Out of the Closet (secrets revealed)

The absolute truth is it is more like out of the clothing sack-the jeans haven't made it into the closet yet. But, out of the closet is a much better title.

Where to start? My name is Deb, and I'm an...no wait. How odd that a clothing size would link in my mind to a support group. Anyway, I procrastinate. Hey, it's what I do best.

I reached a milestone of sorts in Conroe Texas at the Liz Claiborne Outlet at around noon last Friday. I actually tried on clothes in a dressing room for the first time in at least over 2 years. I love catalogues, I love Cato because I knew what size I wore-it was easy. Go in, grab, leave. Throw out the old, and done.

But losing weight, coupled with a desire to celebrate and a real need for some jeans all converged and put me in a dressing room with 2 possible sizes and an eons old dilemma. One size fit, but I'm losing weight, right? One size I could squeeze shut, and I looked like a sausage NOW, but I'm losing weight, right?

Both were the same price, no help, no sign from above. Just a fat woman who wants to be smaller. I thought about buying them both-really, the price was right.

I sat down in the dressing room and really really thought about it. For the first time ever that I can recall I chose NOW. The size that looked nice NOW. I celebrated the 18 pounds I have lost, not the 98 pounds I plan to lose. I celebrated the current accomplishment.

Now I chose a Size 20. Technically I am down 2 sizes because I thought my jeans were a 24 and it turns out they were a 22. Yeah, it's been awhile since I bought jeans.

I have never before revealed a current size in a non weight loss related forum. This is big stuff for me. It's hard to do and I'd really like to puke.

But, my heart is telling me that in order to have a different future, I have to do things differently. And, that includes being nice to myself in the present, not in the possibly slim future. Who knew being nice to yourself was so tough?

Apparently a lot of people. In a group therapy session as a teenager I had to sit an say thank you to compliments-only thank you. The only way I got through that horror was to tell myself "they don't really mean it".

But I really do mean it-I love these jeans, these size 20 right now fitting me jeans. And, I am really, humbly grateful that I could share an epiphany that didn't start out with "I was sitting on the toilet....."

LAP BAND not Lap Dance

I almost forget to record that I almost died on the way to the airport in OKC. Cabbie asked me where I was going and I said "Tijuana-gonna get myself a lap band." He swerved off the road and the said "could you repeat that....."

Be careful driving in OKC in the wee hours with the windows down.....wind distortion of your words can startle taxi drivers.

Adventures in the Electric Chair

I still have to use the electric chair for big shopping trips-today I was able to go to Target AND Walmart grocery. At Walmart, I unloaded my cart and wheeled up to the credit cart machine and waited while the clerk did his thing.

A lady pushed up behind me and said "would you move so I can get through?" so I moved up to let her and her cartload pass. Then she said "I'm sorry, I need to get over there," indicating another line, "would you mind going out to the front of the store?"

I kept calm and said "actually, yes I would. You DO realize I am in line checking out at the moment and this is not an aisle?" and she got soooooooo flustered. She said "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were with her," and pointed to the stranger behind me who had her own cart of groceries. "I didn't realize you bought groceries."

I should have kept my mouth shut, but I couldn't. I said "well, how the hell do you think I'm suppposed to eat?"

Now, the electric chair alone is concession enough for me-I can load that sucker down and shop with the best of them. But being asked to move out of line while being checked out is just a bit much.

Friday Funny

How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages.....

English
I Love You

Spanish
Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
lch Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu

Thai
Phom rak khun


Italian
Ti amo

Chinese
Wo Ai Ni


Swedish
Jag Alskar

Alabama
Arkansas
Kansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Idaho
Missouri
Mississippi
Montana
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Wyoming
Kentucky
parts of Florida

Nice Ass , Get in the truck

Good Times

Remember in the show Good Times when James dies and Florida holds it together through two episodes then finally throws the punch bowl down in the floor and cries "damn, damn, damn." I'd really like to do that, but I don't feel like I'm there yet.

Not to be offensive, but it's just like an orgasm that doesn't quite happen.

Ooooh, is that what depression is-the overwhelming, low grade feeling of dread? Am I depressed in spite of all my perky projects?

Uncle John is a little more vague and a little more paranoid and I don't know if I can bring him "back". Parkinsons. Damn Damn Damn. Watching this isn't like a stab through the heart, it's a long, slow tear of the heart. But love means not looking away.

I do hope Kahlil Gibran is right-pain hollows us out so that we may hold more joy. The hollowing out part, I must say, isn't all that pleasant.

I'm not an Urban Chicken person, or a Freecycler any longer, or even a Compacter. I will do what I can to save the world but I just don't have the energy for gather up in clusters. The Freecycle thing and some of it's offshoots felt like begging....If I see one more ad that says "I am in need of....." I will go ballistic, so I unsubbed from those groups. I'm not an agility person any more, no more clean run, can't do the horse thing, mountainbiking gone. Who am I?

Who am I today? A woman who can't get out of the house to go take a walk (2 more days and off comes the cast) trying to keep her spirits up, waiting for the bills to flood in and the office politics to turn up a new wrinkle.

Isn't it funny how the blues can just swing down on us with no warning? I wonder if that happens to men, but not enough to bother to ask them. I got worries of my own.

The Retic (unknown to be dwarf or not) is shedding and she is one cranky girl. That's what I love about snakes-they get all new skin every so often-and like us, it isn't easy or pleasant (at least for some of them).

Cody, one of my dogs, knocked over the trash and spilled some coffee grounds and I skidded into them because my casted foot was down. So now when I go to the Dr. and the tech takes off my cast, about a tablespoon full of coffee grounds are going to fall out. If I end up with the snotty tech and he says anything I am going to say "Coffee is a natural way to exfoliate".

In he meantime I can look at pictures of the inside of my trailer, and my two jacks and my hitch (which are currently keeping the lid on the big python cage).