Friday

Part of a graphic I made for a brochure about puggerfest. It's early. I'm up at 5:30 am. Not my usual gig, but it is what it is. I'd rather get up and do something than lie around in bed trying to sleep because it's "too early". Gods almighty! We have value judgements for everything, don't we?

Still Don't Know

Last year, I asked the question Where the Heck am I supposed to be? And I still don't know.
But, as a follow up, I picked up the elderly dog, who passed away last month. My Dottie is gone too now, and all the snakes I had at that time.

All this 9/11 stuff-I've pretty much stayed off the news and TV today. I have unpopular opinions about some of it. Tragic, yes, definitely. And there were heroes, but someone just sitting in his or her office and being killed, isn't, in my unpopular opinion, a hero. It's being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The outrage that followed was all too convenient to push the war machine here. And yes, I was outraged too-sitting on the 52 floor staring at the sky all day and for many days to follow, I was pissed OFF. But honestly, I also rather welcomed the knowledge of how much closer danger really was. Americans, sitting in America, are pretty naive about the rest of the world, or at least we were. And you know me, I'd rather see the situation for what it is, and that goes for more than just my midlife crisis.

In other news, a fellow named Ike is headed for Houston. My thoughts and prayers are with all the people there, but yes, there are special ones for my family members. And of course, for the pets.

Animal Wednesday

I call this "Death Mask of the Palmetto Bug".

Technically it is a former palmetto bug, having had its life ended by me a couple of years ago. I was home, alone, with a cast on my foot from major surgery, and the ill fated bug came into my bedroom. Getting up was a hassle, so I decided to live and let live-until the damn thing decided to fly and landed on my bare leg. I jumped up into my wheelchair and gathered up shoes to throw at it. I was so adrenaline charged from the effort (and from feeling competent even though I was crippled), I took a picture of it. Then I fiddled with the picture to relax. It's my avatar on at least one forum and is probably one of the most commemorated former palmetto bugs there ever was.

I suppose it's also technically and insect and not an animal but it IS an uplifting story. I was feeling week and tired, and getting up off my dead ass to kill the bug was energizing to me. Probably not so much for the bug, but hey, fame has its price.

HAW!!!!!!

I Love My Voice When Oliver Uses it.....

I have always hated hearing my voice on recordings-I sound pretty much like a hick (or just your average Okie). I took a socio linquistics class once where research confirmed that a southern accent is perceived in a negative manner-even by other southerners.

The first time Oliver started using "my" voice, it was freaky and exciting and flattering as hell. Now he provides regular feedback on how I sound when I'm training him, or working with the dogs, or the snakes. I know snakes are deaf, but I'm not and I still speak to them. But according to Oliver, I have different tones and inflections when I do. My "snake voice" is less soothing than the voice I use for Oliver training, and less authoritative than the voice I use for dog training. Apparently when Oliver gets a correction I shift to my dog training voice.

Oliver rarely uses the harsh man's voice when correcting the dogs now-he tells them "quiet" in my voice-and I like that. He's also started differentiaiting dog sounds. He sometimes barks, he growls an awful lot these days, and when Moonie was going through crate training, he whined like a puppy instead of howling like a wolf.

His wolf sound is now less timberwolf and more werewolf of london-ah oooooo. It's still our contact call-our version of "are you there?" Every now and then the bird, myself and the entire dog pack will indulge in a group howl. It's not at all like the scary movies-it's really just the bird saying "I'm hear, where are you?" and the human and dogs replying. Then we usually howl once or twice all together-"we are here, we are family."

Animal communication is sooooooo straightforward compared to humans. Upon meeting and greeting they pass along the things you need to know for a successful interaction. Age, gender, health, state of mind. I'm 47, woman, good health, feeling confident. There is no expectation that you will remember any past interactions all the way through to the current one, factor in things that have happened since you last interacted, and determine what the best attitude to adopt is. "I'm 5, male, upset stomach, feeling lethargic"...."I'm 4, female,hyperactive, feeling dominant", "I'm 4 months, male, shedding, feeling defensive".

