Task Mode

Today's tasks-take Uncle John to Dr. get him fed and shopped and back in time to meet the lumberjack who is going to chop down my big tree. Somehow I have to go pick up the cat before 6, but I can run do that while the tree is being chopped.

I keep talking about setting boundaries and schedules, but as I mentioned earlier this week, I'm not sure what it is I want. If you don't know what it is you want to achieve, how do you know if you are making progress?

I'm in the ever predictable cycle of angst, messy house and I'll just spiral down, clean the house and then it will be better. Part of the dance involves over scheduling so there is no time to clean the house.

Ahhhhh, the maid is coming on Friday to restore some order and sanity to my world. Time to doctor the dogs, saddle up and head out.

Ok, I m pretending not to know that the constant (so it seems) criticism, or rather the increased criticism is bringing me down. Hell I went shopping at night and snuck some clothes in so that no one could ask me where I got them or how much I paid. There is no good answer to that-today's shirt was on sale for 6.99 but Mom could have gotten it at the goodwill for 50 cents.

I've got to find a balance between shutting down completely and being open and just tryign to shrug it off. Maybe if I actually learned to shrug it off it would work, but how the hell does one learn to shrug things off?

How the hell did I get on this roller coaster?

The flu coma lasted a couple of days and I new that despite feeling like hell it was the respite I needed. Now I am sitting in a shambles of a house (aquariums on the way out, wine on the way in), TV on the way out, Scotty in limbo, new house in limbo, job on the way out not a clue on the way inn, piles of paperwork left to go through for John, taxes to file and I'm thinking to myself how long can this go on?

The great wall of chihuahua has been put up to guarantee my own peace of mind (read poidogz blog for all that good dish). The two big uns are STILL at the kennel-I am here to tell you that flu knocked me OUT and I could barely cope with the two that made it home.

Ah, yes grasshopper (says the voice in my head) this is the part of change you really don't like much. The bank vault opens, huge wads of cash fly out the door and it seems the tide will never turn. Unlike a friendly Hurricane, where you can say "shit happens", this is self directed change where you are required to say quite often "what the hell have I done?" Usually the point where you begin saying this is right after the point of no return.

Oh crap, the dogs have breached the wall.