no criticism intended and I do require more vacations than most. Not la-de-da vacations-running around the pool with friend's kids is far more fun than a posh spa-really. I feel more welcome and at home here. In fact, I even suggested I come back and watch the girls while Jay and Sue go somewhere. It would be a good thing for us all-put me out of my comfort zone, give them a break and the kids will most likely survive.

Much Ado

Nothing more was said about the horse. I took Dottie over last night (I try to take a dog over every night) and was invited to lunch today. Mom is too distracted with my brother coming to visit and our plans to leave a day before HE leaves. He knows about our plans and has plans of his own, but the overlap is making her nuts.

I'm sure there was some discussion along the vein of "she'll do what she pleases" but nothing more was said...OH JOY JOY JOY. Before I actually BUY the horse I will tell her about my plans to go Shark Diving next fall-that should provide a tidy diversion.

I'm bored with not weighing, but I am not going to weigh until I get my band filled. The early days are too up/down all around and it's very tempting to want to keep up the same rate of loss as on the liquid diet-so I really just try not to think about it (weight loss) and focus on what I need to do right now.