In fact, if you base your attitude and actions based soley on the past, you could end up getting bitten quite easily or you could reinforce a bad interaction that is no longer valid.

Yesterday's fiasco with my folks left me physically shaken. Shorteness of breath, shivers and mentally I had trouble getting out of bed today. Old age is taking away whatever it is that keeps them from striking out when they are consumed with negative energy. I walk in, actually feeling positive, and all that negative energy just pounded on me, without a whole lot of warning.

THAT is what I must learn to handle better, because it will continue to happen. I cannot change that...I cannot turn them into animals who will give me status updates when I walk in.

And yes, I do realize that brow beating about the past is more of a habit than any real animosity, but shit, pick someone else's nose for a change....LOL.

I really don't think I can do this

Had the bright idea of just going down to Mom and Dad's in the evening and not interrupting either of our days. They were apparently having a bad day (missed a doctor appointment day-showed up a day early and waited awhile before being told).

I thought to change the subject by telling them some plans I had made for Thanksgiving and how it to make it easier. Mom got offended because I said I'd find things for the kids to do, and they both piled into me for my housekeeping and my failure to display the snakes last Thanksgiving. I got hurt and mad before I could disengage myself....finally did a "I'm leaving now" and stomped out.

And the rub of it all, is the reason for the bad day (appointment trouble) is part of the reason why I just can't leave. I had a fantasy where I gave the keys of the house to my brother and said "it's all yours, adios".

I know there is a solution that doesn't involve me losing all sense of who I am and what I want out of life or abandoning them to old age and doddery. But I honestly don't know how much more I can take. It's not even that the criticism is that biting or over anything major. But it's constant, constant, never ending, endless droning on and on. Nothing you ever do, nothing you will ever think of, any idea you will ever have-none of it will ever be good enough because you are not like us.

And I don't want to be like them-if I did, I would, but I don't. But why can't they just let that go and focus on the good things I am. That's what I do with them-it works pretty good up to a point. Hmmm, a why can't YOU statement...I hate those. Let's rephrase it-Why can't I just learn to let it go and focus on the good things they are?

I guess the real problem is I have no clue when it's coming or what is going to hurt. I was in a pretty upbeat hopeful mood when I went down today, so I thought I was well prepared for any onslaught. I was trying to get out when the veneer started to crack and my voice was strained but I just didn't make it to the door fast enough.

Now, on the good side of things, I recover much more quickly than I used to. A swipe that hurt that bad would have put me out for a few days last year. Now I'm calming down and almost ready to move on. But I also have consider what that movement needs to be.

Cue Cate Blanchett from Lord of the Rings "Do we leave them to their fate, do we let them stand alone?"

Fuck no. But I do have to figure out how to do it without losing so much of myself in the bargain or I really AM going to end up being the crazy lady who stays behind closed doors with her animals all the time.

I'm usually really good at self preservation too, but the people closest to us live in the place where there are no defenses. I think I need to build an emotional holding pen for my parents where I can look after them but they can't hurt me.

Happy Cactus Monday

This one ended up being a hieroglyph. Of course, we digital cave painters have more color choices. I am actually kind of surprised at my color choices-but there they are. HCM!

Saving the Pugs

In five minutes I'll go shower and go off to my Puggerfest Committee meeting. I decided I could best serve by helping out non profits with advertising, etc. rather than doing rescue directly, and I set that boundary up from the get go-I cannot foster, because I cannot release. I even played the "who could I rehome if it meant to take in another, needier dog...." and the answer was "no one".

I'm a bit behind on my volunteer tasks because of last week, and we'll all just have to live with it or they can find someone else to do it.

I was pretty set on going to work after the first of the year, but finding a job that's going to allow for lost weeks at a time is going to be tough. Oh well, can't think about it now, have to go save the Pugs.....from afar.